xenawannabe

2007-07-20T18:03:00.000-04:00

I heart the pool

I've been in almost every day, so I have pretty silver and green stars all over my calendar, yeah xena!

It really helps in the mornings, as I often wake up pretty stiff from wearing the straightening brace all night. My PT has noticed improvements in my range-of-motion, and although I've had a few days where I'm not quite as flexible, it is definitely getting better!

I have graduated to one crutch, and even use it on the pool deck, albeit very slowly so I don't slip. I also hobble around a bit at home w/o any crutches, so exciting!!!!!!

It was 5 months on Wednesday since the accident. My life has changed in many ways since then, work included. I'm trying to go with the flow as much as possible, but I'm not a fan of change, so it's been tough emotionally too.

We are one less in my dept now, and I've taken on a good portion of that workload in addition to my own, so I barely have time to eat, which is at least good for the waistline, and some of my summer pants have been almost falling off!!! I haven't gotten on the scale in quite awhile, so I have no idea where I'm at, but as long as the clothes continue to fit (and even slip down), I'll be happy.

Still vegetarian, although I miss fish more and more. I never had a chance to give vegan-ism a long enough trial, but I'm still not able to stand for very long, so cooking is still a ways off.

I've been doing the exercise bike at PT for 5 minutes to warm up, so I asked about adding it to my workout routine, and my PT said it would be fine. I still need to build my quad muscles (and calf muscles) up, although walking/putting more weight on my leg is definitely helping.

I found out my massage class, the last class I have to take before I can graduate and then get licensed, doesn't start until November, but that is probably for the best since I need to work up to standing for an hour at a time (even longer for classes). I'm much more calm about the delay in my career plans...

2007-07-05T15:23:00.000-04:00

In the pool

2.5 weeks after manipulation, and I'm doing pretty well. I started going to the Y pool (they have 2, and the smaller one is perfect for rehab, as the water only goes chest-deep at the deepest part) last week, and then caught the family cold. But I plan to go back by this weekend, assuming I feel better.

It makes me feel good to be moving again, at least, even in this limited fashion. I also finally got on a bike at PT, and can do a full rotation w/o knee pain, so I am very excited about that. I can also get in and out of a chair w/o holding onto anything. Otherwise, though, I'm still on crutches. It's getting a little old.

I bought one of those cool Laptop Lunchboxes, and will use it to motivate/inspire me to get my daily portion of veggies & fruits & nuts/seeds. I didn't sign up for the CSA this year, but plan to for next summer, when I will be able to drive every week. We do have a local farmstand, so I would like to get there weekly and stock up on veggies. It's still challenging to cook while I am on crutches, so have been mostly doing frozen vegetarian meals (burritos, indian, etc.). It's been 5 months of vegetarian-ism, woohoo! I only miss meat once in awhile - if anything, I miss fish the most of all, and may consider becoming a pescatarian instead. I do want to give vegan-ism a chance, and can't do that w/o doing my own cooking.

2007-06-08T12:50:00.000-04:00

Surgery it is

After waiting over an hour for my dr. this morning (apparently he had an emergency at the hospital) and being in absolute tears from the frustration of this all (gee, do I stuff my emotions???), the decision is to put me under, forcibly manipulate my leg into straight-dom, and if that doesn't tear up the evil scar tissue, then they'll do a clean-out via arthroscopy right after. I am relieved and also nervous about more surgery, but I can't stand (har har) being stuck.

Right after, they would put me on a CPM (continuous passive motion?) machine, which, from my understanding, passively rotates my leg continuously (ah, I get it!) to keep new scar tissue from forming.

And hopefully soon after that I can get back to PT and get this mofo working again.

2007-06-07T10:04:00.000-04:00

Still here

I'm at a stuck place in my recovery. I go in to PT, I'm at 35 degrees (angle of my leg - I can't get it straighter), and I'm around 25 when I leave. It's been this way for weeks. I'm wearing a freakin' torture device (basically a brace/splint that forces my leg straight while I sleep) for 8 hours a night, and not seeing any progress.

Can you say "frustrated"? I knew you could.

Tomorrow is my dr's appt, and I've vowed that I will not leave his office until I have an answer to the pinching that I feel when I try to straighten my leg, and these 2 spots are actually sore to the slight-pressure touch. That can't be normal, can it, after 3.5 months??? It sounds like scar tissue, and my joint is responding like it is, too. Solution? Probably arthroscopic surgery to clean out the joint. After my 8-inch scar, a few little holes ain't gonna faze me much, and if it leads to being able to straighten my leg w/o pain, let's do it NOW!

I'm trying to be patient. I haven't done any meditation as I had hoped to be doing (planned during my recovery time, when time was all I had), and my only exercise is crutching around, driving, and hauling myself up & down the stairs on my arse.

So, if you can walk, jog, run - please do it for me, ok?

2007-05-27T19:24:00.000-04:00

I can drive!

Another milestone today - my bf took me down to the big office complex empty parking lot, and I drove the car. It was weird to be in the driver's seat again, and definitely freeing. I had no problems in the parking lot, so we took a drive to the local farmstand and got some fresh spinach (sauteed some last week with slivered almonds and olive oil, and a splash of lemon juice, yum!). My knee felt like there were muscles trying to move around it, but it didn't hurt. I had to lift my leg/foot to get to the brake....we tried a couple of "slam on the brake" stops in the parking lot and it didn't hurt my knee, so that was a good sign.

It's looking more & more as though I might have scar tissue in the joint, as it still pinches/burns when I try to straighten my leg, and it bounces right back up when the PT tries to force it down/straight. Unfortunately my doc is on vacation for a week, so I can't talk to him about arthroscopic surgery to clean the scar tissue out.

I still can't walk yet, using the crutches everywhere. Well, except for last week at work when I was hopping around my desk to get to my files and tripped on my sandal. I came down full force on my bad leg, heard a POP! and then landed on the floor. I felt really stupid, and thankfully didn't seem to do any serious damage. We're still not sure what the popping was, perhaps scar tissue tearing. I don't seem to have any long-term problems from it, other than my hurt pride. Boy, did I feel stupid! My boss and two coworkers came running in as I rolled on the floor, clutching my knee. Duh.

Summer is coming on strong now, and I can't make plans to go camping or other active stuff until I know when I'll be walking again. I know it could be a lot worse - I have a small taste of what it is like to be disabled, and can't imagine being so permanently. I keep telling myself that I am moving forward, even if it seems unbearably slow, and I have many blessings in my life. This too shall pass.

2007-05-14T09:37:00.000-04:00

Back to the Salt Mines

Yes, back to work today. 4 hours/day for this week, and I got a call from the insurance co. telling me my STD coverage is up this saturday, so no choice on going back full-time starting next week.

It feels like forever since I've been there. In some ways, it has been - it's been 3 months this week!!! There have been many changes, and I am not one for change. I am pretending that I am starting a new job - indeed, I have a new supervisor now - and will try to be open and accepting as much as possible.

I've learned many things these past 3 months, so I am interested to see if they "stick" once I get involved in the muck & mire of politics and work...

I need to figure out my eating situation at work since I will be there through my normal lunchtime but can't take more than a 15-minute break. Today I have natural pb/natch jelly on wheat, 2 apples, and some cashews. I am frightened to find what I have left in my snack drawer at work!!!

I've really been struggling with how slow this recovery is going. Still can't straighten the leg, still can't put more than 50 lbs. on my right foot, still can't drive. Why did I ever pray for patience?!

*sigh* wish me luck, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my work clothes still fit :-) Last time I got on the scale (last week maybe?), I was holding strong at 190. Not bad for sedentary lifestyle...

2007-05-10T09:25:00.000-04:00

Feeeeeelings

Great post over at Body of Work. I have tears rolling down my face right now, knowing the many times I haven't been willing to feel my feelings, let them roll and rise and crest and subside. I don't wanna ride the wave, I'd rather numb it with food. It's so much easier that way. If I start crying, maybe it will never stop.

Which is ridiculous, because it always stops, and I almost always feel better afterwards, even though my eyes are swollen and red, and I'm all congested and feeling raw and vulnerable. More scary feelings associated with being vulnerable. It feels like I could spiral down into oblivion if I chase those feelings, but again, it never lasts all that long, and it's so cleansing.

So I'm crying now, and I'm not even sure *why* I am crying, and I am analytical so I need to know *why* the hell am I crying? It doesn't matter, honestly, does it? Just let it out, clear the space, make room for something better. I could guess at the reason(s) for my pain; this 3-month-plus recovery process, feeling as though I'm missing out on spring because I can't go out and walk in it, the pain of seeing my mother getting heavier and struggling with meds and not doing anything about it, the bf back to his heaviest (?) weight, like when we first met - knowing I can't change him or her, I can only work with/on myself. The angst of my daughter, almost 13, turning into a sullen, moody, one-word-answer teen - what the hell do I do now? I don't want to lose her, and it is so hard to be patient and contain my frustration, to find the loving way to be with her when it's not openly reciprocated. Having to go back to work next week after losing my supervisor of 8+ years and working with the new one, who doesn't understand why we have the processes in place that we do, feeling as though I'm returning to a big mess, so many changes, and I hate change. Not being able to work out, to do yoga, to have an outlet for this excess anxious energy. Wanting to return to massage, to finish my courses by August, get certified, and move on with my new career, half-afraid that I've forgotten so much in this 3-month absence.

Ah well, it could be any, all, some, or none of those things. Whatever the case, the feelings are still there and need to be felt so they and I can move on. *ahhhhhhh*, that's better. Thanks for listening.

2007-05-08T10:26:00.000-04:00

Recovery sucks, just like losing weight

Well, it's been almost 3 months since my accident & surgery, and I'm still not effing walking. !#$%&*!!! It's extremely hard not to get discouraged. I really thought I'd be back to "normal" now, and trying to just get my muscle tone back. But I CAN'T EVEN WALK. *big-mother-effing-sigh*

So I've noticed the pattern that resembles exercise/eating right/losing weight. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Some days I can straighten my leg (I'm still 15 degrees away from 0, not good) and breathe through my leg exercises and I'm ok. Other days it kills to get anywhere near straight, and at PT I'm sobbing on the table. But I know if I don't do my exercises every day, that I will significantly delay the healing process, and PT will suck that much more.

Today happens to be a good day, and in some ways I can feel things finally loosening up. My PT suspects I have some scar tissue buildup that is pinching & pulling when I try to straighten out and/or bend and/or do anything with my leg at all. So I've been cranking on it each morning, using my thumbs to rub, rub, rub it away, and I think it might actually be helping. But I'm afraid to think that, because what if I wake up tomorrow and it hurts just as much as before?

I believe I will be returning to work next week PT (PT is such a versatile acronym!), and goddess help me if I have a meeting in the other end of the building, which, when I *could* walk, could easily take almost 10 minutes to get to. Well, the mountain will just have to come to me, won't it now? Interestingly enough, but somehow not surprising, I've been wanting to cram my craw with food food food. Can you tell I don't want to go back to work? I can!

Please send your healing thoughts my way - I could really use them. That, and some hope.

2007-04-27T12:44:00.000-04:00

Update Week #10

I'm out of work for 2 more weeks. Dr. is a little concerned about my inability to completely straighten my leg, which is a result of 2 things - a tight hamstring tendon, which the PT is using ultrasound and soft tissue massage to loosen, and scar tissue built up towards the inside of my knee. Both of these tight tissue areas really pull and hurt, and don't allow me to fully straighten the leg.

I probably won't be able to drive for almost a month (I think he was trying to be optimistic by giving me a 2-4 week timeframe), and so will need rides to work once I can return. I am relieved that he gave me two more weeks until I return to work (and it will probably be part-time at first), and even though I've been having more frustrated/sobbing episodes, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Of course, it didn't help that I pulled out my lower back at PT on Monday, so have been mostly horizontal, but not in the good way, and taking happy pills before bed at night to get some relief and rest.

I've been dabbling in the sketchbook I had my mom pick up, with some charcoal & fine pencils. I haven't broken open the acrylic paints, but will do that this week, and I also bought an inexpensive travel japanese calligraphy kit. I can't figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with the ink stone, though?! I took out 3 library books on japanese calligraphy so I am hoping one of them will clue me in, since my set didn't come with instructions. I used to love drawing and making my own greeting cards when I was younger, so will try not to get frustrated at my lack of actual skill and enjoy doodling and mixing colors instead.

I really should get my hand weights out too, and start building my upper body strength, which can only help my ability to get around on crutches...

Eating-wise, I'm still vegetarian, but also a serious ice-cream-atarian and chocolate, too. I'm afraid to put on my work clothes at this point, ugh!

2007-04-13T13:28:00.000-04:00

Definition of irony

Typing my computer password with one hand, something along the lines of eating clean, while the other hand holds a duncan donetz chocolate frosted donut.

2007-04-12T10:02:00.000-04:00

Easter Ham

So, our family tradition is that my mom makes ham for Easter (and often for christmas, too). Spiral-sliced, delicious ham. It's bizarre, because normally I don't eat ham (even when I was eating meat) at all during the year, but I can't get enough of the Easter ham. We have it for lunch, and then on fresh rye bread w/spicy mustard for dinner that night, or we take it home for sandwiches some other night.

It was a big dilemma for me this year, as I am trying to eat vegetarian (vegan is on hold until I can cook for myself again). A few days before, the bf asked what I was going to do, since he knows how much I love me some easter ham. I honestly didn't know, and I've been holding this veggie eating as an experiment of sorts, so that I'm not locked into "I *have* to", or "I can't". Therefore, the choice was truly mine, and I also don't have well-intending friends/family harassing me - "Oh, I thought you were vegetarian" or whatever. Not surprisingly, I didn't feel a lot of pressure when the time came to decide, and therefore it was very easy to choose not to have any.

I eyed it coming out of the oven, and yeah, it looked yummy, but I honestly didn't even feel a pang of envy. I am definitely, pleasantly, surprised, and happy that I wasn't "depriving" myself. Maybe it helped that we ate spread out in the living room, to accomodate my broken leg (I was comfy in my mom's recliner), so I didn't have to see everyone else eating it, or it hanging out on the table, luring me into trying a slice. I happily ate my broccoli quiche, salad, and buttered roll, and what is even more impressive, didn't completely pig out on Easter chocolate!!!!

I was also thankful, later that day, to be at the bf's mom's house, and not have her question my not eating the chicken that she served for dinner. I was a bit surprised, because she is one of those folks that would question something like this to death. I didn't have any protein, but it certainly didn't kill me. Perhaps the "protein" in my easter chocolate got me through, har har har!

*****

PT this morning - not in tears today, but my body temp dropped afterward, almost as if I was in mini-shock. I don't think my body likes the trauma of having the knee forcibly stretched, or the tendons pulled into taffy. I know it's important and necessary, and my PT acknowledged that I would be sore (like I was the other night), that this was to be expected. That's what the painkillers are for. Tell that to my liver.

I've been working the scar with vit. E oil, and it's looking quite healthy. It oogs me out to be stretching and mushing it around, but I know it's crucial to break up the adhesions. Scar tissue forms in a mishmash pattern, which can cause it to stick to the underlying tissue, and that can cause pain when I try to stretch my knee. The massaging helps to break up the stickiness, and helps to reform the scar tissue into more uniform rows, which is what muscle tissue is supposed to look like.

I've been waking up at night, usually at least once/night, with my outside hamstring tendon going into spasm and forcing my knee to bend. The pain is pretty bad, especially coming out of a sound sleep, and I usually gasp, moan, and try to straighten it out so it can relax. It's not fun. Last night it happened at least twice, and maybe a third time, although I can't remember for sure. I'm worried that my normal sleep patterns will be forever altered by this recovery process. At least I don't have to get the bf up every 4 hours to go to the little girl's room and/or take my painkillers. That was a complete bummer, for both of us. Of course, he wasn't in constant pain, but he is very grumpy when he doesn't get enough sleep. Men, sheesh!

The best news I had during PT is that he said I have more range of motion, even since my session on Monday, so that is terrific. The worst news I had was that I probably wouldn't be able to get back to active yoga until maybe almost July. Hopefully I can get back to gentle stuff before then, and modify like crazy.

Onward and upward...

2007-04-10T08:33:00.000-04:00

He hurt me

Ugh - 2nd PT appt yesterday, and I was in tears by the end of it. I do my yoga breathing throughout it, and thought I was doing fine, but then he started pushing down on my knee/joint and that's when the tears came.

I tried explaining that tears are how I release energy. Witness me when mad - usually I end up in angry tears, which just pisses me off more, because then I don't feel I am taken as seriously, and I'm not sad, I'm ANGRY, damnit!

Anyhoo, he lightened up after that, but my knee was *throbbing* last night. I had to take some p3corc3t before bed, it was throbbing so much. I feel better today, and am hoping this doesn't set a precedent. I know he has to loosen up the joint, since it's so freakin' tight, but I'm not sure if it's supposed to be throbbing for so long afterwards.

I am trying not to freak out about the return of my buddha belly. My eating has been a blend of veggies and meatless options combined with easter chocolate and mexican fiesta drinking (saturday). Oh, combined with not-a-hell-of-a-lot-of cardio exercise, except hauling my arse up and down my stairs to get out of the house. I scooch up/down on my behind, and my triceps get a great workout, at least.

Today I must do my taxes, *groan*...

Current exercises still include glute squeezes and ankle pumps, and my quad squeezes were modified to assist my knee in straightening. I can't fully straighten my leg yet, and it's frustrating, since he can't start me on strengthening until I get better range of motion. But I am seeing slow progress, and can put about 30 pounds on my right foot (supposed to be working towards 50% of my weight). It hurts my ankle to put weight on it, but I am definitely progressing.

Patience, grasshopper.

2007-03-30T12:02:00.000-04:00

Fitty (per)cent

Went to the dr's this morning, and I can now put 50% of my weight on my right leg, which is terrific. I can also take off the brace now & then, and even better, sleep without it! The scar is healing nicely, and I can now start massaging it, which will hopefully help it heal, re-align the tissue underneath so the scar doesn't look as bad. It's really not *that* bad, especially comparing it to post-surgery, when I had 20+ staples and the skin was bunched up like a monorail track, yuck!

The skin on my leg has been in pretty bad shape, peeling and very dry. Probably due to the lack of regular circulation, lack of breathing due to the brace, and rubbing from the brace. It's still pretty numb to the right and under my knee, which is the opposite of what I would expect, given that my incision is on the left. I know nerves run weird ways, though, so...the dr. said I may always have a numb spot.

He hopes to have me up to full weight-bearing in a couple of weeks, although it will still be awhile before I can drive.

It was SOSOSOSOSOSO nice to leave the house today! I hadn't been out in a month. The daffodils and other spring plants are halfway up, and some have their pretty little yellow buds waiting to explode. It's only been in the 40's/50's, although I think it's supposed to hit 60 today.

I guess it will be longer than I thought before I can return to exercising fully, since the fracture takes about 3 months to heal fully, which puts me until at least mid-May. In the grand scheme of life, a few extra weeks is no big deal. Especially considering how many months I've gone without exercising in the past! Still, when you are not allowed to do something, don't you just want to do it all the more?

I'm feeling much more hopeful and optimistic. I've learned a lot about myself during this period, and I'm sure have more to learn in the next month or so, and beyond. I've recaptured some of my inner joy and love, my pure untarnished zest for life. It's been awhile, folks. On my worst days, I was worried it was gone forever. I know my work situation has been part of the reason for burying it away, and I look forward to moving into my new career as a massage therapist, and doing what I was put here to do. Patience, sweet xena, patience.

2007-03-24T15:54:00.000-04:00

Update

First, I want to thank the lovely BethK over at Scale & Perspective for bringing me some yummy vegan curry and gorgeous purple tulips - thanks!!! It's really cool what the internet can bring us.

Second, I'm less than a week away from my dr's appt, where I am hoping he will tell me I can start putting weight on my right leg/foot. I've already missed 3 of my kids' activities because I am housebound, and it sucks!

Third, I am remaining fairly calm and un-stir-crazy, but I have a feeling the warm spring weather will dash that to pieces. It's wonderful to have my window cracked open, even if it's still a little chilly. I am still trying to be open to the possibilities that this event has given me, and what I maybe haven't been paying attention to? I know shifting over to massage therapy is huge for me. I also know my kids are getting to the age when communication becomes even more vital, and I don't want to lose them in teenage-land.

My scar is healing beautifully, and I should take a picture and post it. It's something alright! My ex-husband suggested tattoing a flower at the top of it, or perhaps a centipede design around it. He can be a real dink most of the time, but I thought those suggestions were funny.

I miss working out. I do need to pull out my hand weights and work on my upper body, and I hope to be starting outpatient PT in early April to get my atrophied right leg muscles back up to par.

2007-03-14T20:22:00.000-04:00

What the #$%^ happened????

Well, I broke my friggin' tibia, that's what. On 2/17 I went snow tubing and went feet-first, way too fast, into the inflatable barriers.

MF. And a whole bunch of other curses.

I spent 6 days in the hospital and they cut me open (about 6-7 inches long, I kid you not) to put a plate on my bone. I guess I done effed it up good.

So here it is, a month later, and I still can't put any weight on it (dr's orders). Probably won't be able to until the end of the month. It's my right leg so I won't be driving probably until late April, if I'm lucky.

*sigh*

My exercise consists of lifting my leg brace to and from the pillows on the couch and my bed, and hopping around on my walker.

Why did this happen? It totally effed up my massage school completion, which is now pushed off until August. Grrrrr

I haven't been doing vegan since I can't cook for myself, but my bf is at least keeping me vegetarian. I know I've gained weight since I'm just lying around, eating pre-easter chocolate.

yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Anyway, catch you when I'm back up and running, unless I find something else besides the interesting paint job on my ceiling to write about.

2007-02-15T09:46:00.000-05:00

I like to move it, move it

Did some shoveling yesterday (thank goddess for our neighbor and his snowblower!) and we did go sledding. What a blast, and what a good workout. I climbed the hill at least half-a-dozen times.

Had made vegan shepherd's pie for dinner - it was a tad dry. Need to get a good vegan recipe for gravy ;-)

I premade dinner for tonight. Whole wheat fusilli (corkscrews) with pumpkin sage sauce, using rice milk instead of cream. I hope the kids eat it!

No yoga tonight - haircuts instead. Hope to get elliptin' tomorrow night. Have lunch offsite today, so hoping they have a veggie option...

2007-02-14T11:09:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts from my kwazy head

1. Snow days rock! Can't wait to sled with the kids and come in for hot cocoa. Made with rice milk and dairy-free chocolate, of course.

2. Veganism. It's becoming easier, but I'm very aware of how much dairy/egg "sneaks" in, especially when eating out. Hence, I need to eat out less! Save $$! My family is slowly accepting this "experiment". My bf's mother wasn't too upset the other night when we went for fish casserole for bf's bday, but I'm sure she wasn't pleased since she made so much of the casserole. I decided to call it an experiment, that way if I go back to vegetarian or meat, it won't be so difficult to explain myself. Right now, it's actually easier to explain that it's an experiment instead of set in stone - people don't seem to be disapproving of it. Maybe they wouldn't anyway. I do get the protein question. Lots of beans and nuts/seeds, my friends.

3. Tofu. *sigh* I don't think I can avoid it. I can only eat so many beans/nuts/seeds, har har har. I bought soy creamer instead of half/half. I hate the difference! Maybe this will help me get off coffee more quickly. Maybe not.

4. Bf & VD (no, he didn't give me one - I'm referring to Valentine's Day) - he's very sweet. I was woken up at 5:45 by the automatic phone call broadcast that school was cancelled, and got up to use the facilities, and the bf also woke up (from the call), so he rushed into the bathroom with me and presented the package for my valentine's day gift - a tinkerbell comforter! It was still in the dryer - he didn't want me to see it, just wanted to wash/dry it and then put it on me while I was sleeping. So thoughtful! And no chocolate, 'cause I'm vegan and don't like dark chocolate. Very sweet. Oh, and skeleton hand gloves. I'm a goth poser at 36, what can I say?

5. Went to yoga. Have been thinking off and on that I was much more flexible at Kriplau last year, and am now wondering if it had to do with the lovely fact that I was in the hot tub whirlpool EVERY DAY. What glorious bliss! I swear it had something to do with keeping me limber (not to mention all the yoga, bodywork, and danskinetics (fun dancing))....I miss it. We did another headstand prep/wall-assisted last night, very fun!

6. Vegan, part II. I love how calm I feel about my choice to try this eating style out. There's no rush, no desperation to lose weight by it, plenty of forgiveness around not being perfect. I love the way I am being with myself - forgiving, loving, curious, willing to try new things, willing to set aside previous beliefs and assumptions about myself. I'm almost ready to try brussels sprouts!!! Long story short, my mom made them when we were kids, probably didn't flavor them in any way since we didn't have them at all before, and then made me sit at the table until I ate them all, at which point they were probably cold. Ick. Very mommy dearest, eh? *snort*

7. Weight-wise, I am still around 194-195, but not panicking yet. Feeling much more toned, just need to do cardio more often. This is my life, not a 12-week plan.

2007-02-13T15:46:00.000-05:00

Still here!

Food: ok, could be worse, could be better

Vitamins/iron: pretty good, actually, except for the evening Floradil

Water: pretty good, and doing the Feb. challenge helps

Exercise: off/on - got to yoga Saturday (OMGoddess, I forgot how intense that day's instructor is!!!!) and Sunday but not yesterday. Plan to go tonight before we get buried in snow. If we get buried, most likely getting exercise shoveling and probably sledding with the kiddies.

Food tracking: um, gee, not really happening. Yet.

2007-02-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

Toe-ing the line

Yeah, I'm pushing it today, and pushed it last night, with eating. French fries, pizza, a chocolate chip cookie, chocolate bar today and too much coffee. WTF is up, hmmmm?

No exercise since Tuesday, and I have TOM so don't feel like exercising tonight. Need to meet the kids' dad halfway and back (almost 90 minutes roundtrip), so I will have to decide what's important to me.

I need to get some practice in for school, or I'm wasting my time and money. I have 2 scheduled for tomorrow, but couldn't get my roaster pan since waldoworld didn't HAVE them, WTF???? I may have to improvise w/my crock pot in the meantime. That's professional, eh? Maybe I can make some Hot Stone soup, hardee-frickin-har.

At least my water intake has been fairly consistent, mostly because of the Feb. challenge. Whatever it takes!

2007-02-07T09:45:00.000-05:00

Slacker

That's me. I haven't done *squat* for school homework/practice hours yet. Methinks I am perhaps afraid of having this be the final push and then I can be certified. Which means I need to then find a part-time job. Which is scary and exhilarating and more demands on my time, not to mention my ticket for getting out of my current career. It's hard to be a perfectionistic overachiever and then not do any of the work for my class, and somehow not look bad in front of my classmates/teacher...

I did go to yoga last night, yeah! My tight hamstrings annoy the hell out of me. At least my hips are kinda loose.

And I made a healthy dinner for the fam/me. Red beans with kale, butternut squash cubes, and sason (sp?), which is a spanish word for the sauce my ex-mother-in-law adds to almost everything. Surprisingly, and happily, it's "all natural". You take onions, fresh cilantro, garlic, green peppers, and a little water, and blend it up in a blender. Store in a glass jar (and it will expand if kept for too long - I don't know if everything ferments naturally and builds up pressure) in the fridge, and I usually use a generous glop of it when I'm cooking beans, etc.

I'm glad to be backing away from the precipice of backsliding into trouble with my eating/self-care. It's not a fun place to be, and I'm proud of recognizing and hopefully turning away.

Feb. challenge - 4 glasses/water/day....down to the wire, before bed last night, but I did it!

I need to get started on today's water. I usually drink a bunch during school, which I have tonight. I also need to get to the grocery store and stock up on fruits & veggies!

2007-02-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

Blip

I can feel myself slipping into "who cares" mode, so I need to snap out of it before I backslide full tilt into no-self-care-let's-binge-instead mode.

Have some ideas about why, but can't go into them here.

Vegged out on couch last night, haven't been to yoga since last week. Need to go tonight!

Food not actually terrible, just too many cookies and bowls of cereal.

Ok, moving forward.

2007-02-05T10:48:00.000-05:00

ZZZ

Well, I slept yesterday away. I definitely overdid it on Saturday night - 3 drinks and numerous clove ciggies. I wonder if my body is more sensitive to those now that I am eating better and not drinking/smoking much (not that I ever did, but even once/twice a month vs. more than a month in-between)? Either that, or I'm coming down with something, although I don't feel "bad" in any other sense.

I keep "re"learning that I can't have trigger foods present in the house, or I eat them until they're gone. Case in point, a whole bag of n3wman ging3r cookies gone from Friday to this morning :-(

Other than the occasional egg/dairy ingredient, I've been doing pretty well being meat-free. I made that yummy casserole previously mentioned, and it was delish! The bf was upset when I had to divvy it out for my lunches this week -he was hoping for more. That's a good sign, and clearly I should make it again. I should also try making it with son-friendly beans (no lentils or pigeon peas) and force-feed it to the kids in small doses. Actually, they're pretty good about eating their veggies, but they only willingly eat a limited selection (broccoli, baby carrots - cooked, different colored peppers, cukes, cooked sweet potato) - not that I'm complaining.

It's that time again for me - I need to start tracking my food. I'm tracking my water this month (4 glasses/day, which I have done since 2/1 except for yesterday, when I probably needed it the most!) over at Pair Up/Pare Down for their February Challenge. I originally used FitDay for my food tracking, then tried out SparkPeople. Until I get the core foods in there, it's a PITA to record food (I guess that's true of any online db). For a time, I was just tracking in a little notebook that I had, but it wasn't tracking calories/protein etc.

Informally for today: no vitamin/iron (oopsies!); breakfast was shr3dded something-or-others with almond milk, coffee with agave nectar & 1/2 & 1/2. 2 oranges for snack. 2 glasses of water already! Oh, and the last cookie. Lunch is planned as a small avocado w/some nori granules & pepper, and my lentil/pumpkin/veggie casserole. Cl1f bar for afternoon snack. Dinner is mixed greens with something, I haven't figured that out yet.

2007-02-02T11:42:00.000-05:00

Ahh, that's better!

My house is returning to normalcy. We threw out the 5+ bags of trash generated by my son's room cleanup, in addition to a huge box filled with cardboard of various shapes and sizes, again from my son's room. Plus we have 6 trashbags ready for donating. *whew*! We're still not completely done, but I'd say we're 95% there. I hope he's doing ok with it - it was a tough weekend.

I didn't exercise last night, but I didn't think I would be anyway. My left thigh muscle (despite my A&P, I can't figure out which muscle it is) was very twinge-y when I walked - I was kinda limping around the house last night. So maybe it was good to take a night off. Tonight I plan to ellipt in the usually-empty-gym-thank-goddess and lift some weights.

Talked with the ex-husband - nicely done. Talked with the daughter - also nicely done, and she even was more pleasant to her bro, nicely done!!! Had some chopped avocado & mango w/S&P and a little lemon juice for dinner, very yummy! I chopped up my remaining collard greens/eggplant/zucchini/parsnips, sauteed them with some lentils and a LOT of curry powder (and some garam masala), threw 'em in an oiled baking dish, and topped with pumpkin-from-a-can mixed with a lot more curry, sprinkled some pumpkin & sunflower seeds on top, and baked for 30 minutes. Adapted this from Healthy Bites. Can't wait to try it tonight!

Weekend plans - another insane one: plan to workout tomorrow late morning/early afternoon (ellipt/lift) and yoga on Sunday. I also need to get to a beach and harvest my hot stone massage stones, poor xena!

2007-02-01T10:31:00.000-05:00

In a mood

And not a good one! Actually, I feel better than I did this morning. The daughter doesn't really speak very nicely to the son (he's younger than she), and it really gets on my nerves. Despite numerous attempts to correct this behavior, she continues to do it. It brings up all kinds of crap about my relationship with my younger sister, who was/is the more volatile of the two of us. I was the peacekeeper and wouldn't confront her about the way she treated me, which wasn't very nice, and I got to the point of having a wariness (sp?)/almost fear of her. You never knew when she was gonna blow. Anyway, I know that is part of the reason it pisses me off when my own kid is doing it, although she is nowhere near as volatile, just condescending. Not to mention that this is not how we treat other human beings.

Any-hoo, I ended up eating about 7 cookies for breakfast, since I didn't have time to lecture her yet again, and although I knew I was doing it, didn't stop. However, I decided that I need to sit down with her and talk about what it was like for me to be on the receiving end of the nastiness growing up, and the damage it did to my relationship with my sister; to consider how her brother feels when she treats him that way. I hope it helps.

I also need to have an unpleasant conversation with her dad (unrelated, but similar in nature), so I know that's eating at me too, and I'm choosing to eat to numb it.

I made coffee, and felt like either crying or going back to bed or sitting on the couch and vegging out. I pulled it together and showered/dressed, and had no other breakfast. I almost forgot my fruit on the way out, trying to juggle everything I was carrying, and I managed to get another paper cut (got one yesterday on my thumb that was killer!) and knock something off the baker's rack. GRRR!

I tried to get perspective as I was driving to work, since this other stuff was pretty silly. But the feelings aren't, and I cannot continue to ignore them. Yes, I've made great progress over the years, but there is still more to learn.

I think I'm going to take the night off exercising since my house is trashed, we have 4 different school/sport/scout activities converging at once, and I haven't done a single practice hour of massage. Not to mention I have no idea what I'm making for dinner, and meat is sounding so good today. I'll see how I feel, but I'm thinking that I need some inner peace restored before I go off track completely.

2007-01-31T09:10:00.000-05:00

Head Ache

I've been very stuffereded up these past few days, and this morning woke up with a headache, yuck. I need to be drinking more than my 2 glasses/day water goal. Right now my eyes even hurt from the sinus pressure. I hate taking medication but this is not going to work for me since I don't have the choice of going home & sleeping it off, so I just took some decongestant/headache relief and am alternating sips of coffe with sips of water. I've been running my humidifer here at work, and I *know* it's very dry in here because I also have a fountain that dries out almost every day! I run the humidifer at home at night too. I imagine the Y is pretty dry, so that doesn't help during yoga/working out...

Yoga was tough again last night - I was so tired again, and I have no idea why? I went anyway, and did what I could. Actually, I did pretty well considering, and only came out of downward dog twice for a brief rest before popping back into it (plus she had us holding it awhile while she made adjustments on individuals). It just felt like a struggle.

I also feel as though I may have pulled a muscle around my left ribs, or goddess forbid, fractured a rib??? I've never had one so don't know how it feels, but it hurts sometimes to lie on my left side, turn certain ways, etc. I don't really feel it when I breathe deeply, so I'm hoping it's just a muscle pull.

I feel less bloated today, so maybe I am in PMS mode. I certainly was craving sugar yesterday, and ended up eating about 10 cookies (choc chip and choc creme sandwich, or the ones that are round on the ends and RE in the middle - the choc chip weren't full-size, just slightly bigger than the choc creme). Not so great. I have some natural herbal women's stuff that I should take when I'm feeling those cravings, to see if it helps. But doncha know that cookies are so much more efficient?

Looking back on the past month, I'm quite proud of myself for getting back on track, and taking clean eating a step further with moving towards vegan-ism. I definitely feel much better than I did at the beginning of the month, and even though the scale hasn't moved much, I know I'm more toned and flexible than I was 31 days ago!

2007-01-30T09:40:00.000-05:00

Habit

I got new glasses last November, and was advised to clean them in a certain way in order to preserve the anti-glare coating. Before, I would just rinse them in warm water and sort of circle around each lens on both sides with a towel. The new technique is to start from the nosepieces and wipe straight across towards the earpieces. It was hard to get used to at first, since morning is not my peak functional time, but I eventually got used to it. However, I got out of the shower this morning, and when it came time to dry my glasses, I went back to the swirly method without blinking. Thankfully I caught myself doing it and went back to the "proper" technique, but it made me think about how challenging it can be to change even the simplest of habits, habits that I have for things that I do EVERY DAY. It's been almost 3 months for the glasses, for pete's sake!

Perhaps this will help me be a little more forgiving of myself when I slip into old habits. Like wanting to eat junk as soon as I walk in the door at night (most likely due to the pressures of the second job, namely feeding and caring for my family and house). Or not taking my Floradil before my evening meal. Or adding chicken soup to my vegan soup in order to use up the leftovers, whoops!

Thankfully yoga is becoming a good habit. I went last night, although I was tired again, and it was not gentle again, which turned out to be fine. I got to bed later than hoped/planned, so I'm tired again today, and this finally-winter weather isn't helping the urge to crawl back under the comforter and take a nice nap.

I have good food available to me today, so I just need to take advantage of it!

2007-01-29T10:43:00.000-05:00

197

So I don't seem to be losing any weight, but I'm definitely feeling more fit and toned, so I guess that's what really matters. It's just disheartening to see all the pretty exercise stars (20 so far this month!) stuck all over my calendar and not see a downward movement on the scale. I'm not due for TOM for at least another week, so I don't think it's water retention. Ah well, I do enjoy the NSV's too.

I think part of it may be that I have been doing mostly yoga, which isn't exactly a sustained cardio workout. Yes, it's making me stronger and more flexible, but it's not getting my heartrate up consistently, so I am not in the calorie-burning zone. My long-term goals are to establish a consistent yoga practice, so I'm trying to focus on the "long term" aspect of it, and congratulate myself for moving so much this month.

Food is good - went grocery shopping, had an awesome stirfry (although the kids felt it was a bit too spicy for their tastes) with rice noodles, and leftovers for dinner tonight or lunch tomorrow. I thoughtlessly added the rest of the can of chix soup that my daughter had started to my tomato/chickpea/spinach soup to cut the tang of it, so I have that for leftover lunch today - I totally didn't think about the chicken aspect of it!!! I have an apple and some oranges, and some baby carrots. I finished my first bottle of Floradil, so that was also a victory, and I know I'm getting my iron.

I feel renewed this week, which is a much better feeling than last week, when I was seeking out sweets and comfort food. Every little step forward....I'll take it!

2007-01-27T14:31:00.000-05:00

Sweatin' to the moldy oldies

Ellipted today to Boston and Little River Band. Dude, Boston is kick-ass for a great pace on the elliptical! Kept the heart rate right up there, good ol' ellipticals. Eff you, treadmills! Did weights for back/shoulders, and I'm happy to report that I'm back to my old weight numbers, even if they are a bit challenging. As they should be.

No formal exercise yesterday, but 5 hours of decluttering my son's room. He did an excellent emotional job of getting rid of stuff, and even had enough room on his floor to have his cousin sleep over last night. Does my heart good, and I bet it did his too!

I can't remember if I posted about yoga Thursday night, but I did go, despite being tired and wanting to stay in out of the cold. Good xena!

I think I'm going to get an eye-pod when I get (if?) my annual bonus in April. In the meantime, I should start putting my CD's into eye-tunes so I'm ready to go. My bf just got the 80-gig - I really don't know if I need that much storage space. His CD collection is about 3x the size of mine.

I am re-reading the original Oprah book (is there another one out now? I was reading some hoo-ha about it, but can't remember if it was a book or what) in preparation for donating it, and although it focuses on the basics, the whole emotional eating chapter was a when-the-student-is-ready-the-teacher-will-appear moment. I need that reinforcement to prod me into really sticking to exploring what is *really* going on when I'm longing for chocolate. Breaking old habits will not be easy - I feel so much more prepared to work on it than I have in the past. Progress, dear girl, progress.

Other than the bacon sandwich yesterday, I've been impressed with the amount of meat I have not been having. We ordered indian food takeout last night, and I had a vegetarian dish (novratana or something korma) and some veggie naan, and I don't miss meat at all. I'm still avoiding most soy products due to the estrogen-mimic(k?)ing issue, but may have it once in awhile. Especially since I've found a bunch of yummy tofu recipes. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but I think I just don't know how to make it right yet.

Yoga tomorrow...enjoy the weekend!

2007-01-26T10:09:00.000-05:00

Brrrr

Baby, it's cold outside! I can't believe they are running my daughter's snowboarding program tonight - it's supposed to be something-below-zero with the wind chill factor, yikes! I don't think it helps that it's been spring-like here up until now - I swear our bodies aren't acclimated to the winter now. And my poor tulips or crocuses are *now* choosing to pop their heads out. "Hey, where the hell is spring?!". That's what I'd be saying, if I were a flower.

Yoga last night - yummy as always. I was definitely tired, and the cold made me want to skip it, but knowing I probably won't get an official workout today (I have a feeling that cleaning out the son's room will reward me with many trips up/down the stairs) and not working out the night before due to school got my arse in gear. As always, I was glad that I went afterwards.

I got a bunch of great vegan cookbooks from the library, and am interested in trying out some new things (nut roast? chestnut stuffing? whipped macadamia cream?). I truly believe following an eating plan would be SO much easier if I were single. This morning the daughter didn't finish her cheese & bacon sandwich, so I finished it for her. Terrible habit, I know, but the frugal scot in me (how'd he get in there?!) didn't want to see food wasted. Clearly neither bacon nor cheese are vegan, so...I've been getting by on making my own meals and having them last for leftover lunch and some dinners, so I've been pretty successful at avoiding the chicken or tuna that the rest of the fam is eating. Plus I make them eat some of the greens and we usually have a bean dish one night a week. I am so sneaky, yes?

Yoga tomorrow or ellipt/weights, and yoga on Sunday. Need to keep focusing on staying away from the sweets and more importantly, look at what is going on that is sending me in that direction.

2007-01-25T15:10:00.000-05:00

Standing on my head

Tuesday night, I almost didn't make it to yoga, but the bf offered to get the kids from their respective pickup places and I ran home, started dinner, and then went to class. I am so happy that I made it, because we did a headstand! And I did it! This particular instructor is very good, and explains things in ways that make it easy for me to understand, to correct my body, to get deeper into the poses. Granted, it was a headstand assisted by the wall, but it was very thrilling to be able to do it.

Monday night's yoga class, billed as "gentle", was anything but, and I was down to my tank top by the middle of class because I was sweating. I didn't mind so much that it wasn't gentle, but I wasn't really expecting it, and therefore not really revved up for it, if you know what I mean. Like if I know I'm going to do a killer workout, I can get energized beforehand, but if I'm just going to take a walk, it's not the same.

I've been overdoing it on the sweets again, especially last night after class (hot stone massage is AWESOME!). I need to explore what's behind this behavior....

Doing so-so on the goals this week - I can't give up now just because it's Thursday and if I haven't been getting pretty gold/green/silver stars for every goal then why bother for today/tomorrow/saturday/sunday anyway??? I do fine with the morning vitamins, and even getting a fruit and a veggie in every day (often more than one). Water? Hmm, I do better when I'm at yoga, but during the day have been opting for evil coffee instead. Flossing? Need to get back on that one!

Yoga tonight; not sure what's up tomorrow since I'm taking a half-day for the son (he has a half-day at school) and we need to tackle his jungle of a room. It's not that he's not neat, because he is for the most part. It's more that he gets a lot of "build it yourself" toys for gifts, and they've been piling up into little towers and mini-carnivals all over his not-very-big room, so that we're having to step over/around things to get to his dresser. Then we're having dinner with the bf's friend from CA, so no workouts there. Saturday morning? Hopefully yoga. If not, then ellipt/weights during the day. Sunday is yoga. I need to get some massage practice hours in too at some point.

2007-01-22T10:12:00.000-05:00

And then it gets hard

Well, the New Year bloom has worn off, and now it's time to do the hard work of keeping up with these goals and exercise. I definitely felt the struggle last week, and acknowledged it for what it is/was. I just gotta suck it up and move on!

I exercised every night except for the icy night (Monday?), mostly yoga. I did a nice long elliptical on Friday night, when the Y was thankfully almost empty and I didn't even have a neighbor on the machines. The free weight room was deserted too, except for a few dudes in & out. I was able to go back to my previous weights level, which made me very happy and amazed me as to how quickly the body & muscles "remember" what they used to be able to do. I was huffing & puffing a bit on the elliptical, but at least I had the resistance on (set at 5; can't remember the highest number it goes to - 12? 15?) this time.

I can feel the difference in my body already, most notably my buddha belly, which is where I always gain weight first. It's unfortunate that I have such animosity towards this poor little guy - so much emotion tied up in a physical piece of me that will *always* be a piece of me, no matter how big or how little. I remember getting a massage about a year ago, and when she massaged my abdomen, I broke into sobs. Why am I so cruel to myself??? To an innocent span of flesh that only responds to what I do to my body. Of *course* it's not going to stay trim and firm if I don't take care of it, and eat crap day after day. It's done so much for me - protected my 2 babies, supported my mellophone-playing days and thousands of belly laughs, been the happy recipient of my bf's kisses, and so on. Wow, I don't know where *that* all came from!!!

Anyway, eating is slowly getting on track. There were 3 days last week that food was provided here at work, and it was challenging to get veggies only. I have some parsnip/kale/black bean for a few meals, and need to figure out what I'm going to have the rest of the week besides salad. I am craving warm, heavy foods due to the time of year and sudden chill we're experiencing.

I did so-so on my goals from last week, and will be having the same for this week. I've already taken my floradil and multivitamin today, have 2 oranges beside me for later snacking, and my parsnip/kale/black bean dish for lunch. I need to fill up my water mug...

Gentle yoga for tonight. Speaking of which, I did a vigorous class on Saturday morning, and was worried about keeping up, given my long break and slow, stiff return, but I did very well and tried hard to listen to my body. It felt good to push a little.

And I start school up on Wednesday, yippee! Hot stones massage class, can't wait. Thankfully it's only 6 weeks and I don't have any other classes, so I should have a thousand-times-better chance at maintaining my clean eating and regular exercise!

2007-01-16T12:52:00.000-05:00

Sick Day

Both kids are home sick today. One was throwing up and the other has had an off/on headache since last night; they've both been sleeping a lot and starting to feel better. I hope the daughter can keep her lunch down!

Things got very icy here last night, so I opted not to go to yoga since falling down and hurting myself is not worth being on the DL for a month! There's always tonight.

Eating? Meh. I did enjoy my weekend, had an organic tomato/basil pesto pizza between saturday & sunday - it wasn't that big, maybe 10"? and some more B&J, damn them! Oh, did I mention some "natural" cheese curls too? *snort*

I did enjoy my weekend xena along time. I read trashy romance novels - they are a nice escape from reality, but they make me long for the same thing in real life, and we all know that there's no such thing as a wealthy/built/sensitive/awesome/love-making machine who sweeps one off their feet. And once the dirty laundry/finances/kids enter the picture, FORGET IT!

Did yoga on sunday - I really do have tight hamstrings, always have. Hip stuff is usually a breeze, although I am definitely not as flexible as I was a year ago! Speaking of which, it's been almost a year since my one-month massage intensive at Kripalu. I wish I could go back for a whole month again! I'm definitely a different person than I was a year ago - mostly in a good way. In some ways, I feel more jaded - I've lost my illusions that things could be perfect, people, situations etc. I always considered myself rather naive in some ways, and I feel that made the fall all that harder. So now I have to find out what *is* true for me and go with that, instead of ranting and railing about the injustice of it all, blah blah blah.

I got some cookbooks from the library - 2 vegan, 1 raw (what a PITA!!!!), and 1 veggie japanese cooking. I need to sit down and cull my own recipe library, grab some from these books if they look good, and continue to eat my grains, beans, fruits, veggies, nuts, and seeds. Speaking of which, Born Again Gym Bunny has a new food blog, and I can't wait to check out some of her recipes, as she has moved to eating more veggies vs. meat.

I am still enjoying this feeling of unhurried peace about my current weight loss journey - it's a lifetime change, and I don't need to introduce all these drastic changes at once. In the past, I've felt anxious and anal and the need to doitallnownowNOW! I'm not sure where this shift came from, but I would be happy if it sticks.

2007-01-13T09:55:00.000-05:00

Mmm...bacon

Yep, it's going to be hard to be pure vegan. I only had one piece of bacon at breakfast - it was so good! Damn taste buds. I really shouldn't complain, because then I might lose all sense of taste, and that would suck big time. I did have pancakes too, so no workout this morning (plus I was up late last night and got up "work week" time this morning, yuck!). Perhaps after my massage...

I forgot to mention yesterday that I gingerly tried out the scale yesterday morning and I lost 2 pounds! 194! Woohoo! Somehow, though, at least for me - and maybe it's because I am heavy - a couple pounds seems to come in & out of my life pretty easily, so I'm not as excited as I was when I lost 2 pounds weighing 173. But I'll take it, for sure. I'm already feeling less flabby, and my stomach seems to have lost some of its santa-like goodness.

Last night I indulged from some leftover holiday junk food from the freezer - pre-prepared stuff that I would usually never buy but did and we're slowly getting rid of it (crab rangoon, pigs-in-a-blanket, that sort of thing). I did a great job of throwing out everything else from the holidays by new year's day, but am keeping this as "backup" for when we have nothing to eat and need something quick. Once it's gone, it's gone. I just couldn't face another bowl of curry soup, which I had eaten 3 times in the past 2 days.

So I plan to finally put the xmas decorations downstairs (they've been down for a week but haven't been boxed up & put away) - it's kind of a pain because we have limited storage and need to rotate seasonal containers. Ah well! Then I am going to plan out food for the week - thankfully we have Monday off (MLK day - in the name of love - word!) so I can do some cooking then, because tonight is all about Xena! I do plan to go to the library, get that trashy romance novel, grab a healthy dinner from the natural food store, and veg out. My girlfriends suggested I do it nude (the vegging out part, not the public part), but it's a little too chilly for that, plus Aunty Flo is in town. Plus I'm not crazy about the state of my body, and it would just make me feel bad. *sigh* that's sad.

Workout today is questionable, but that's ok. We did the pool last night and got some mild exercise plus family time, which is a great combination, in my mind. Tomorrow is still yoga, and so is Monday assuming the holiday hasn't changed the Y schedule. I started putting stars in my binder/calendar for exercise, and it looks so cheery to have so many stars already!!! Let's keep this trend going!

2007-01-12T10:53:00.000-05:00

Keep them doggies rollin'

Raw hide? Nope, sore muscles!

I was *so* tired last night when I got home from work - I ended up sacking out for almost an hour before going to yoga. Thank goddess it was gentle yoga - I picked the back corner and really listened to my tired body, only holding poses for as long as *I* could, and then resting, even though others may have continued. I was so self-centered (har har) that I didn't even look around to see if others were "beating" me. Yes, it's truly true that yoga is about me me me and my body's needs for that moment alone.

Dinner was more forbidden rice (ooh, naughty!) and curried soup. Even the bf liked it! The color wasn't exactly appealing, between the eggplant and forbidden rice - it made it a grayish-purplish color, but it was delish! I did also have 2 bowls of granola & multigrain flakes w/hazelnut milk. For dessert. Naturally!

Unfortunately, I did not earn a green star for brush/floss/tool last night, but that's ok, I can do it tonight and the next night and the next night and the...

Tonight will most likely be the pool with my son since I am not meeting their dad until after 9:30 (ugh!). I haven't decided about tomorrow yet - I'll see how I feel after getting a massage in the afternoon....I'm sure I'll *totally* want to work out after that!

It's been a great week for accomplishing goals - I'm proud of myself, and considering keeping the same for next week too, since it takes at least 21 days to set a habit, if not longer. And these are some great basic self-care habits that should continue to be a part of my daily routine.

Enjoy the weekend!

2007-01-11T16:01:00.000-05:00

Still hurtin'

My triceps are still sore, especially around the elbows. It hurts to do a biceps curl, and I'm not even holding weights. I did not end up doing weights last night, more because I ran out of time.

I did the treadmill because all of the ELLIPTICALS were TAKEN, thank you SO MUCH. I hardly get a workout on the treadmill. I can't go fast enough to get my heartrate up enough like I do on the elliptical. I do the incline to accomplish a rise in heartrate, but right now I'm not in good enough shape to keep up with the dang thing long enough to raise my heartrate. Ah well, hopefully the ellipticals will start to be available again soon. Damn new year's. Of course, I'm one of those folks this time, haha!

Yoga tonight. Thankfully it's gentle, although I went to this same class last week (has it only been a WEEK since I started up again?!) and was out of breath for some of it. Tomorrow night will probably be elliptical 'cause only losers go to the gym on Friday nights, right? RIGHT? And there will be plenty of machines available. I have to drop the kids off with their dad first, so this is a late nighter, and the question of eating enough early enough so that I have enough energy w/o wanting to yak.

Saturday is questionable. It's really hard to consider not eating a lot at my sorta-every-other-week-girl-breakfast-meeting so that I can come back and work out before I have to give a massage in the early afternoon. 'Cause I WANT those hearty grain pancakes, and some bacon (so very non-vegan!) too! *sigh* If I don't get there in the morning, I want to do the evening, where there will most likely be ELLIPTICAL machines AVAILABLE. My temptation to stay away is that I'm going to have the house ALL TO MYSELF (why am I YELLING so much today?!) from Saturday afternoon to early Sunday, ya-frickin-hoo!!!! So it's looking more and more alluring to pick up a romance novel from the library and something healthy from the natural food place for dinner and loll around....ahhhhhh

Sunday will be yoga in-between lacrosse (that's lax to you, missy). I also need to plan, shop, & cook for the week. I made some yummy curry (can you tell that I do like the curry?) soup with veggies (including eggplant) and white beans, and added coconut milk at the end. I had it today with some "forbidden rice", which is an AWESOME purple color, quite chewy and yummy in its own right. The soup should last me the next few days...I also have purple kale in the fridge, and need to figure out what to do with it. Or may just go with the ol' saute deal.

Food has been improving drastically from the holiday break, but that ain't sayin' much. I am not tracking food yet - I am focusing more on the goals that I set, and am doing pretty darn well, thank you very much. I have done pretty well with avoiding sugary junk food, mostly because I don't really have any in the house to eat. For sweets I've been doing yogurt/granola, fruit, or roasted almond butter/apricot preserves on whole-grain bread. Coffee, though, in the mornings and an occasional afternoon cup. That's ok, 'cause this is LONG-TERM, baby!

2007-01-10T09:05:00.000-05:00

Annoyed

I'm in a rather foul mood this morning - I just want to go back home and get under the covers and sleep 'til noon. I'm not sure what the cause is. My schedule got thrown off when the daughter apparently missed the bus but we didn't realize it for almost 10 minutes (the bus driver isn't always consistent, so we figured he was running late, but then saw him pass by across the road, full of kids - my daughter is the first stop!). Thankfully the bf brought her in so that I could shower/eat and then get the son to chess club. I wasn't about to skip breakfast, so I quickly threw together some instant oatmeat, raw honey, pb, coconut, raw sunflower & pumpkin seeds and scarfed that down.

My triceps are KILLING me! I can barely straighten my arms out. I didn't even do anything that strenuous, although maybe the combination of yoga last night (downward dogs - a whole pack of them) and return-to-lifting the night before did it. I usually do tricep pulldowns on the rack standing up, and it happened to have the rope attachment (see pic above). I don't know if you've ever done the rope vs. the metal V, but the last few inches at the bottom of the motion are *killer* with the rope, since you pull your hands out slightly to get it to go down those last few inches, and that must really isolate the triceps, because I struggle much more than with the normal metal V attachment. BTW, that is *not* a picture of me, har har har!

I'm thinking of skipping weights tonight (shoulders/back) as I don't want to overdo it, but I'm wondering if any of the routine would actually need my triceps involved, e.g. lat pulldown.

Today is definitely a struggle, and I'm glad that I haven't given up coffee yet! I know it's a crutch, but I feel the need for a little comfort. I just need to stay away from the vending machine and raid my snack drawer instead, which has much healthier choices (nuts, bavarian multi-grain bread - cute little slices, sunflower butter, plus I have an apple and an orange).

I know these challenging days will happen, and hopefully they will be few & far between. I also hope that I can rely on my wisdom of trying healthier choices (take a walk, stop & breathe) and being kind & gentle with myself. I feel that will keep me on track and make it easier to climb back on if I have a day that didn't go as planned.

I've already earned 2 green stars today, so that is a step in the *right* direction!

2007-01-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

I lost 5 pounds!

Off the amount I can weightlift, that is.

Back to the free weights last night, chest/arms, and I had to take it down a notch or five. And I could barely finish my 3rd set of each - it was a struggle. My biceps looked rather wilted in the mirror. I dropped my stupid CD player for the umpteenth time and almost lost the battery cover. It was gray, like the elliptical machine, and blended in with the back piece, hee hee. Maybe I should start using my mp3 player, eh?

Ellipting was also a challenge. I didn't even bother putting any resistance on it (was up to an 8 out of 12 or 15, I can't remember what the top is), and my face was quite red, but my heartrate stayed in the "safe" range. I was in a hurry getting to the gym, so my daughter offered up one of her homemade CD's, which ranged from rap to teen hard rock to Journey. Ok, Steve, I won't Stop Believing! Yeah, I need to get my mp3 player loaded up with a solid workout playlist.

Got my dishes done last night, butternut squash/carrot soup w/hazelnut milk on the table for dinner, scout pack meeting attended (last one before son "crosses over" to Boy Scouts, *sniff!*), homework helped, teeth brushed/flossed/tooled, and kitchen picked up. It felt good to get up to a clean kitchen, for sure! Breakfast was (instant, not for much longer) oatmeal with some coconut, pumpkin & sunflower seeds, peanut butter, and a dash of raw honey mixed in, yum! I have steel cut oats that I'm going to attempt in the crock pot overnight with some fruit & seeds mixed in at some point soon. Tonight is rice & beans with broccoflower (genetically mixed broccoli & cauliflower -I hope it's normal! I got it at our local natural food chain so I'm hoping it's not an evil mutation). I had to eat corporate lunch since I was in a meeting for 3+ hours, but I choose the roasted veggies/cheese grilled wrap, a bunch of greens, and water. Oops, and chips!

Yoga tonight as well, can't wait! I had a hard time falling asleep last night, so wondered if I overdid it on the working out since I normally crash afterwards and sleep like a rock.

2007-01-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

Rainy days and Mondays

I actually enjoy rainy days, but I enjoy them more when I can sleep in! It's still crazy warm here, and my kids' ski programs are a sure bust again this week.

They started lacrosse clinics yesterday, and it was good to see them moving again, given how sedentary our holiday vacation was. It was necessary, given the nasty chest colds going on, but it's taken a toll on our cardio abilities!

I went to yoga, as planned, yesterday while they were at the clinics, and that was lovely as always. Saturday was not quite so successful. We did go to the track and walked around 4-5 times (maybe a little over a mile). It was downright *hot* and we could have been in shorts! So we decided to head over to the beach, and did not come home until almost 9:00, so I did not go to the gym as planned. But we got some beachwalking in, some kite-flying, some onion-ring and beach-ice-cream eating in, some great family time in. It was all worth it, and I'm trying not to fret about not getting something "done".

Yesterday was also not as balanced in getting things "done", but I got to sleep in, which was lovely. I did make up the lentils/sweet potato dish, which was yummy, along with the salmon, also yummy. I have the lentils for leftovers today, in addition to some zucchini/yellow squash and brown rice. However, I kinda blew it with a whole pint of B&J last night, *sigh* That stuff is e-vil! Ah well, can't go back now, and I need to keep it positive...no beating up allowed!

So I'm behind on my dishes, which I'll fix tonight. I did get a partial menu for the week planned and grocery shopping in, so have healthy food to prepare (was hoping to get ahead on that last night, ah well!).

I plan to go to the gym after work and fight for the elliptical. If the weights are unreasonably crowded, I'll extend my cardio and do weights another day. The weight of my own body in downward dog and other yoga poses is certainly giving my muscles enough to do!

My goals are the same as last week, plus adding 1 veggie/day to the list. I did so-so in the evenings on my goals over the weekend, so that may be an area to focus on. All those shiny gold, green, and silver stars by the end of the week put a smile on my face!

I haven't added any exercise goals into the mix yet because I want to get a handle on these basic goals first. I'm considering exercise a bonus, and it feels great to get back into it.

2007-01-06T12:12:00.000-05:00

I feel good

Less than a week of cleaner eating and some movement, and I'm feeling better already. I know a lot of that is mental, but I'll take it!

Splashed around with the scouts last night. I recall last year this time when I was much prouder of appearing in public in a bathing suit. I had been working out for over a month, and felt more toned. This year, however...I had to pull out some shorts to wear over my bottoms, since they were revealing waaay too much of my badonkadonk. I'm sure the bf would have loved it, but not the rest of the scouts and their parents.

It is practially tropical outside today - it has to be close to 60. We're heading over to the track in a bit, maybe heading up to the beach for an hour or two. I have plans to get to the gym later and ellipt/lift. Hopefully a Saturday evening will find it less crowded at this time of year.

I have more food left over from my monday cooking than I had planned, so I need to eat my butternut squash/carrot soup and my udon noodle soup soon. I pulled salmon out for curry-ing and found a terrific lentil/sweet potato curry to go along with it. I am going to sit down today and plan out the week, and the shop either today or tomorrow.

I sat down and typed out my 2007 goals. A big chunk of them have to do with building my massage/bodywork practice, which makes me nervous and excited. I know I'll be great but the insecurity of having my own business is freaking my shit out a bit. I'm not going to do anything crazy - I can't. I have 2 kids who depend on me for benefits and financial security, since their facther can't seem to be depended on. But I know I won't be doing human resources for too much longer!

2007-01-05T15:15:00.000-05:00

Boy, am I Thor!

I am trying not to be judgmental, but I am so very out of shape and it's rather pitiful. I went to yoga last night (yeah xena!) and could barely get through some of the poses. I woke up at 2:30 a.m. with such a sore upper middle back/neck that I had to get a heating pad for it, and have the bf put some tiger balm on it this a.m. Ugh!

But it felt great to be there, and to be breathing, and stretching, and moving again. Tonight is scout swim, so that should be fun and some moving around, even if it's not all that cardio-esque.

Still earning my gold stars, yippee! It was wonderful to go to bed last night, teeth/gums fresh & squeaky clean, pleasantly tired from the yoga class, feeling content that I am moving in the right direction again.

Tomorrow will either be the gym or early morning yoga. Sunday the same. I need to shop & cook on Sunday too in order to have healthy yummy stuff available again all week as I did this week.

May your weekend be healthy and happy!

2007-01-04T13:55:00.000-05:00

16 gold stars!

Yes, I get motivated by gold stars on a chart. I also have them in green, silver, red, and blue. I'm giving myself a chart to use to satisfy my anal tendencies, my need to analyze and plot and chart/graph/plan the next 52 weeks. It's working so far.

It includes everything from yesterday's post - Floradil 2x/day, multivitamin, 2 cups of water, 1 piece of fruit, and brush/floss/tool. I was tired last night (I like vacation schedule *much* better!) and tempted to skip the brush/floss/tool, but I did it anyway, and it probably took all of 4 minutes. As I said, new habits are hard to build.

I reviewed the yoga schedule, and can definitely make enough classes to make it worth it, so I'm going to sign up tonight after my son's piano lessons, and attend the 7:30 class. They've added meditation classes and chakra-focused yoga, so that's very cool! My back has really been bothering me due to lack of movement and only giving one massage in 3 weeks, so I need to get moving again. I plan to get there early in case of first-week-of-January sardine-age.

My system is definitely not happy about all this new-fangled fiber stuff that I've been treating it to, and I've been rather uncomfortable digestion-wise. TMI, I know, but lump it. I'm still on coffee, so that's been keeping things moving, har har har!

It feels natural to be moving back to good habits, but I know I'm going to start hitting bumps in the road, and I need to be committed enough to keep going. I know that having healthy, prepared (emphasis on prepared!) food is a key component to my success.

Oh, I can't wait for 7:30!

2007-01-03T09:29:00.000-05:00

196 it is, ugh!

Back where I started, but hopefully a little wiser. Yes, it's resolution time. I'm happy to see those of you who accomplished your 2006 resolutions, or came pretty darned close.

I am definitely not thrilled about my current weight, but I'm not beating myself up as severely as I would have a year ago, so that's progress.

I have no desire to go anywhere near the gym for a few weeks, although I am itching to lift weights again. I need to check the yoga pass situation and make sure I can make the scheduled classes - I have one last massage class (woohoo!) on Wednesday nights starting 1/24/07 for 6 weeks, so want to be sure the yoga schedule works with that.

I cooked for a few hours on Sunday night, after a few hours spent at the local natural food store on Saturday night. My current plan is to move to vegan-ism. My son was concerned that I wouldn't make his spanish grandmother's recipe for chuck steak now that I was becoming a "virgin", so that gave me and the bf a huge belly laugh! I know I won't switch over completely, but it's a good target for overall eating. It also encompasses my son's allergies to dairy and corn somewhat...

My goals for this week, and I'm trying desperately to not overplan and be all graphs/charts/subgoals blah blah blah, are to:

1. Brush, floss and dental tool (for my gums) every night.
2. Take my floradil (for iron & b vitamins) in the morning and at night before meals.
3. Take my daily multivitamin in the morning.
4. Drink 2 cups of water/day.
5. Eat 1 piece of fruit/day.

That's it for this week. It seems like these should be easy to accomplish, but I have forgotten how hard it is to start a new habit. Painful, even. I don't like to have to think about my routine.

I have other long-term goals that I am spacing out over the next few months, instead of trying to have them all in place by next week, which would be setting myself up for failure.

Wish me luck! More importantly, wish me consistency.

2006-12-21T15:02:00.000-05:00

I'm done!

Well, I made it through the semester, with only a chest cold as the worst of it. The kids are both sick too, so we're all home today. Just in time for the holidays!

I had my annual physical today, and the damage wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, except weight-wise. My cholesterol is still borderline (189); my numbers came down (I can't remember the split) on one of the LDL or HDL, which was surprising. I'm still anemic. Given my lousy eating these past 3 months, I'm not surprised. I just started taking Floradil, so hopefully that will crank the iron levels up.

So I was planning to start back at the gym this week, but given this chest cold and general exhaustion, I need to rest and recover first. I have a massage scheduled for saturday, and then it's bf family time, a breakfast with my ladies, more bf other family time, and then my side on christmas day. Otherwise I am making a strong effort not to schedule anything else, and tomorrow is my last day at work until 1/2/07!

I miss yoga, I miss weightlifting, I miss cardio, I miss sweating. I don't like feeling blobby and flabby and no muscle tone. Yuck.

I've missed checking in with other blogs and keeping up this one, but I know that I did what I could this past semester and kept my priorities mostly straight. I hate trying to get back in the gym right around the new year resolutionaries, but it is what it is. I know it will subside in February, as it always does, and I will have the machines mostly to myself again!

Happy holidays, whatever you may or may not celebrate, and happy Solstice for today!

2006-11-27T14:01:00.000-05:00

Once a month check-in?

Apparently so.

I haven't gotten on the scale since the 184 reading. Judging by my clothes, I'm probably (hopefully) still around there or not much higher.

I was very proud of my mom this year - whether intentional or not, she put out the smaller china dinner plates at Thanksgiving, and that trick really works! I even had plenty of room for dessert, vs. trying to cram it in on top of an overstuffed belly, which feels awful.

I've been doing a little walking here, a little dancing there, a rare visit to the gym for treadmill time. I seem to keep forgetting that giving massages is certainly an *active* activity, even if it's not cardio. I'm in lunge/warrior/plie stances for a good portion of the massage, since my table is so low. I'm in class 3 nights a week, but two of those are giving massage for at least an hour each. And receiving at least an hour of massage in return, which is much more enjoyable, har har har! Not to mention all 45 of my practice hours (I still have 16 to go, not bad!). So anyway, it's not like I am sitting on my ass full-time. Just from 9-5. Which technically is full-time, unless one is also going to school 3 nights a week and some Saturdays.

Speaking of which, we moved into our new facility, and I have been walking so much. I got a pedometer, and just day-to-day walking around (since we're so spread out now) gets me over 5000 steps a day. I know the goal is at least 10,000, but I'm being realistic.

Eating has been up and down. I've been trying to get back into having a piece of fruit and some sort of veggie once/day, since I had gotten away even from that. Partly due to the fact that I haven't seen the inside of a grocery store (except for the 10:30 p.m. trip last Tuesday night to avoid the holiday crowds) in months, so I haven't been *buying* fruits and veggies much. I can't remember the last time I cooked.

Three. More. Weeks. In the meantime, I am a massaging machine, and have a tentative goal to get all of my practice hours in by the end of classes on 12/16. It's tentative because I don't want to push myself to the point of getting ill, or injuring my hands/body by overdoing it. I still need to work full-time and do my reading and studying and other basic functions. But this particular moment in time is my Dairy Queen time. Have I not told you my Dairy Queen story? Here it is:

The Dairy Queen Story, by Xena

Once upon a time, there was a 30-something chickadee, mother of 2, freshly divorced, who was taking karate and training to get her black belt. Girl, she looked *hot*! True, she wasn't svelte or back down to less than 150, but she was a strong mofo and kicked ass in sparring. Plus she could do real pushups!

Anyhoo, this lovely, confident chickadee was in her Black Belt Phase, which lasted 14 weeks, no more, no less. In this time, she had to attend extra Black Belt Phase classes and write essays and do community service and other character-building type stuff. These things were no problem for ms. xena, who happened to be especially good at attending extra classes and writing essays and doing community service. However, and this wouldn't be a very exciting Story if there wasn't a "However", she also had to run 3 miles in 30 minutes, no more but less was even better. Ms. xena was not very good at the running of the miles in 10-minute increments, and her shin splints certainly did not enjoy this either.

Fortunately, our heroine had the choice to bike 15 miles in 64 minutes (also no more but less was even better). You may say "pshaw, that's nuttin'!". Perhaps not for you, triathlete goddess that you are. For me, I mean for xena, this was a challenge. The course had a massive hill and several not-so-massive-but-almost-as-challenging hills, and it went by the river, which had a secret wish to slow cyclists down by constantly sending wind off its banks no matter which direction you were going. Not to mention crazy northeast drivers.

Xena was not going to let this stop her, though, nosirreebob! She bought a magnetic trainer to train indoors since it was January, and she actually got on the device a couple times a week. Her ischial tuberosities even got used to being crushed on the hard bicycle seat. She enjoyed listening to the Police (editors note: Next To You is a great interval training song!!!) and sweating and making progress.

Before she knew it, it was March and time for the first Ride. If she made her time on this first Ride, she would be set for the next 14 weeks. Of course, she would still have to do the ride anyway, but at least the pressure would be off.

I wish I could say this was part of the storytelling, to make it tense and interesting and have the reader on the edge of their seat to tell them that ms. xena did not in fact make her time on the first ride. I wish I could say that I'm making it up when I tell you that ms. xena did not in fact check her tires for proper pressure after taking the bike of the trainer. It would also not be fabrication or embellishment to tell you that ms. xena could not in fact go very fast at ALL with such low pressure in her bicycle tires, and that ms. xena was in tears less than 2 miles into the Ride as she saw all her friends pulling far far far ahead of her because they in fact *did* check on the pressure in their tires before attempting to ride 15 miles and she was NEVER going to make her time or get her black belt, and how she must be fat and out of shape if she couldn't do such a simple thing as ride her bicycle up a hill. *sniff* Are you crying yet, dear reader? If not, then you are truly heartless and should watch Scrooged or Cars before continuing on with my story.

Still with me? Yes, it wasn't a pretty sight. Some nice already-got-their-Black-Belts, just-there-for-encouragement dudes helped ms. xena realize that her problem was not her big badonkadonk, but her lack of air pressure, and that she would make the time next weekend, when we get to do the same thing all over again at seven a.m. on a sunday morning. Ms. xena was very skeptical but didn't have much of a choice, if she truly wanted her black belt more than anything else in the world, except maybe dinner with John Cusack (before she found out that he hated Better Off Dead. WTF?!).

So, our wise heroine filled her tires with the proper pressure and bought one of those air compressor do-hickeys that plugs into one's car cigarette lighter, when one isn't lighting up cigarettes, that is, so that she could always have proper tire pressure no matter what. The next sunday morning at seven a.m., our fearless warrior set off once again to conquer man and nature, and several potholes, because this *was* post-winter in new england, after all. Can you guess what happened on that sunday? If you guessed that ms. xena made her time, you would be horribly wrong and much too optimistic.

In fact, ms. xena did not make her time that sunday, nor the next one. It's been several years now, so the author may not *exactly* remember just how many sundays this went on for, but it was a lot. At this point, many other Black Belt Phase candidates had made their time and therefore joined in the fun of helping their comrades do the same. Oh, joy.

One sunny spring sunday seven a.m. Ride, ms. xena was joined by one of the Black Belt Phase candidates parents. I would just like to say up front that this man was trying very hard to be very supportive and doing a very fine job at it, and ms. xena certainly appreciated this man's support and encouragement. She made the halfway point in record time (at least it was a record for her!), and was very positive about this being The Sunday that she made her time.

Along this route, there is a Dairy Queen, which we in new england call DQ for short, 'cause we are all that. This DQ is less than a mile from the end of the route, and after the DQ there is a little hill up to a set of lights, and then a bunch of parked cars to avoid for the final stretch. Mr. BB parent was with me, we're pushing hard. He looks at his watch as we have the DQ in our sights....uh oh, only 4 minutes to make it. Ms. Xena, huffin' and puffin' and feeling a little nauseous: "I don't think I can make it". Mr. BBP: "I'm not sure if you're going to make it either." Well, that's all our little heroine needed to hear to give up. She immediately slowed way the hell down as she passed the DQ, and certainly did not make her time that day.

I am sad to report that if Ms. Xena had *not* given up, had pushed it just a tinge more that last less-than-a-mile stretch, she surely would have made her time that day, because she still rang in a hair under 2 minutes. BIG SIGH. She was very unhappy with herself. She surely realized that she should not have given up, and maybe she should go back and watch Rudy one more time. Or When Harry Met Sally. After sufficiently beating herself up and crying a few pitiful tears, she went home to wait for the next sunday seven a.m. Ride.

And now it would be appropriate to share with you, mostly because our story has dragged on long enough and has fulfilled the angst quota, that our weary ms. Xena did in fact make her time that spring, and went on to achieve her Black Belt, which continues to be one of the greatest accomplishments in her life. She was proud to receive her Black Belt along with her daughter, who had made her own running time (1.5 miles in 15 minutes) much earlier that spring; this elevates the story to the Proud Momma level, y'know.

That fall, when she had to do it all over again (oh, did I not mention that the spring phase was for Conditional Black Belt???), she in fact made her time the very first Ride of the year, and in fact made it in less than sixty, count them, six-tee whole minutes!!! She still believes the river winds were sleeping that warm fall morning.

Ever since then, she has used the Dairy Queen Story as a moral in her life, for the times when it seems like nothing is going to succeed and it's practially too late anyway so why don't you throw in the towel and call it a day already? Those truly are the times to push harder, as cliche as that may sound. I guess cliches are still around for a reason, eh?

The END

Makes you wanna run a marathon, huh? An-y-way, I have 16 practice hours left to get in by 12/16. Even if I do a half-hour each night after school, I could still be in bed by midnight, and those 30 minutes do add up. My bf won't complain about a daily massage! I already finished my one paper, which is due this Saturday. I have a bunch of reading to do for that, which I can get done by this upcoming Sunday night, and then we have a take-home final due 12/16. I have one or two chapters to read for my deep tissue class, which I can bang out by this Wednesday night. I have 2 more quizzes, a take-home quiz, and a final for anatomy & physiology II. I have a little bit of reading left for my massage II. Of course, I still have my company holiday party (this saturday night), tickets to a kids' show on sunday, and I foolishly agreed awhile back to perform at 2 holiday concerts (12/10 and 12/17) even though I haven't been going to rehearsals. It's music I played last year (and maybe the 2 years before that), so that will be do-able, but it's more the time spent when I could be getting in practice hours.

Then I can get back to the gym! Woohoo! Just in time for the new year's resolutionaries crush.

Wish me luck!

2006-10-27T14:30:00.000-04:00

Halfway point

Well, I'm halfway through the semester and halfway through my massage school career, so wahoo!

I fear I am also halfway back to gaining back all the weight I've lost since last November, boohoo!

Eating has been for shinola, and exercise....what the hell is that?

I need a bunch more practice hours; thankfully my sometimes-saturdays class is off again (after tomorrow) until December, although I need to write a paper (?!?! I haven't done that since college!)...at least I can schedule some practice in. My business class is done, so that's at least a few hours a week less reading/writing/creating business schtuff.

I wish I were one of those people who lost their appetite when they are stressed. Even when I've had the option of semi-healthy choices (salad bar at our work cafe), I've been chosing french fries and comfort food. I don't suppose it helps that we're packing up our office to move several hundred feet down the street, and I have to go to a convention so be packed up fully by next Wednesday, UGH!

Oh, and do my normal work.

I can't wait for the holidays.

2006-10-18T16:35:00.000-04:00

Signs that my life is insane

Packing up my son's snacks/lunch for the day in the parking lot of the school after an early-morning trip to the local health food chain to buy allergy-friendly foods because he had run out. We even remembered to bring baggies from home!

The bf has been amazing in keeping up with the weekly food changes for him, but didn't realize he was out of school snacks. I'm very thankful to have his help right now (always).

2006-10-17T09:40:00.000-04:00

Please don't go

I am still enjoying this calm feeling, and hope it sticks around, even though I'm not sure where it came from. It doesn't matter, as long as it stays!

No coincidences - my eating was very good yesterday. I hit 5 fruits/veggies, which hasn't been happening much lately. I didn't eat ANY chocolate, and the only processed sugar was in my half-decaf coffee. I was going to have a PB&J when I got home after school late last night, but my sweet bf had made up a cute plate of leftovers (broccoli, orange-ginger beef, and butternut squash soup w/basmati rice). I couldn't finish the soup so brought it for class tonight. I also brought yogurt, baby carrots, some peppers, and hummous for today.

No exercise yesterday or today, but am planning on doing laps during son's soccer practice tomorrow...

2006-10-15T10:02:00.000-04:00

In competition with no one but myself

I need to stop comparing my progress (or lack of it) with others.

For some reason, I am feeling less anxious. Ever since our 5-year-anniversary getaway last weekend, I've been feeling much calmer and more assured of myself and the things that I need to do. I guess I don't need to know why (the analytical xena does, though!) - I am definitely grateful for it, so I'll leave it at that.

Wednesday I did laps around the soccer/baseball fields in the drizzle while the son had soccer practice - 40 minutes worth. I was definitely pooped by the end, and I know I've lost some stamina. But it felt good to be moving.

Yesterday I got outside in the beautiful new england fall sunshine to play football/baseball catch and some grass hockey with the daughter. I tackled her needlessly/out of turn and we had a blast.

I'm behind on my practice hours but cruising on my reading/written homework. I need to recruit my friends & family and get some dates/times set for practicing massage on them.

I can't wait to decorate for Halloween - it's my favoritest holiday ever. We pulled the boxes upstairs yesterday and I plan to have my homework done by tonight so that we can do it up, wooboo!

I've come to some clarity about working with "people of size" in my future massage business and the connections to my own struggle with weight issues, my mother/partner/friends being overweight, and the issues of non-judgmental touch. It scares and exhilarates me, but I know my own journey has its purposes. My fear has subsided about my ability to support myself financially, despite the hard facts of therapists I know that have had to return to a corporate job to support themselves, the rising competition, my current lifestyle (living in an overpriced town where I can only afford to rent so that the kids get a great education). I know this is what I am meant to do and I believe that the clients will come and some of them will stay for a spell, or a lifetime.

Today the bf & I plan to bike down to the local cemetary and check out the gorgeous foliage. I am fortunate to live in this part of the country! Maybe the farm stand will be open, too...

2006-10-10T10:03:00.000-04:00

It must be Tuesday

Time for check-in!

Yes, it's pitiful that I've been reduced to once/week. Unfortunately, it's the only "reducing" going on in my life right now. *sigh*

The bf & I went away this w/e for our 5-year anniversary (hoopy-doo!) to an adorable seaside B&B that had daily yoga and onsite massage. The weather was effing AMAZING. We soooo needed to get away. I was wound up so tight when we arrived friday night that my trap muscles could have sliced through stone. By Sunday night, I was peaceful enough to nap on & off and still sleep soundly all night.

I'm sure this was aided by the walking and ocean air. Negative ions, y'know. We walked probably around 2-3 miles along the water and in the touristy little towns on Saturday, and then another couple of miles on Sunday, again along the ocean. Gorgeous. It felt good to be moving again.

I also did one of the yoga classes, which was so wonderful. I miss yoga. And I had a massage before we left yesterday, and then we walked into town to get some evil coffee (with real steamed water! The bf thought that was, well, bizarre). I was sad to leave.

I feel blobby and disconnected, which just makes me want to eat more junk. I did strive to have fruit and veggies over the weekend, which was accomplished, but I had a lot of coffee and treats too. Good thing Halloween is coming! I hate chocolate!

2006-10-03T13:33:00.000-04:00

184 and homework up the ying-yang :-(

'nuff said.

2006-09-26T10:19:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm still here

Just in case you were worried.

I've bitten off more than I can chew, har har har. I'm not whining - I knew what I was getting into. I was being optimistic about fitting exercise and good eating into this plan, but so far it's not going as planned.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, and my first reponse is to comfort eat, so I've been doing plenty of that. Fully aware each time, so that's better than the past. Being fully aware kinda makes it worse, though.

I had 4 classes last week, and the same for this week, plus football/soccer practices & games, PT appointments for the daughter's various injuries, and work. And breathing - not much of that going on.

My plan is to get to the Y tomorrow night, even for a quick 20 minute cardio and some weights. Will that just make me feel more overwhelmed and exhausted?

I dunno, but I need some serious stress relief. My anxiety is increasing exponentially, in inverse proportion to my lack of exercise. I'm sure I would be eating better, or at least less, if I was exercising.

I've given 3 massages, so that's movement, at least.

I'm hanging in there, so maybe that's the most important of all...

2006-09-19T10:37:00.000-04:00

Walk To School day

Another walk-to-school day, so at least I got some exercise. But then I ate 2 smallish brownies, 3 gh1radell1 chocolates, and some mocha (hot coffee/hot choc mixed together). My eating was deplorable yesterday, although I had some greens with my bacon and 1 slice of bread/mayo. I'm surprised I didn't pass out in class.

I have some rice/beans/chicken that my ex-MIL made when she came up this w/e. I didn't exercise as I hoped to, and took a huge nap Saturday. Maybe I was coming down with something, I dunno, but I was *exhausted*. Spent the w/e doing the sports stuff, enjoying my ex-SIL's 3-month old baby, and not doing much of anything else. I still haven't cooked up the veggies that I bought saturday morning, and I have class tonight, so probably won't happen until tomorrow. I have 2 apples and an asian pear sitting on my desk, just as they did yesterday, sadly waiting to be eaten. And waiting. And waiting...

I have carrots and yogurt for class snack tonight. I need to lay off the brownies and mocha and start drinking some water, take some vitamins. I was doing so well w/exercise the first week & 1/2 of school, I can't stop now. The walk this morning was nice, not very long (a little over a mile, maybe?). Tomorrow is son's soccer practice so hope to do laps again, if it's not pouring (in which case they'd probably cancel practice, but we have open house & haircuts so wouldn't be able to get to the Y until after that - there's a thought).

I was reading about people who have gone through surgery for weight-loss, and it scared me. It scares me to be over 180 again (182 last time I checked). It's so easy to just keep eating the junk and ignoring how the days are piling up, that I can start "tomorrow". I'm sick of it. Where is my willpower? I was reading about Beth's amazing willpower against the B&J, which I ate a WHOLE PINT of last week in one sitting. What the hell is going on? Am I really that stressed about school/work/kids/sports/when-the-hell-am-I-gonna-make-veggies? Superwoman syndrome strikes again.

I know part of it is my inconsistent procrastination at work. When I get stuff done, I eat better and want to take better care of myself. When I don't get stuff done, I guess I might be punishing myself for it? Or not bothering to do the other "stuff" too? GRRRR

I am happy to report that my sink is clean, my counter is clean, hell, even the kitchen island is clean (usually a mecca of papers, bills, mail, assorted stuff). My bed was made this morning, my bedroom is picked up. My basket of papers isn't threatening to dump all over the kitchen floor. I have fruit and veggies in the house, the kids have lunch stuff. I'm not really doing that BAD. So WTF???????????????????????????????????

I'm going to get some water and buckle down here.

2006-09-14T13:15:00.000-04:00

Drive-by Check-in

Not drive-through, thankfully!

Ok, I've still been freaking out with mini-binges of mostly chocolate things, and I had some dunkie's coffee that someone brought in this morning. Balanced with healthy meals and not all that much extraneous snacking. Mostly hitting the one veggie/one fruit per day goal.

Walked for 55 minutes during son's soccer practice yesterday - mostly flat ground but didn't have proper sneakers, just slide-in's so definitely had to grip those puppies by the end.

This morning did 40 minutes of "dynamic" kripalu yoga by tape, since my damned DVD is finally dying and couldn't do my tribal bellydance fusion dvd. Ah well - the yoga was wonderful. I miss it mucho mucho!

School starts for me next week - 3 nights and one weekend day, so I seriously need to buckle down on this anxious eating and get some healthy munching options to replace it....

2006-09-12T15:58:00.000-04:00

Had a blast!

The beach was loverly - it only rained a bit on Saturday night, while we were inside eating freshly-grilled steak tips (yum!) and sweet potatoes, along with salad. Poor babies, eh? Also consumed along the way was much salad, some meat-a-balls, too many jello shots to count, some wh3at thins, which I adore and don't buy 'cause I'll eat the whole box myself, a chocolate-chip bagel, coffee, water (tried to keep up with the dehydrating effects of the alky-hol), chocolate (dark, which is great for your heart, so no worries eh?) fondue for the fruit salad, and my chicken-blackbean-chili. Chunks of cheese here and there. Apple crisp for dessert. No beach ice cream, although I did get my favorite-ice-cream-of-all-time coffee cookies-n-cream (it's not the same anywhere else), YUM! Too much booze and ciggies. Ah well.

We walked the beach every day (probably a mile or so each way). We walked to/from the dance club, where I danced my fool head off, jumping around and making the girls laugh. My quads are *still* sore from jumping around in 2-inch chunky heels. I'm lucky I didn't sprain my ankle! I did some yoga poses in the ocean, swam a lot (not the last day - too cold). Walked up/down the 3 flights of stairs to our rental at least 4-5 times/day, not to mention carrying all of our crap to move in on Friday and out on Sunday. So got lots of movement to counter the lots of calories.

I had a terrific time.

I did not exercise yesterday, as I was recovering from the "weekend bender" (the bf called it that) and still sore, mostly my legs. Today I walked the track while son rollerbladed. He wants to do it every day now!

Mini-binge last night on single-serving package of chocolate chip mini-cookies and a sn1ckers bar, and 3 chocolate mini-grahams. I think the stress of going from work to home/football pickup/dinner/homework is already getting to me, so I need to find alternatives to stuffing the anxious feeling with eating.

2006-09-08T09:40:00.000-04:00

Buh-bye

All packed and ready to go! Working a 1/2-day then heading off to the beach weekend w/my girls! There's 7 of us - what a perfect number. It's supposed to be in the low 80's today (yippee!), occasional t-storms tomorrow (boohoo), and probably flat-out raining on Sunday. Ah well. We'll have a blast!

Yesterday, after doing so well, I succumbed to the local DD special of medium hot (decaf) coffee for 49cents, boohoo! Then I had a w0nka bar, which is cinnamony chunks of graham cracker or something in chocolate, boohoo.

But then I had a healthy dinner (curried chix and lots of raw carrots) and nothing else, except a few drinky-poos with the bf. Oh, and a clove.

I didn't work out this morning as I have been very sore (surprisingly so, given the wimpy weights I've been lifting) and stayed up until almost 1 a.m. last night....we'll probably walk the beach tonight so I'll get some movement there, plus I have to walk down to a meeting in a different building, so that's something too.

The scale (after finally starting TOM)(see, I *told* you the weepiness of last Sat. was PMS!) is inching down, and I'm currently at 178, yeah! It's good to be out of the 180's, even though it was a brief stay. It made me a bit fearful of rocketing back up to 196, like I was a year ago, ugh!

Have a super weekend.

2006-09-07T13:47:00.000-04:00

Movin' right along

Another successful workout morning (dancin' to the Wave), although my son kept interrupting and at one point I was chanting, in my head, "patient, present, and forgiving....patient, present, and forgiving...". That shit actually works!

Had the turkey tacos late last night and SO wanted to have more than one, but decided to have a little turkey/guac/lettuce/tomato pile instead. I was very hungry, though, so am impressed that I stopped there. I've been grabbing a turkey/cheese/greens/oat bran bread sandwich for the kids' practices since they last so long, and that's been helping keep me in check, along with a few bits of trail mix (organic, of course)(watta snob!).

Tomorrow afternoon I depart for my annual women's beach weekend, where I will be sure to overeat, although we do bring fairly healthy dishes, and most definitely overdrink/smoke. I can't wait! I will try to avoid the beach center, where they have fried dough and softserve ice cream, which I don't normally go for, but there is something about beach ice cream that can't be beat. Anyway, it's not *all* about the food/drinking - we always end up laughing practially nonstop, and sometimes talking about really deep issues. It's a crazy, wonderful mix.

In the meantime, I've been eating my goal of one fruit/veggie per day, and exceeding it so far. I don't want to get settled into that notion, though, because if/when it ends up being *one* per day, I won't feel as though I am failing. We'll have fruit salad and regular salad all throughout the weekend too. We also do at least one long walk along the beach per day, and try to go out dancing at one of the dives. I may just break even for eating/moving!

I am also enjoying the workout routine of doing a 30-minute or less workout in-between when the daughter gets on the bus and the son gets on the bus. It still gives me enough time to eat breakfast, shower, help him w/any last-minute stuff, and get any lunch stuff that's not already at work together. We'll see what happens when my school starts up again in a week & 1/2 (ugh!). I had originally planned to get up at 5:45 to go to the Y, but this is working out pretty nicely so far. It's been a good transition to the earlier start of the day.

I haven't had my vitamins etc. yet, so I will do that now! And my caffeine-withdrawal headaches seem to be gone already, very impressive. Maybe the decaf was a better choice after all. I know I'll be having coffee this weekend too...

2006-09-06T10:21:00.000-04:00

But I don't WANNA get up!

*sigh* I hate getting up early. Hate it hate it hate it. Especially now that it's starting to be chillier in the mornings. Ah well - suck it up, xena!

I was soooo exhausted last night - we didn't get out of football until almost 7:00, and then I had to find a lunchbox for the son (failed mission), a soccer ball (failed missions), a key copy (successful), and a run to the drugstore (successful). Since we didn't get home until almost 8:00, the planned dinner of turkey tacos was down the tubes. We had BLw/otheT since the son can't have tomatoes. Then I had some cereal since I was so frickin' hungry.

I also had a huge headache, which makes it challenging to be Present, Patient, and Forgiving, but I did a good job of it anyway. I know the headache is the dreaded Caffeine Withdrawal. CW, you suck!!!

I still had a headache this morning. It's ok for now.

I worked out again this morning, good xena. I did my Goddess bellydance workout w/Veils, which was a good 25 minutes but unfortunately not much of a cardio workout. My arms were *killing* me, though! Then I lifted with my wimpy 8 pounders - chest and arms. I did 3 sets of 15 reps instead of 12, since the weights weren't very challenging.

I'm also a bit sore today in the hamstring area, probably due to the psycho yoga workout. Geez.

I had a banana with breakfast (and have grapes for lunch), so I just need to have a veggie with lunch, easily accomplished (I have eggplant/ricotta leftover pizza, a small salad, and my tomato/eggplant dish). I'm striving for the turkey tacos tonight, although football goes until 7:00 again and I still need to get back to the grocery store...

So I've accomplished my 2 workouts for the week, and 1 lifting session. One more to go!

2006-09-05T10:53:00.000-04:00

School Year's Resolutions, Day 1

I'm happy to say that I worked out Saturday (a great "dance" video, The Wave) and this morning, yippee! Saturday I also did weights (shoulders/back) at home, which sucks since my heaviest dumbbell is only 8 lbs. (and why are they so frickin' expensive?!), but the Y was still closed. This morning I did a psychotic fat-burning (excuse me, fat-BLASTING) yoga video by psychoqueen herself, Denise Austen. That lady is CRA-ZEE ("FEEEEL your yoga body!"). It's virtually impossible to have good form going at that speed, and some of her backup dancers were *totally* not using good form at all - it made me cringe. I guess that makes me a Yoga Snob.

I was a patient, present, and forgiving mom when my son told me, last night at 5:45 p.m., that he didn't have a lunch box. What?!?! Well, he'll just have to get over the trauma of using his sister's lunch box with the purple and pink trim. It's mostly black, so he'll be just fine until we get him a new one tonight, after 3 hours of football practice. The coaches *say* they'll only be practicing until 6:00 or 6:30 (they haven't even actually told us the end time yet) and then keep the kids until dark. Grrrr

I also accomplished the food allergy deal - we spent probably 2 hours at the sow-your-___-____ natural food store, scanning every frickin' cracker/cookie/bread/soup/etc. label for the son's allergy triggers. 3 weeks of eating clean and then re-introducing the culprits one by one. What a pain, but if his allergies improve/decrease, then it will be worth it. The daughter is taking salads (yeah! of her own accord! she's tired of sandwiches!), and they both had fruit in their lunchboxes, which were ready last night, amen.

I've taken my vitamin/iron/ginkgo biloba for today.

I've already had two fruits (banana and some strawberries with breakfast) and two veggies (tomato & eggplant that I roasted in the oven with some bulgar wheat), and it's not even lunchtime!

I have leftover eggplant/ricotta pizza (boo, I know) for lunch, along with some salad (mixed greens, yellow/orange peppers, and some cukes), grapes, and more strawberries. Oh, and some carrots.

I'm waiting in fear for my caffeine headache to hit....I've been mostly drinking decaf, so I'm hoping it's not as bad as the normal withdrawals. This is going to be a tough one, folks. I know it wasn't on my resolution list, but it really plays a big component in my sugar spike/crash cycle. *sigh*

My mini-goal for this week is to be patient and leave a lot of time open for getting used to the school/sports schedules again instead of trying to plan every minute of the evening. Cut myself some slack. Be compassionate.

Speaking of which, when I was doing The Wave on Saturday, I actually started tearing up, and then crying. I think it's because I was finally doing something nice for my body, and how I've been abusing/neglecting it. Then I got weepy that night, so maybe it was just PMS. ;-)

It's good to be back on track. Let's keep this train moving!

2006-08-31T10:43:00.000-04:00

IIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hiding out

Yes, that's all you get for your money.

What can I say? I haven't started getting up earlier or working out with yoga dvd's/track. I did walk for 45 minutes this morning at the track, but that's been about it. I swam for a little bit during camping, and proceeded to get mildly stung by blobby little jellyfish. I think the stinging nettle hurt more!

I've also been inhaling junk like it's the last food I'll ever get. Could it be stress over my finals? Having a lot to do before the kids start school again and TOTALLY not feeling like doing ANY of it? Knowing that once school starts, I'm "back on plan"? So unhealthy, and I'm unfortunately teaching my kids that "pig out while it's vacation, 'cause starting next Tuesday, we're eating healthy again!". *sigh*

I miss working out. I miss lifting. I miss having quality alone time. I miss yoga. Perhaps I will miss these things enough to do something about them.

I just got the kids' bus schedules. Daughter is on at 7:10 a.m. Son is on at 8:31. WTF?!?! I could run to the gym in between ;-)

I'm going to miss my morning coffee. Again. I need to get clear on why I'm really doing this...

2006-08-24T10:35:00.000-04:00

Sweet baboo

I heart my bf. He did the camping dishes. Love ya, babe! I don't think he reads this, so he'll just have to accept the cyberenergy instead. If he does read it, he'll be upset that I said "ya" instead of "you" - one of his pet peeves.

I believe that I did just fine on my A&P final, halle-frickin-lujah. The appointment with the relative went much better than I hoped for, so that's nice to have out of my system. I'm still craving evil food, and I'm still tired, but at least my emotions aren't threatening to drown me.

I hope to catch up on rest during camping this weekend, although our air mattress (yeah, we really rough it, let me tell you) may have a slow leak in it, as we ended up on the ground both nights last weekend.

I also hope to catch up on some exercise, at least in the form of swimming/walking at the nearby beach, and I'm sure we'll bring toys to catch/throw/chase.

Of course, I will probably offset that with wobbly pops and too many s'mores, but that's ok.

One more final next week and then I get a mini-break, in which I will get my kids back into school and my eating & exercise back on track, as I strive to acheive my School Year's Resolutions.

I have hope.

2006-08-23T08:46:00.000-04:00

PPbbllttt! (warning: bitchy whiny post ahead)

I feel yucky today. It's my 3rd? 4th? 5th? day of being tired, and I'm starting to wonder if it's the prescription-strength allergy meds they (those evil "they"!) put me on last week to drain my middle tube (?)(I don't remember that from A&P!). It's supposed to be non-drowsy, but I think that the jitter drugs they add to it to keep me from getting drowsy end up ramping my system into overdrive and wiping me out by the end of the day. Hell, by 3:30 sometimes! The meds are doing their job in terms of draining me, but I am not sure if this exhaustion is worth it. I don't feel like eating right or preparing good food or doing the effing dishes piled up not only in my sink but all along the counter (damn camping dishes!) or doing the million-and-one tasks that need to be done because school is startinginlessthantwoweeksandohmygoddessHELP!!!

Can you tell that I'm a little overwhelmed?

This panicky feeling could be abated (?) a bit if I had enough energy to get up to exercise, for heaven's sake, but noooooo.

Geez, what a grouchypants I am today.

Not to mention that I have a therapy appt. this afternoon with the relative that I've been having challenges with, so I'm almost 900% positive that doesn't help my mood/wanting to eat the state of Vermont (all those firs and cows getting stuck between my teeth).

I have to say that I'm proud of at least recognizing that I'm not in a good place. I was driving to work this morning and "realized" that I didn't HAVE to find something yummy-but-not-good-for-me to eat when I got to work in order to not FEEL these yucky crummy FEELINGS anymore. Instead of doughnuts or cookies or whatever, I had a slice of bread w/PB&J for breakfast, which is the healthiest I could do in the moment.

So I was so tired last night that I only read about 2/3 of my A&P workbook. I could tell that I wasn't actually absorbing anything and so put myself in bed. It was the right thing to do. I'll leave a little early today and get to school to review my quizzes and my workbook, and I'll be fine. Then I have my test-out next week in my bodywork class, so I need to review some of the "routines" (for lack of a better word) before then. I'm not sure when that will happen, since we're leaving for camping again Friday afternoon, assuming I actually wash the camping dishes by then!

2006-08-22T08:30:00.000-04:00

Cravings

iportion hit the nail on the head - I am tired and I am craving lousy food. Unfortunately, I'm giving in to those cravings....*sigh* At least I had boston lettuce/tomatoes with my leftover-from-camp-have-to-cook-it cheeseburger, and some corn for fiber, if nothing else. And a lot of chocolate. I know it's not TOM cravings - it's too early.

I passed out for a little while last night when I finally got home - I was zonked. I felt marginally better getting up for dinner but then was back in bed a little after 10:00 (early for me). I didn't even get up to go to the track this morning, so that didn't help the cravings matter, for sure.

For lunch I have lentils/brown rice, swiss chard, a small piece of cucumber. I have a banana and kiwi. Right now, I don't want any of it. I'm not even sure what I *do* want, except maybe a nap. I think the semester is catching up with me!

Tonight we're going out to dinner for mexican, which is usually not a great choice calorie/veggie-wise. I'm not even sure that I am interested in *trying* to choose something healthy, if these cravings don't go away!

I need to drink some water, I think. Maybe a spin around the building, even just 5 minutes (yes, 5!). I need to get into bed at a decent hour, although I need to study for my A&P final, which is tomorrow night. I feel pretty ok about it, since it is multiple choice and I'm usually pretty good at that, but should still review the 11 weeks. I should also get up and walk the track tomorrow morning, get a good start to the day. Wish me luck!

2006-08-21T14:05:00.000-04:00

Quickie

I bet that got your attention!

Back from camping. Got a little, ok, a *lot* soaked but had a great time (except for getting moss under my thumbnail, which I had to scrape out, including a nice chunk of nailbed - ouch!!!). Did some river body surfing/swimming (only hit a few rocks here and there - ouch!) and horizontal treacherous/slippery rock climbing, so I count that as definite activity. Other than a quick 10-minute bike ride, which was almost all downhill, and walking to/from other campsites & the bathroom/general store, didn't do any extended cardio activity. But I got a lot of fresh air, some yummy-but-not-too-healthy camp food (hot dog, cheeseburger, s'mores; we did have some salmon yesterday morning to go with the bacon), and some awesome downtime/family bonding.

So eating wasn't great but I'm not feeling guilty for a change - I enjoyed myself and now it's back to lots of veggies and fruit and beans, oh my. Activity-wise, the son has to be at camp bus by 7:30 so will need to consider getting up for at least 20 minutes (yes, 20 minutes! It's ok, xena! It counts!) at the track and/or 20+ minutes of yoga dvd. You're probably getting tired of hearing this, but apparently I am not - something is better than nothing.

Thanks for the comments on my last post. I don't know when I will actually pencil in sleep time (maybe during work, hahaha!) this fall. I guess I can sleep when I am dead. Seriously, though, I know that proper rest is vital to staying healthy and rebuilding energy/muscles, so I will be keeping a close eye on that too. Thanks for the reminder, Lynne! And Amazon Alanna - I have definitely done a lot of blogging about the exercise that I was going to do, but didn't, so hang in there! Thanks Ms. Belden - I am taking a nice deeep breath (*aaah*) and thankfully reminding myself to be proud of what I am accomplishing - thank you.

One thing I definitely noticed was the difference in energy from eating like I did this weekend vs. "clean" eating...I was sluggish and tired fairly early (I'm sure the imbibing didn't help that at all!)...

2006-08-17T12:14:00.000-04:00

Did it!

Got up and ellipted/lifted at the Y! Granted I snuggled w/bf for waaaay too long and had to do an abbreviated workout, but that is OK. 30 minutes elliptical (I pounded that puppy since I had a shorter workout) and 2 sets instead of 3 on the chest/arms. That's ok. It's better than nothing.
Why is that so hard to believe and take seriously? Somehow my workout is "not enough" because I didn't cross the 45-minute mark on the elliptical or do all 3 sets/full reps. *sigh*

Well, I got my heart rate up for 20+ minutes, and I worked my chest and arms. That's something. That's better than snuggling (welllll, maybe not!) until I had to get up for work.

So, with the new school year ramping up, I've decided to set some

School Year Resolutions

1. Be at patient, present, forgiving mother, both of myself, and of my children. Even if they're still in bed at 7:00 and the bus comes at 7:15. Even if *I'm* still in bed at 7:00 and the bus comes at 7:15.
2. Plan & execute healthy school lunches that take into account my son's allergies. Lunches should include at least 1 fruit and 1 veggie, and limited processed food/sugar.
3. Work out at least 2 days a week for at least 20 minutes of cardio. Yes, TWO days a week, TWENTY minutes minimum only. I'm in school, doing my homework/practice hours, helping the kids with their homework, chaffering to/from football/music/soccer etc. And 20 minutes is better than none!!!
4. Lift at least 2 days a week, alternating body parts (unless I go through with my Plan, which may not be feasible if I'm only doing 2 days/week).
5. Eat at least one vegetable and one fruit per day.
6. Take my multivitamin, iron supplement, and ginkg0 bil0ba every weekday (the weekends would be a bonus!).

Ok, those are reasonable, measurable, achievable, specific. As you can see, I've had to rationalize #3 to death to myself. It's so very hard. And obviously I can work out more often than that. I just know my schedule for school/work/kids (poor bf is in there somewhere), and don't want to set myself up for failure.

I was going to start the resolutions a week early so that I could get my body clock reset to getting up at 6:00, and then found out the Y is closed that week, so will have to make do with the track, my home dumbbells (highest is 8 lbs), and yoga dvds.

Better than nothing!!!

We'll save getting-back-off-coffee-even-though-it's-decaf and not-stopping-for-ice-cream-after-class for another day. I'm off to camp for a few days with the family (see, bf time!) - have a great weekend.

2006-08-16T09:55:00.000-04:00

Compulsion

Lessee - I ellipted & lifted (shoulders/back) on Monday night, yeehaw. Seriously, yee-HAW! I made my swiss chard, which was EFFING delicious - I couldn't believe it. I was totally prepared for it to be bitter or completely raucous (in a bad way), but it was DELISH! Crunchy, nutty, full-tasting. It probably helped that I used a spicy garlic oil to saute it. I had some again last night, left over, and it was *still* yummy! I highly recommend it, as it is tres good for you.

My darling bf almost sliced a finger off trying to cut up the beets, until we realized that we should probably cook them first. Please don't laugh, I had no idea, and the recipe suggestions I had never mentioned cooking *before* slicing (it just said "blah blah blah sliced cooked beets blah blah blah" - so helpful). And I cooked up my zucchini and squash, also so tasty!!!

I also tried a lentils-n-rice recipe in my rice cooker, based on a suggestion I found on Fatfree Vegan Kitchen - I can't remember how I made it there. Goddess bless the internet! Anyway, I am always interested in easy ways to make beans, and this couldn't be easier. I was hesitant about using the rice cooker for anything but rice (no oil, no spices), but this made me a believer. It is a pretty mild dish, so I would probably add some bouillion for flavor next time.

I have found that I'm leaning more & more towards a vegetarian, even vegan-type diet (although I can't see myself giving up ice cream anytime soon!). I don't know if it's a combination of the health issues that are discussed at length amidst my anatomy & physiology learnings/text, the lifestyle of a massage therapist (many seem to take uber care of themselves and be more "earthy crunchy" - of course I am generalizing here big-time), the need for my son to get away from dairy etc., or just the general thoughts of mad cow disease and the way that animals are raised for slaughter in the U.S. (I generally try to get organic chicken anyway), but I am finding myself turned off by animal protein, even fish. I doubt I'll be 100% but I have been eating more beans and less animal protein these days (of course, I don't think BAGBunny ever thought she would be there either, but look at her now!). And lots more veggies & fruit too!

Getting back to the title of my post...last night I brought the veggie/bean meal for dinner at school, which I don't normally do (I bring cheese & granola bar, or something light like that) - I have found out that I am usually so fricking hungry when I leave that I'm 1000x more likely to give in to stopping at the ice cream place or meatlover's fast food after class is over, when it's past 10:00 at night - bad idea. Anyway, I had the meal around 7:00, and it was scrumptious. However, by 9:30 I was hungry again (damn!) and debating what I could stop and get. *sigh* I ended up at DQ with an ice cream/smooshies. That's where the compulsion comes in. I could have gone home and had more veggies/beans, or something else better-for-me than ice cream, but I *had* to have it once I thought of it. Rebellious teen? Whiny toddler? What did I want? Was I truly just hungry, or was it something else? I just don't know.

It could be that I am a little more hungry because I have been working out again. It could be that I need to bring a bigger serving of the veggies & beans. Maybe I didn't get enough calories yesterday. I won't know the answer to that if I'm not tracking my food, which I haven't been doing regularly. I was also quite tired, and actually dropped off while I was resting in my seat before class started. I can tell you that that is *so* unlike me. I'm really thinking it's the working out.

Speaking of which, I didn't do anything yesterday, and then planned to get up this morning but a repair person was coming and the bf had to leave for work early so I couldn't go to the gym or track or whatever. I guess I could have done a yoga dvd, if I had thought about it. So my plan is to get up tomorrow morning and either gym-it or track-it. Friday we're heading off for camping so am anticipating some fun movement there. Not that the gym isn't fun, it really is. I'm a sick puppy, eh?

*Update: note: sorry for being a dunderhead - just turned comments on, whoops!*

2006-08-14T09:47:00.000-04:00

I heart fresh farm veggies!

I made it to the farm stand! Via bike! Yea-hoo. I was worried for it happening since I was passed out on my couch early afternoon. I tried to sleep in but couldn't get back to sleep past 8:00 a.m., boohoo. So I got up, did a few things, did my sister's session, then was so drowsy (see: indulging in naughty pastries, which will explain why I didn't have a lot of energy) that I laid down on the couch and dozed for an hour or so. Actually, it was quite lovely, and fit in well with the theme of "enjoying this summer, dammit!". It was almost chilly, which made the snuggly blanket that much cozier. I know the cold wave won't last, but I am soooo enjoying it!

So I am pretty sure the bike ride wasn't more than 4 miles roundtrip, but there are some challenging hills (I was *flying* on the way back, and only had to pedal a couple of times, so that should indicate how the hill was going to the farm stand), plus we stopped at the house of a person-that-I-know-through-work, who showed us around his old house (low ceilings, boxy compartment rooms - very cool) and then the cemetery chapel (since he is on the board of directors for the well-known garden cemetery, and lives directly across from the gates) - gorgeous! The bf & I then biked around the cemetery, and stopped at an old stone bridge with a gazillion cute little frogs in the pond underneath, and had our fresh strawberries. Delish.

We got some salad stuff - fresh-picked boston lettuce, cucumber, and a gorgeous tomato that smelled devine (har har). Some honest-to-goodness carrots with the greens still on top (I can't even tell you the last time I had a "real" carrot vs. the baby carrots I usually get). Swiss chard (I love the internet, and will find a bunch of recipes to make it, I'm sure!). Some beets with a little dirt still on them (I have a few recipes in mind that I'd like to try - the only beets in my eating memory came from the cold beet soup that my lithuanian-descended-grandmother used to make - yum!). The strawberries. A bright red pepper. The requisite summer squash and zucchini. An adorable little purple eggplant. *ahhhhhh*

Unfortunately I got distracted by a trashy romance novel that a friend had given me, and didn't get to prepare any of the veggies for my lunch, so that is my goal for tonight. I had to get breakfast at the cafe since I was running late, so had bacon/egg/cheese on pumpernickel for breakfast. Whoops! I do have some plums, and a granola bar, and some yogurt in the fridge, but I'll have to buy lunch. *No* french fries today!

Then to the Y tonight for some more ellipting, and my shoulders/back. I can't believe (yet can believe) how sore my pecs and triceps are - I love it!

2006-08-13T09:54:00.000-04:00

Cautiously optimistic

I worked out again yesterday (woohoo!) and walked around the track Friday for 35 minutes. Yesterday the bf & I walked to/from the Y (probably only 2 miles total), and I hopped on a recumbent bike, which sucks ass in terms of getting my heart rate up (I need to crank it all the way up if I ever do it again) then lifted chest/arms. I can feel it today! We also walked to the local DD, and I indulged in my craving for a chocolate-covered coffee roll, which probably has about 900 calories. Unfortunately I also gave in to that urge today. Hey, at least I walked. I counted my steps, since I have no idea what the mileage might be, and it was not much (1000? round trip).

As per my usual OCD ways, I'm freaking out about the fall, returning to school, starting up football/soccer/homework/music lessons etc., and working around my son's food allergies. I know if I don't start planning it now, I won't have time to search out the stuff he can have until, maybe, next spring?!

I also want to get a routine going for exercise so that I can get up in the mornings to get to the gym once school starts again, as the daughter needs to be out at the bus stop by 7:15. If I wait to set the habit until after labor day, it most likely won't happen.

I have enjoyed the weekend, spending quality time with the bf while also doing the laundry mountain and catching up on my homework. I only need 4.5 more practice hours and I'm done for the semester, WOOHOO!!!!! I had two scheduled for this morning, but they canceled due to illness; I have my sister this P.M. and will probably torture my bf for another 1.5 hours and be down to 2...

My exercise plan for today is to bike to the local farm stand and find some veggies to then return home & cook for the week, since I have double class for a total of 3 nights of classes, and then we're taking off early Friday to go camping with the kids and bf's brother/family.

I am happy to report that I feel much more normal and human this summer, which was a goal of mine based on my experience last summer (worked all kinds of crazy hours, hardly saw my bf/kids/outdoors, and then got a really crappy bonus and no acknowledgment in thanks) - I refused to do it again, and decided to get outside and to the beach as much as possible. *aaah*

2006-08-11T10:04:00.000-04:00

No autographs, please - just throw money

drumroll please....I finally worked out last night! Yippee skippee! According to my training log, I hadn't lifted in almost a month. Yeesh. I have to say that doing my "100 Things" really brought me back to loving myself and recognizing the good things about me - and dammit, people like me!

I ellipted for 35 minutes, and was definitely huffing/puffing a bit at the almost-stair-climbing setting. It felt good to be sweating due to exercising, not due to walking to/from my car to drive to work each day. I lifted back/shoulders, and could tell that I hadn't lifted in a month.

I've been considering going to high weight/low rep with a multi-exercise-in-one (squats, deadlifts). The article that talks about it is here. Of course, that would mean I would have to *learn* how to do something new, which would take extra time. In the long run, it could be a great timesaver, though! I'm worried about my knees and my back (thank you, FitJulie) - the article addresses form quite thoroughly, and I'm usually hypervigilant about my lifting form anyway, so I should be ok.

It would also mean that I need to be more consistent with lifting! I'm considering taking another class at school because I've heard it's easy-peesy-miss-louisey and it's only 6 weeks, but that means another night down (until November) that I won't have time to do homework, cook/keep my house in order, do practice sessions, exercise, gaze upon my loved ones' faces, etc. Of course, it will keep me on goal to finish school by next May, and the course schedule for the spring semester won't be out until October or November, so I will have no idea if I would be able to even take this easy class at the time it's offered in the spring.

What it's coming down to is that I seriously need to get my arse out of bed in the mornings to get to the gym, and that's how it has to run, or it ain't gonna fly. The other piece of that is the good food, so I am also going to need to plan and execute in a routine manner. A little fly in that ointment is that my son was diagnosed with some food allergies - some mild, some stronger (none life-threatening, thank goddess) - peanut, tomato, and (low) corn & soy. Gee, that really narrows things right the eff down, doesn't it?! Plus he has an oral reaction to most fruit skins, and probably has a mild allergy to dairy. I have my mommy work cut out for me - I went through this about 5 years ago with him/corn syrup and had done pretty well cutting that out, but the !#$%^ stuff is in *everything*! I know I can find stuff, especially since we have a natural foods chain store in town, but it will take some time, which is going to become very precious the first two months of school/soccer/football/my own school/music lessons etc.

*sigh*

I know what I'll be doing the last week of August!!!

2006-08-09T16:14:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Michelle, who suggested that I should do this to celebrate my 100th posting:

The Traditional 100 Things About Me

1. I'm not very traditional.
2. I am very much in love with my two beautiful, smart, gorgeous children.
3. I am also very much in love with my beauhunk boyfriend, my sweet baboo.
4. I can play the piano, electric bass, kazoo, mellophone (think of an upright french horn - sorry if I offended any horn players), assorted percussion equipment, and marimba, xylophone, and bells.
5. I am studying to be a massage therapist, and plan to be fully licensed and operational by this time next year!
6. I was born in the midwest, and despite being raised in the northeast, still pronounce my "r's".
7. I love love love chocolate.
8. I heart ice cream big-time as well, especially with smooshies.
9. I love the ocean; I'm a big fan of any sort of water bodies, moving or no.
10. My major in college was environmental science.
11. I'm a tree-hugger.
12. I have a black belt in karate. Asah!
13. My left eye is lighter than my right eye.
14. I have a love/hate relationship with the mole on my cheek. My mother always called it a "beauty mark", but I haven't ever really agreed.
15. I spend waaay too much discretionary income at j jill, and my daughter has to forcibly pull me away from the workout clothes section of any department store.
16. I love to weight-lift.
17. I've considered training for an amateur women's bodybuilding contest, but probably never will.
18. I've completed a mini-triathalon in 2:01:something seconds.
19. I've been married once.
20. I get along better with my ex-husband's (was-been) wife than I do with him.
21. I truly enjoy camping. In a tent.
22. Despite #21, I have definitely lusted after pop-ups and RV's.
23. I don't know how to fish.
24. I've learned 3 different scout ways to make a fire. I haven't actually put that knowledge to use. Yet.
25. I wanted to be a brownie when I was little, but can't remember why I wasn't able to do so.
26. I took 11 years of classical piano lessons. I only wanted to quit once or twice, and I'm mostly glad that my parents didn't let me quit.
27. I used to dream of being a rock star when I was a kid, and would sing and perform in front of the mirror in my bedroom.
28. I also used to think I was Tinkerbell. I only tried jumping off the top bunk once to see if I could fly.
29. Despite #28, I've never had any broken bones.
30. I did have a c-section with my daughter, and a VBAC with my son. I was very proud of this "accomplishment".
31. I never realized my athletic abilities when I was a kid. That's sad.
32. When someone said I was an athlete (due to my karate training), I had trouble agreeing with that term. Me? An athlete? Puh-leeze.
33. I long for world peace, and logically know that it's just not possible. This makes me sad.
34. Politics and rabble-rousing in this arena make me uncomfortable.
35. I think the closest I ever got to political action was "hands across the campus" at college.
36. I took several women's studies classes at college. The political side of it all made me uncomfortable. I think our girls have it tougher than we did, somehow.
37. I take pride in my muscles - the way they look when I've been lifting regularly, the way they feel, how they flex, how they perform actions.
38. I had to cycle 15 miles in under 64 minutes for one of the tests for my black belt; the terrain was undulating and had some challenging hills. I was so proud when I finally broke the time.
39. My favorite things about the midwest were the friendly people, the ribs, and the chicago hot dogs. And Ryne Sandberg.
40. My favorite things about the northeast far outnumber my favorite things about the midwest. The ocean, the mountains, the foliage, the cul-chah, skiing, swimming, hiking.
41. I wish that I could transplant the friendly midwestern personality into some of these northeasterners.
42. I can drive in bah-ston and new yawk with the best of 'em. Grrrr!
43. My bf claims that I turn into a different person when I get behind the wheel. I have to agree with him.
44. I realized that I should probably tone down my verbal driving skillz when my kids started pre-emptively yelling at the other drivers.
45. I dislike rudeness.
46. I dislike self-centeredness.
47. I wish that I could protect my kids from all the scary harmful real-world atrocities, but I know that I can't. *sigh*
48. My bf thinks I own too many shoes and the clothes aren't far behind. I never had a Fall/Winter and Spring/Summer wardrobe until I started working in the Corporate World. Sor-RY!
49. I can't wait to downsize my corporate wardrobe when I become a full-time bodyworker!!!
50. In some ways, I wish I had not waited 10+ years to study massage/bodywork. Water under the bridge at this point.
51. I can't believe how much I love doing bodywork. It truly is therapy for me as well as the client!
52. I love yoga. I wish I did it more these days. I loved going 2,3,4 times/week. I wonder sometimes if I will become a teacher down the road.
53. I would like to incorporate more meditation into my daily life. It's so incredibly centering.
54. Someday I would like to go gliding (paragliding? I can't think of the name).
55. I used to be able to remember things and never needed lists. Now I can't get by without them.
56. Someday I would like to climb Macchu Pichu (spelling?). For this I will need to get over my claustrophobia, which makes it damn near impossible to get on a plane anymore. That makes me very sad and also angry.
57. I don't like feeling weak.
58. I took ballet/tap when I was younger. I loved ballet more because I could be more like a delicate flower. I don't know what the hell happened to me :-)
59. I love to be in nature. Hiking in the woods is one of the most spiritual things ever.
60. I enjoy being by myself. I've never felt alone in my own company. If I don't get regular "xena" time, I get grouchy.
61. I hope that I can teach my children the same gift. Everyone will have times in their life where being your own best friend is key.
62. I've been catholic, baptist, congregationalist; if I had to choose one, I'd probably choose unitarian.
63. I have nicely-shaped feet, and ears. I take pleasure in my broad shoulders and strong back.
64. I have a nice badonkadonk, if I don't say so myself.
65. I have nice eyes. Shit-brown. I should wear contacts to show them off.
66. I'm lazy when it comes to my appearance. I have a haircut that allows me to comb and airdry. I hardly wear makeup, and when I do it's usually just eyeliner and shadow.
67. I love my funky jewelry. I guess in that sense I'm not as lazy, and perhaps it makes up (har har) for the lack of makeup.
68. I believe in natural beauty, which probably explains #65, #66, and #67. But not #48!
69. Mmmm...69.
70. As I get older, I'm much more likely to speak my mind. This does not always make friends. Tough cookies.
71. I am a music lover, but not a junky. I love almost all kinds. My love for pop drives the bf batty. Tough cookies.
72. I LOVE dancing! I need a dancing fix every once in awhile to keep me sane.
73. I took bellydancing for a spell. It was mucho fun-o. My bf especially enjoyed it. Pervy!
74. I am an excellent merengue dancer. For a gringa, that is.
75. I cut out a lot of recipes that I just never make. Good intentions and all that. When I have the proper time, I do enjoy cooking, otherwise it annoys the hell out of me.
76. I love swimming, and hiking, and walking, and ellipting. I enjoy biking (mostly mountain biking), rollerblading, skiing, cross-country skiing, tai chi, softball, catch (softball and football).
77. I love how I feel when I'm exercising regularly and eating clean.
78. I don't like emotional eating, anxious eating, boredom eating, and it frustrates me that I do them and can't seem to get a hold of them.
79. Blogging has been one of the best weight-loss tools in my arsenal. I love reading other blogs, and writing my own. I love the encouragement and the comraderie, and the feeling of "I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!" and the reassurance that our battles are often similar.
80. I believe we are all connected to one another on a level that cannot be seen or heard. This makes me happy.
81. Despite #80, sometimes I feel disconnected because I am different. I usually travel outside of the herd, so to speak. I guess one of my elementary school teachers told my parents that I march to the beat of a different drummer. Damn straight!
82. I think that I would be very unfulfilled if I didn't have the following things in my life: my children, my health, my sweetie, music, chocolate, movement.
83. I miss marching band, and would love to join a "senior" drum corps sometime.
84. I plan to drive cross-country someday. I can't wait to see Oregon.
85. I love to read, and do not have enough time to do so. I read voraciously as a child/teen - it was a big part of my formative years.
86. I love trashy romance novels. Sometimes I've stayed up almost all night reading them. I have my grandmother to thank for this, who gave me a big box her 50's harlequin romances (so chaste and pure) when I was about 15. They have to be good quality, though - the poorly written ones make me cringe.
87. I don't like ignorant people.
88. The real Xena would show up to work in combat boots, spiky jet black hair, all earring holes in use, and some goth outfit. Why didn't Hot Topix exist when *I* was a punk teen???
89. Piercings? Only in my ears - 4 in my right, 3 in my left. Corporate World does not approve of filling any more than one on each side. So sad.
90. Tattoos? Not yet, maybe not ever. I think I would have a hard time choosing a design. The yin/yang is so overdone, but it's such a great symbol. Tink in one of her typical ho poses?
91. Crushes from childhood on: Shaun Cassidy, Bo Duke, David Soul (Hutch), The Police, Andrew McCarthy (his chin is so WEAK!), The Damned (Dave Vanian....sigh...), Brendan Frasier (George of the Jungle phase)(I licked a movie poster of his abs and a young girl was like "look, Mommy, that lady is licking the poster!!!), Christopher Walken, John Cusack (until I learned that he was ashamed of Better Off Dead, which really brought him down in my book).
92. What a year - I eloped, graduated from college, and got my first "real" job in an environmental lab.
93. I feel fortunate that my family is around for my kids (and for me), even if they drive me nuts sometimes. I grew up with all of my grandparents, aunts/uncles/cousins in the midwest and only saw them every other year or so.
94. Someday I want to own a house in the woods with a stream in the backyard and an inground pool. I would also love to own a house on the ocean, but don't have that kind of do-re-mi.
95. I often worry that I am doing a good job as mommy. I always feel blessed when my kids show me that I'm doing a good job by their actions and statements. I have great kids.
96. I wish that I could fly.
97. I seem to be an Eagle Scout magnet. The grown-up Eagle Scouts, not the fresh ones.
98. I want to be cremated and scattered on the ocean or on a river when I die.
99. I love the moon and all its cycles - I'm a Cancer, so that's not a big surprise.
100. I can't believe how good this made me feel - I am very blessed!!! I need to focus on the positives and be loving to myself.

Thanks for the great idea, Michelle!

2006-08-09T10:06:00.000-04:00

The BIG One-Oh-Oh!!!

My 100th posting, how thrilling! Who knew I had so much to blah blah blah about?

It's been 8 months, and a current total of 17 pounds lost (it was better about 3 months ago - like 23 pounds!) since I started working out again regularly in November '05. Not bad, not bad. I'm sad it isn't currently 23 total, but I know very well why that is.

It was scary to see the needle on the scale so close to 180 today. *sigh* I do feel very feminine and sexy today, and I know that confidence makes a big difference in my perception of how I "look". I know there were days at 173 that I didn't feel so confident and sexy, and days at 196 (well, probably not *that* many) where I felt terrific! It's a very interesting concept.

Didn't get up to exercise today, but had a late night session with the bf *wink* I'm sure some calories were burned! Also, the mini-freakout of finding the (probably same) goddamn mouse sitting inside our empty trash can - aiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

My eating was definitely better yesterday. Clean kitchen = clean eating, I guess. That fits in with my typical pattern.

After reading Beth's post about her 3-day walk (woohoo, girl!), my current lack of exercise seems doubly pitiful. I'm not going to beat myself up about it - I just need to *do* something about it!

Current plan: the Y tomorrow night and hopefully Friday night, although dropping daughter off at dad's so that involves at least 90 minutes round trip, usually more. Saturday and Sunday have plenty of open time to catch up on homework and get some serious sweat in.

Food? Shredded some-kind-of-grain & 7-grain stuff w/almond milk. Currently nursing a mostly-decaf coffee (boo hiss!). Have a mango, some salad stuff for lunch (will need to buy some protein at the cafe); a yogurt (soy, boo hiss!), granola bar, cheese wheel, and an organic burrito for snacks/school dinner. That's a good xena. Goooood xeeeena! Happy 100.

2006-08-08T08:58:00.000-04:00

But I don't WANNA post!

Yes, I'm hiding out, can you tell?

In this case, no news is bad news. It could be a lot worse, yes. At least I got the fridge cleaned out (heinosity, for sure). It looks rather sad now, a lone bunch of broccoli and one on-the-verge-of-withering orange pepper. Some unopened hummous, and scattered cheese wheels. A newly-purchased container of almond milk, since my herbalism teacher has me freaked out about soy now (too much estrogen, combined with too much plastic-which-mimics-estrogen). I won't cut it out completely, but I will have to rethink my current love of all things soy.

Speaking of good food & prepping, I had to smile at Lainey's post about needing more hours in the day to get all the things done that make our lives work, and where in the hell do we fit in exercise and eating right?! Great question. I guess we do stay up until midnight and work our schedule around it, trying to fit it in where we can. I totally agree with the advice on making it a non-negotiable part of your daily schedule, an appointment that must not be cancelled (unless you're on your deathbed). I haven't been doing that, and therefore have not been exercising.

I have been pretty tired these past several nights, which is a welcome change from the nervous anxiety energy that I had for awhile. It doesn't help me get my homework done, though. In fact, this is the first week of school that I have not read ahead for anatomy/physiology. I find it much easier to understand the lecture if I've read the material ahead of time. I'm not sure the other students do that, but I don't really care what they are/are not doing. I know what works for me. Technically I am not behind, but I think it would be more beneficial for me to have read it. Ah well. I have two more weeks of lecture and then the final, so this weekend will be dedicated to catching up.

Had a brief chat with the bf about planning some healthy meals, and then actually cooking them. He agreed, but I know I'll have to push the issue to get it done. He's good about helping when I make specific requests, and I know this wasn't quite specific enough.

I have veggies and some frozen organic burritos for lunch/school snacks, plus the aforementioned hummous etc. I have an almost-empty refrigerator so that I can get some more veggies etc., but I do need to plan what I/bf will make for meals. I could get up tomorrow to work out, even if it's just walking at the track. Will be able to make it to the Y on Thursday and maybe Friday, and need to plan some exercise for the weekend, whether it's outside or at the Y.

I will deal with the need for emotional eating when it arises, which probably won't take long, given my recent habits. Still need to figure out what is going on there!

2006-08-04T09:42:00.000-04:00

Zzzzzz

Went to drive-in last night w/bf & son, so much fun! Double header, so we didn't get home until 2 o'frickin'clock. I am quite tired, and feel bad for my son, who has camp all day. Thankfully it's much cooler today so at least the heat won't beat him down. He's generally quite good-natured, so I know he'll do fine, and we agreed that we wouldn't have the grumpies today if we stayed last night. I was impressed that he wanted to stay and also that he stayed awake for both movies!

Umm, do I have to talk about my food choices? *sigh* All righty then. Summary: not good. We went south of ze bord3r, and also had ice cream. And wobbly pops and coffin nails. Oh, and don't forget the movie chocolate. I walked to the concession stand twice - does that count for my exercise? No? Didn't think so.

SO, I don't know why I continue to act like I can just fix it all tomorrow, I'll start eating better tomorrow, exercising tomorrow, and tomorrow just keeps moving ahead by another day. I have to say that if I didn't have this blog, I believe I would be in a much worse place right now, so I am very thankful to post here for my own accountability, even if it ain't purty.

I don't even want to get on the scale right now - I must be getting close to 180. It's so disappointing, but I am very clear how it happened. It doesn't have to continue this way. It's one thing to plan until I'm blue in the face, which I am VERY talented at, so if you ever need someone to plan & organize for you, I'm your gal. Execution is another thing entirely. I have peaches going soft and vegetables decomposing in my fridge. Yeah, I bought 'em to eat. Good intentions and all that.

What am I so afraid of, so anxious about? Am I overwhelmed with my current schedule? I know it's short-term, relatively speaking, and a year from now I will have my massage certification and license and be successfully practicing full-time, with an evergrowing client list, and not starving to death or being on the verge of eviction or a big fat failure. Well, I suppose I could be fat, but I won't be a failure. I must be hitting a nerve here because there's a big lump in my throat. Why why why do I return to these unhealthy behaviors? I'm not escaping anything by eating myself into submission/numbness.

Sure, I can still be a fine massage therapist/bodyworker with my current behaviors. I certainly won't be the *best* therapist that I *could* be, though. The healthy food and regular exercise, including yoga, provides the solid energy foundation that I need to do the work well. The caffeine, sugar, nicotine, fat are definite energy blocks/drains. I love the way that my body feels when I am lifting/exercising regularly and eating right. I have amazing, clean-feeling (vs. jittery/anxious) energy and vitality. I *glow*, baby, and I flow. I know the physical demands of doing massage are easier when I am strong and energetic, and I am less likely to injure myself, given the repetitive demands of the work. I feel like a better role model for my clients - how can I encourage *them* to take good care of themselves if I'm not doing the same???

Wow, I don't know where that all came from! I certainly have not been giving myself much space to work these thoughts out lately, so I imagine that contributes to my overall feelings of anxiety and panic - eat something quick! And keep going! I haven't had much quiet xena time lately - I don't quite have that luxury for the time being. Exercise (even though I usually listen to music when I ellipt) is a great time for xena time. Walking at the track is great quiet, thoughtful xena time. It doesn't have to be 45 minutes if that doesn't work right now - 20 is ok. That's so hard to write. 20. Is. OK. Take what you can get, girl. It will serve you ten times better than taking nothing at all. Stuffing it down isn't going to get rid of it - remember how, on the other side of the emotional wave, it is never as bad as you thought it was going to be? Sure, it's not fun to be on the top of the wave, but it never lasts long, and when it's over, you always always always feel better. Stronger. Human.

Nice to talk to you like this - don't be a stranger. Love, Little Xena

2006-08-03T16:25:00.000-04:00

Hot diggety dog

This weather blows chunks. I know we haven't had it anywhere near as bad as the rest of the country, but if we have to put up with crazy winters etc. then summer should be the payoff, yes?

Had the day off yesterday with the daughter, who ended up having a fever and headache (do they PLAN these sort of things), so we went to my mom's, who has year-round air conditioning. It was blissful. I took the opportunity to work out on her elliptical, and lift some wimpy weights (the highest dumbbells she has are 5-pounders, and I wasn't in any mood to figure out her 2300-exercises-in-one universal to do modified shoulder/back stuff.

Food-wise? Don't ask. Not very proud of my eating, yet somehow that hasn't been enough to stop me from doing it. Slowly creeping back towards coffee, haven't had many veggies lately, eating too much chocolate etc.

Could potentially go to the Y tonight, since it's air-conditioned and I don't have other plans other than homework, maybe the son could swim (daughter is at grandma's tonight). Tomorrow night is scout camp family bbq and bonfire, which precludes working out then; Saturday is beach-time for our work party, so will get some walking to/from beach & picnic site and swimming. Sunday is class allllll day, so nothing there.

See, I know that I could get up early and make it work if I truly wanted to, so apparently I do not. I'm a big believer in not making excuses to myself around things that I know I could get done, if the will was there.

I'm also trying to be gentle and compassionate with myself, another struggle for me. I think I should be able to work full-time and go to school almost full-time (2.5 classes) and get all my homework and practice hours in and be a good girlfriend/mommy/friend to my women friends, and somehow work in time for MYSELF. Oh yeah - and exercise and eat right. *sigh* No wonder I'm feeling a little anxious...

2006-08-01T10:12:00.000-04:00

Status quo

First I wanted to thank Renee for adding me to her fitroll, yippee!

The kids are home, so have been doing that juggling act again. We had haircuts last night, so dinner was at the local house o'pizza. I may not be eating well, but I've recaptured the notion of stopping when I feel (80%) full. Even if it's full of garbage, heh heh.

The weekend was not stellar for exercise - I helped my gf move on Saturday so did some scattered stairs, carrying stuff, etc., but nothing consistent to get my heart rate up. We started drinking fairly early too ;-)

Sunday I did walk the track for 30 minutes, and went grocery shopping for the first time in weeks, so there are fruit (been lovin' the apricots!) and veggies. Haven't been bringing my lunch, though, so it's cafeteria-city, and have been trying to get veggies included there.

No food for school tonight either....I do have granola bars and cheese and a yogurt, so I suppose that will do.

Only 3 weeks of school left, so I plan to get my arse in gear this weekend in terms of moving it again and eating well. I'm not feeling as anxious as I was, but still having pretty vivid dreams. I need to start writing them down to see if there are any patterns there...

2006-07-28T09:49:00.000-04:00

Another week bites the dust

It's certainly been interesting, to say the least. I look forward to a better week next week. I did walk last night at the (REALLY FRICKIN' HOT ASPHALT) track last night for 45 minutes. It was quite hot and humid, and I was sweaty and thirsty when I finished. Then I went home and journalled. I didn't have any ephiphanies or anything, but it was good to acknowledge on paper what was going on with me.

I did have not one, but TWO chocolate bars before I left work, plus a mocha coffee. No dinner since I wasn't hungry after my walk, although I did have a lovely peach. After my session I had a wild grape-flavored wobbly pop and a clove. I can't keep doing this.

Homework tonight and then I get the kids; tomorrow I have a session, then more homework, then helping my girlfriend move, so there's some exercise at least. I hope for a Y visit on Sunday, especially since it is supposed to be very hot this w/e (don't want to exercise outdoors). The food issue is the bigger problem here, so I need to plan and execute.

2006-07-27T11:19:00.000-04:00

Stuart Little

We had a little visitor last night while I was at school. The bf found a (probably adorable little) mouse on top of one of the water jugs in our pantry. It's a good thing I wasn't home, otherwise I would have done, for the second time in my life, my interpretation of the lady from the Tom & Jerry cartoons, up on a chair clutching a broom screaming my fool head off. The first time I had a broom because we were trying to sweep the little offender into a paper bag to bring it outside (so it could turn around and come back in the next night, I'm sure), and it jumped about 3 feet onto the floor and skittered across, which led to me leaping onto the nearest elevated surface, shrieking away. I'm such a girl sometimes.

I'm not sure why he decided to visit, since it's incredibly hot right now - usually he visits in the fall or spring, when the temp outside gets cold or he wakes up from hibernation or whatever (hey, I'm taking *human* anatomy & physiology!). Our downstairs neighbors have 2 cats, so clearly I need to write a little note chastising them for not doing their job!

I ended up sleeping on the couch since Stuart had decided to scramble into my bedroom to escape my scary bf. Not very comfortable. Didn't get up for walkies today either.

Didn't have a healthy dinner (ice cream w/smooshies - got the smallest size, but it was still a large portion of ice cream. Damn you, american serving sizes!). Nor a healthy breakfast (french toast "branches" with hash "tans" from the royalty of hamburg). *sigh* I don't even know why I'm writing. I guess to stay honest and stay with the process until I can figure it out a little better than I could before, same cycle, over and over, hopefully moving in the forward direction.

I think some journalling would be healthy, and definitely a walk. That's my plan for tonight before I have my practice session.

2006-07-26T11:06:00.000-04:00

Ayuh.

Still here, still alive, haven't fallen face-first into a bowl of chocolate mousse. Yet.

*sigh* I'm pretty frickin' tired of the struggle this week, this day. Feelings of sadness again (I haven't picked up on the fact that I haven't seen my kids in almost three weeks as perhaps being a small part of this sadness - I get them back friday night, woohoo!). Had a blowout with my sister during our camping trip over the same old shit, triggering all kinds of family drama from thirty years past. *blah* The good news is that we resolved it in a record-breaking couple of hours, vs. days or weeks or months. Amen, people! I was able to surf the dadgummed waves of emotion and let it go. Have been rather exhausted since then.

Still having crazy vivid dreams and waking up tired, with my shoulders scrunched towards my ears. WTF?!?!

Lessee - exercise? Hmm. None on Friday as planned - passed out on the bed until bf came home after 10 p.m. with a very late dinner. Saturday was busy giving sessions and shopping for new massage linens and food for camping. Sunday was camping, which equaled much drinking and waaay too many clove ciggies, and included a sweet midnight stroll to the river. It was partly cloudy so not much star-gazing, but when it finally cleared it was *fucking* amazing!!!! Monday was the blowout, so my emotions got quite the workout, and my body felt the resulting letdown; we did some hiking but it was pretty casual. Yesterday/today I had/have school. I need to start up some exercise more regularly, but have the kids back for all next week so will probably have to start up the week of 8/7. Not to say I can't do *something* between now & then!

I've been getting inspired by Lose The Buddha, which led me to Athena and an amazing workout tracksheet. Wow. I love this kind of shit. Maybe it will actually get me off my ass!!!

Yeah, right.

Foodwise I've been ok, I guess. Haven't stocked up on the fruits/veggies so am suffering a bit, although I do have cherries left over from camping. Had leftover corn chowda for breakfast - lots of fat, I'm sure, but it was at least satisfying. I'm on this "hot food = happy tummy" kick lately, despite the heat outside. It's weird. It's also pretty cold in my office, so my body probably doesn't know what the hell is going on. I didn't compulsively buy any fastfood or ice cream after class last night, although I did have a smoke. *sigh* I definitely drank more than I ate during camping, which may/may not be a bad thing.

Hovering around 177 these days. Could be worse. Could be better. Like my zen attitude?

Workout forecast: today - not likely. Maybe a walkie in the morning; giving a session tomorrow night. Friday - also not likely, unless I get up in the morning early; have to get the kids (yeah!) after work. Saturday - also not likely as I am giving at least one session and doing homework, although I should get outside with the kids. Helping a girlfriend move on Saturday night/Sunday.

I'm not sounding too motivated here - if I really wanted to get 'er done, I would.

2006-07-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

It continues

Still having anxious eating going on here. I did have veggies/fruit yesterday, so maybe that almost cancels that crap out? Yeah, nice try.

May/may not work out tonight - I have a ton of homework and am leaving sunday morning to go camping with my sister, so won't have time to do it otherwise. I could use the workout, though.

Looking forward to being outside for a couple of days, although there will most likely be drinking/smoking going on too. Not sure on the food front, since it's challenging to preserve some veggies in a cooler. Maybe I can make up some shishkebob with a bunch of veggies, and get some salmon to make in a foil packet. Hmmm...

I'm not very enthusiastic about figuring out the anxiety right now. I'm not sure why not. I guess it is what it is.

Have a great weekend,
Xena

2006-07-19T09:39:00.000-04:00

See-Saw

I'm up, I'm down. I'm good, I'm not-so-good. Can you say "mood swings"? I knew that you could. Can you say "all in the space of one day, or one hour, sometimes"? Yes, it's loopy. I'm struggling with not having junk on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. Last night I had not one, but TWO chocolatey protein "energy" bars in the space of 4 hours, and then a drive-through (not too bad, I guess - small cheeseburger and small fries, but still). I did have my fruit and veggies and beans etc. yesterday as well, but then had 3 (more like 6, since they are rather long) rye crackers w/natural PB before leaving for class, then the bars, then the drive-through at 10:30. Ugh - it was like I hadn't had enough solid, warm food to satisfy me. The beans were warm and solid, and I had veggies & hummous.

I don't know - maybe I'm feeling anxious? I don't know why. I've been having wackadoodle dreams again, which seem to come in waves (I'll go weeks without them; I don't think it's TOM-related, but maybe it is). The eating is definitely more binge-feeling (like I *HAVE* to have it and have it FAST), so there must be other stuff going on that I'm not dealing with. I just don't know what it is.

Thai food for lunch today, and I have salad/hummous/beans for dinner before class. I've run out of fruit so need to stop at the grocery after lunch.

I did walk this morning at the track - very nice morning after all the lousy heat - I think it's supposed to be cooler today (yes, it's that time of year when the 80's feels cool)(the temperature, not the decade). I had a yucky headache all day yesterday; not sure if it was caffeine/sugar withdrawal since I had a half-decaf on Saturday and then a decaf sunday and then a little $tarbuck's cold coffee that they sell in convenience stores.

I also worked out Monday - elliptical (I finally hit 100 miles for 2006!!! Woohoo!!!! I'm probably about 10 miles over that since I don't track my outdoor walking at all) and chest/arms. I couldn't find the 12-lb dumbbells so ended up doing some of it with 15, and boy did I feel it yesterday, and still today! Maybe it's time to crank the weights up a bit, eh?

The horrid scale said that I'm at 178 - ugh!!! I'm hoping it's water retention from the salty food last night, but am more afraid that my vacation eating has finally caught up with me?!

2006-07-17T13:39:00.000-04:00

I feel like a morning starrrrrrr

I did feel pretty good this morning (and little more tired now, but still doing all right). Got the house cleaned up for an in-house massage session tonight (always a good excuse to clean up, and I need that motivation given how frickin' hot it is!), got the bills caught up, laundry caught up, paperwork filed, good food in the fridge, might even be able to get in a Y workout after the session tonight!

The weekend was lovely - the bf/I went to the beach (got eaten alive by greenheads, little em-effers) for a good 10 hours on saturday, had some seafood for din-din. Had class yesterday, which was fun, as we made some medicinal herbal tinctures/glycerides. I learned what it feels like to be stung by a stinging nettle. I can tell you it makes you feel ALIVE! Then we celebrated National Ice Cream Day by having....ice cream! Mine had smooshies, which makes me happy. We did have sushi for dinner, so I got some good protein in as well.

Eating has been so-so, I guess. Today I've had soy cereal/soy milk/banana, the vitamins, chickpea stew, carrots/hummous, soy yogurt w/granola. I worry that I consume too much soy, which can be a challenge with too much estrogen (which I guess plastic also mimics, and I am a big fan of the portable plastic food containers).

I'm very glad that I made up all those beans and froze them up - I have beans for the week, and still more to go! It's a yummy source of protein, and fiber, and probably other good stuff as well. Score one for the xena!

We took a long walk on the beach saturday, probably a round trip of 2 miles on the hard, slanted sand, plus I swam a bit. I ellipted Friday night and lifted shoulders/back. No luck yesterday due to class, but gave the bf a session last night (I don't mean *that* kind of session, poor guy) so there was some activity there. At least I'm maintaining the 175 and not gaining, but I'd love to be back to the low 170's and hit 160's before the summer is through. We shall see what I can plan out for this week. Hopefully the Y tonight, maybe a walkie tomorrow and/or Wednesday mornings. Thursday is out as I'm travelling 45 minutes to do a couple of sessions for friends. Potentially on Friday also. I need to get up in the morning then instead, I guess!

2006-07-14T14:07:00.000-04:00

No judgment

It's really hard to do. I have been having a really shitty "off" week in terms of things just not going right, and have been using food to medicate those feelings of frustration and annoyance. I had to drive to school TWICE to find out there was no class, and one of the nights had me in absolute tears because I drove through detours that brought me into parts of town that I had no idea where I was, and another detour that took 30 MINUTES to go less than a mile. So I drove through these nightmares to find out that class had been CANCELLED. The parking lot was flooded and obviously empty of cars. There were power lines down (I think tornados touched down in the next town over). I was so tempted on the drive home to stop at fast food or ice cream or get chocolate, but I went home instead and had crab rangoon and general tsao's chicken, which is just as bad. Hey, at least there was broccoli. Oh, and like 3 rum/c0kes. And a cigarette. *sigh*

Yesterday/day before I was feeling very sad, and I'm not even sure why??? But I was trying to feel the feelings. Still had chocolate to compensate, and I was craving a w3ndy's chix sandwich (yes, the fried stuff) after class so hunted down one and enjoyed every single goddamned bite. At least I have been eating salad stuff and beans at lunch, and some fruit, so I am getting marginal nutrition. And my past binges have been SO much worse, so I'm getting better.

I did walk the track on Monday, and I walked last night. I also did sessions both of those days, so at least I'm not stagnating and hiding out completely. I plan to go to the Y tonight, and am feeling better, but right now I am planning a treat of some sort, because you know I *have* to have it. bullshit. But I'm fully intending on doing it anyway, so there. I have counselling today, so that should be interesting...

I'm very very very glad that it's Friday, and I'm looking forward to some beach time tomorrow (it's going to be quite hot here for the next few days). Homework tonight/bit tomorrow, class on Sunday. Have a great weekend, and here's hoping next week is better than this one!

2006-07-11T10:05:00.000-04:00

Summer

Had a lovely walk around the track this morning - it was even a little cool when I started, but had heated up quite a bit by the time I was through. The grass and trees are gorgeous and green from all of the rain. I like going to the Y, but I also like exercising outside and reconnecting with nature. It may sound granola-ish but I feel so much more connected and human when I'm surrounded by trees, water, plants.

I woke up with a sinus-y headache and decided to do the walk instead of my previously-planned trip to the Y. It's still lingering, and I took some meds for it, yuck. I wonder if it's the result of my body de-toxing from last week's sugary/fatty goodness. I wouldn't be surprised, since I didn't eat any (except those 2 ginger snaps) refined sugar yesterday, or coffee, or anything.

I did have my practice session last night, so didn't get home until almost 9:00. I was a little hungry but didn't want anything heavy, so had a protein shake w/banana/strawberries/blueberries, and that was just right (except the protein mix has stevia, which I didn't realize when I bought it - blech!). Didn't need to go shopping as the bf had indeed bought salad stuff etc, so that's what I have today, in addition to my defrosting beans and chickpea stew. Have bananas (teeny - they're like 4 inches long!) and cherries and yogurt.

Boy, does it feel good to be back!

2006-07-10T11:41:00.000-04:00

I'm back now

Didn't make it for shopping for better food for this week yet, but had banana/cheese wheel for breakfast and 2 ginger snap cookies so far. No coffee, no chocolate, no fried anythings. Had to take some aspirin but that was probably more due to the imbibing last night. Nothing like fitting in the last little bit of vacation overindulgence!

I did go for a bike ride last night with the bf (his idea, thankfully - I was too wrapped up in homework etc. to think of it), about half-hour with some challenging hills. It felt good to be moving again, even if the hills made me feeling like I was gonna puke. I should ride in to work some morning. It's only about 5 miles, but there are definitely some loooong hills, which are worse than short steep ones.

I had planned to get up for the gym this a.m. but the aforementioned imbimbing put me into bed much too late for that. Whoops. Am trying to figure out if I have a practice session tonight, so if it doesn't pan out, I'll go to the gym instead. And do some shopping, although I think the bf bought veggies the other day so we may be good for a few days, plus I still have soup and beans frozen up in tidy little individual serving plasticware.

I was actually getting tired of the junk food by the end, which is funny to say. I did eat way too much animal protein and often felt full for a couple of hours. YUCK! I don't like that feeling.

I have some pix taped up around my house and at work from the t1tle n1ne catalog of real athletic women doing athletic stuff, which is very inspiring. I wannabe one of them!

2006-07-05T03:55:00.000-04:00

Gluttonfest 2006

Boy oh boy, has vacation eating taken over! Not much exercise either. I've had more booze, clove ciggies, and ice cream (and meat!) in the past 5-6 days than I have in the past 5-6 months, I think! Could be why I've woken up twice this week way early and am in bed early from overdoing it. Right now it's 4:00 in the morning and I've been up for half an hour already. Don't feel like studying or reading or anything school-related. Have only done one hour of practice towards my 2-3 required/week. At least my homework is caught up for now.

I will most likely regret all this when I go back to work next week, but for now I'm enjoying myself and the kids, and being away from a pretty shitty work situation. I suppose the junk food helps keep those thoughts at bay, but it won't serve me well to keep on this path beyond next monday.

The scale was up a bit to 174 but I imagine the lack of fruit/veggies and the overdose of animal protein did that trick.

The bbq with my relative went pretty well, and they wrote in my birthday card that they would like to get our issues resolved, so I guess that's a good sign, and it's so much more than I expected. I think I'm a bit afraid of what the future will bring, and having to talk the issues out. I'm considering asking this person to come to my therapist with me for one of our sessions, since I think it would be more effective than trying to duke it out ourselves, since we've never had the healthiest communication.

And I wonder why I have issues at times???

2006-07-02T12:28:00.000-04:00

Gulp

Going to my pseudo-birthday bbq at my mom's today (happy bday, xena! Well, one more day), and the relative whom I wrote the letter to/emailed me back (and I emailed them on Friday in response, after running a draft by my bf, who is very sensible and supportive and won't let me say things in a nasty way) is going to be there as well - it's a surprise for their Old Number birthday. I'm sure it will be fine, their new significant other will be there so they will most likely be on best behavior. I'm just not exactly looking forward to it. Soldier on, my girl.

Not sure if the junky eating is due partially to that, and partially to "oh goody, I'm on vacation, time to treat myself every meal!!!!". I'm hesitant to list what I've ingested just since 3:30 on Friday, when we started with drinkypoos after work. Hmm, 1/2 cheeseburger w/green leaf lettuce (*whew!*) and tomato, and french fries with mayo, and 2 drinks, then kitt catt bites at the movies, and another drinkypoo and smoke after that; yesterday was cookout time, so another 2/3 burger, lots of bad carb munchies, more imbibing (chocolate b-a-n-a-n-a-martinis!). Hot dog and slushie at pro softball game, and a d0ve icecream bar afterwards. This morning I had choc chip pancakes whilst out to breakfast with my girls, and a small decaf (sigh). The bbq this afternoon. Another on tuesday. Probably a beach trip or two this week.

I need to get some exercise in!!!!

Enjoy the holiday for my stateside friends.

2006-06-29T11:09:00.000-04:00

Backsliding

But not for long! Yesterday was very emotional for me (I heard back from the relative whom I wrote the letter to, and work just really really really sucked), so I guess I should not be surprised that I turned to food. I did ok when I sat down to lunch - I actually wasn't hungry (1 slice ww toast w/mozzarella cheese, 1 egg, and 2 slices of bacon for breakfast, which probably didn't help) and didn't have my food, just some water, but then ended up eating my coworker's piece of garlic bread. And bitching for almost 10 minutes - at least it seemed that long. Not amazingly, I actually felt SO much better after talking about it. Then a couple hours later, I was finally hungry, and had my soy yogurt/soy granola. Then before school, discovered leftover meeting pizza in the kitchen, and had a slice & a half. It did have some artichokes on it, but that was about it. Munched on trail mix on the way to school.

Then I bought a king size pb cup, and ate a cup at a time, in between class and then on the way home. I also had my granola bar and cheese wheel at break. Then I stopped for a small ice cream (m00se tracks, yum!) on the way home, which was now around 10:30 p.m.. *sigh* I guess things could have been worse, but I definitely was very aware of what I was doing and still chose to do it. Progress, I guess.

No big surprise, but the feelings are still there! Why didn't they go away? I'm being very sarcastic here, in case it wasn't obvious. I will not let it spiral into something that lasts 3 days, a week. I'm going on vacation next week (hanging around home with day trips to the beach, woohoo!) so will need to make sure that there is good food around, but we'll probably end up eating out more often. I also would love to get some serious exercise in, even if it's alternative (playing at the beach, hiking, biking, etc). I don't know if I'll be posting much.

I have homemade black beans, salad stuff, just had 2 cute little tasty apricots, soy yogurt, cheese wheels, grapes. I'm hanging in there.

2006-06-27T09:49:00.000-04:00

Ups and downs

I've been doing ok with food, and finally got some exercise. Friday night, elliptical and shoulders/back. Last night, elliptical and chest/arms. Gave 4 polarity sessions on Saturday. Did my yoga tape this morning. Didn't sign up for the yoga pass this time around at the Y since I know my schedule will not work with the classes, but have 3 great yoga tapes/dvd's to use.

The downs include: 2 decaf coffees on Friday, one yesterday. Work has REALLY sucked ass. I visited the vending machine, which I haven't done in a couple of months, and enjoyed myself some pb & chocolate. I am trying to identify if it's due to cravings (not correct TOM), anxiety and anger about work, or what.

I've been eating a lot of fruit and veggies, and made up a bunch of different kinds of beans with cilantro, onion, and chicken bouillion (sp?). I froze up most of it for easy grab-n-go for work/class, and brought a container to last me a few days. I have my salad stuff, hummous & carrots, soy/regular yogurt, granola, granola bars, cheese wheels.

The scale is back down to 173, so woohoo! I'm loving the energy that I have, and the way that work motivates me to push through my homework & practice sessions with a serious drive, staying up late, getting up early. It is ALL worth it!

2006-06-22T16:44:00.000-04:00

How you feeling? Hot hot hot!

Home early due to thought-the-kid-had-chicken-pox-but-it's-just-a-viral-rash, yippee! And boy is it sticky up here on the second floor of our pad. I mean crib. I wouldn't want to date myself by using outdated slang, y'know.

I'm enjoying school, even though it's very time-consuming. I'm loving the practice work. I'm tolerating the A&P stuff, trying to do it from a place of curiousity and love for the work rather than "I hafta". Sometimes that works for me, sometimes not.

Good eating is slowly declining, and I'm not sure what's up. Am I overwhelmed? yes, definitely at times. Am I bored? No. Am I still sick of work? Yes, and that's probably part of it - I'm eating to procrastinate and distract myself. It doesn't help that I haven't gotten my heart rate up, except for the school nurse calling me today. That doesn't count because it only lasted a few minutes instead of 30-45. I shared a blt with the son today, and french fries. Then I had a bar of chocolate. I'm craving ice cream. Any veggies today? Y'mean besides the non-nutritious white lettuce and tomatoes drowing in mayo? Nope. Fruit? Yes, I had an orange. Hoopey-doo.

I plan to work out tomorrow night. Weekend is mostly school stuff, including an all-day class on sunday. Maybe I'll walk with the bf or something nice outside. I haven't been getting much fresh air lately.

2006-06-21T09:50:00.000-04:00

Gotta Go

Work crazy. Food ok. 0re0 cookies in house bad idea (but it's for the KIDS!). No exercise bad. Too much anxiety and emotion, not enough movement. School almost done for kids - waHOO! Scale back up to 175, booHOO! Mailed letter to relative...relief, sadness. Need to go veggie/fruit shopping very soon. Overall, just ducky.

2006-06-19T11:39:00.000-04:00

I wanna go home

and pull the covers up over my head. After I turn on the AC, of course. I don't know why I'm having such a lousy shitty eff-y day. I just want to punch something or someone. I'm not even pms'ing, so WTF?!?!

*warning: long ranting post ahead*

My eating was pretty terrible over the weekend, and I woke up around 4:30 on sunday morning feeling like I was going to puke from all the crap that was still not digested, because there was a backlog of crap, I'm sure, that prevented it from even getting to my digestive system. Included was guacamole, tortilla chips, tuna finger sandwich (disgusting! Fingers!), 2 chemical-tasting test tube shots (like scented markers!), a very spicy buffalo wing, some taco dip. 2 strawberry frozen daquiris w/freshly picked strawberries (hey, some fruit!). And rum. Some shepherd's pie. 3-4 bites of bday cake with lots of yummy sugary frosting. That was just the first party. It really wasn't that much food, just a little of each, but I was still pretty full. I'm sure the combination of everything wasn't so good for my digestion either, and I've been eating pretty well so my tummy was not happy by the end of the night. The second party was a little more guacamole/chips (guess what we brought to both parties?), a cheeseburger with some SALAD, and a few more bites of bday cake with more yummy sugary frosting. Plus 3 green apple sm1rnoff's and another kind of wine cooler. Blech.

Yesterday was 5 hours of blazing humidity and heat, sitting around watching my daughter's softball tournament (their team won ALL 7 games!!!! champions!!!). Drinking a ton of water to rehydrate from the day before and also not pass out from the heat. I had a slice of veggie pizza, way too many chocolate chip cookies (5 or 6, maybe?), some salad, a few chips/salsa. A teeny brownie. Some watermelon. Dinner was leftover tacos (just one, with a lot of sour cream). And then I had a small bowl of chocolate ice cream. And then I cracked open the chocolate cream cookies, and had about 6 of those. Then I stopped and made myself drink water and not eat anything else. Yeah, something is up, you think?!

My theories include:

I wrote a letter to a relative that I've really been struggling with relationship-wise; it was a continuation of my hand-held tape recording of last week. It was good to get it down on paper (a much nicer version than what I originally said, which was my intention - do the brutally honest version first, then clean it up for public consumption), but still upsetting. *sigh*
I didn't study Friday night. I didn't study at all on Saturday. I tried to study last night but I think I was feeling so overwhelmed, and then the tape recorder got stuck, etc. So I know that when I am feeling pressured about something, I tend to eat for comfort. Also as a form of procrastination.
My house is starting to fall behind again, and that is frustrating. Plus it was like 900 degrees in our apartment last night and the last thing I wanted to do (next to homework, of course) was to pick up etc. in the heat. We retreated to the air-conditioned bedroom. It's hard to do dishes in there. It also brings back memories of last summer, when it was horribly hot & humid for most of the summer and therefore many evenings were spent closed up in the air-conditioned bedroom, and the house was a disaster, and I was working 12 million hours and only got to the beach once and got a crappy bonus this year DESPITE all of my hard work. It was a very depressing time, and the heat of last night brought it back, I do believe.
Eating well is challenging and scary for me, long-term. I'm afraid I'm going to fall off the wagon. I desire the comfort more than I desire the long-term benefits, at times, in the moment. I miss the hell out of coffee (I had a small iced decaf on saturday, and that was it). I don't want to have to work and go to school and be the financial support for my kids and have that all hanging over my head, going to a job that I despise more and more. I just don't WANNA.

So those are all legitimate theories about my eating last night. I knew I wouldn't eat very well at the parties, and had already accepted that. Same with the softball shindig. But then to get home and eat more crap intentionally - no so good, and I knew there were some emotions there that I was choosing to not feel. So lesson learned there, I hope. Back on track for today. Raisin bread toasted with some natural PB and a slice of bf's bacon for breakfast (sounds dirty, eh?). More water today. Getting ready for lunch, which is sliced cukes/tomatoes/spices and I think I forgot my feta cheese so will use some flaxseed oil and my cheese wheel instead for protein. Orange, blueberries, soy yogurt, granola as snacks. Dinner is leftovers from fridge, which includes some veggies, so I'm good there. *sigh*

No workouts this weekend either. I'm sure that doesn't help with the moodiness or eating discipline. Nothing in sight until maybe Friday night? Unless I get up early one of the mornings.

2006-06-15T14:20:00.000-04:00

Lessons

#1 I have been feeling too full all week from breakfast. I decided to measure my portion today, and did 1/2 cup shredded something-or-other (wheat? oat?) and 1/2 cup ginger granola - it was about the same or a little less than I have been eating and it was still too much, which is probably good since the serving size should be closer to 2/3 or 3/4 of a cup. Blueberries on top, yum! They are very mild and sweet right now. And soy milk - will measure that tomorrow.

#2 I can get by on less. These past few weeks, I think my stomach has shrunk, because I get 80% full pretty quickly during my meals, which have also been smaller. It's been a learning for me on stopping (eating) when I start to feel full, which I started to learn at kripalu. It's challenging sometimes.

#3 Getting off coffee is definitely smart for my body. Less anxiety (although that's been creeping back up, along w/my impatience, due to lack of stress-busting cardio workouts), less cravings, no sugar/fat vicious cycle setup, weight coming off faster. Again, I am fully aware that it is mostly due to the half/half & sugar that I would put in it. The cup or two on the weekends might be a safe way to keep the desire at bay. I definitely still miss it. A lot.

#4 School has been an excellent new place for my energy etc., and I find that I'm not medicating with food when work is shitty. Yeah, I was counting the days down before, but now it means something concrete, as I do something every day to get me closer to a new career. Yeah xena! It has also been great in the no-snacking-at-night arena.

#5 I am getting better at being picky about the treats that I do have, which I haven't been denying myself (just in MUCH smaller portions!!!). I have discovered that I really don't like cake or brownies (unless they're really moist/chewy) or most vanilla or fruit-flavored things. I go for the chocolate (only if it's *good* chocolate, though!) or ice cream with smooshies or chocolate chip cookie. I don't tend to have something just because it's sweet & it's there.

#6 Ditto for eating more veggies & less starchy-type stuff. I'm not a proponent of low-carb by *any* means, but I notice that I would prefer to get my veggies and protein (too much still makes me gag, though), and by then I'm often full. Plus I still eat corn and sweet potatoes and granola and cereals, so I'm not really missing anything.

#7 Speaking of medicating my feelings, I was extremely frustrated at the end of work yesterday, and I'm still not clear why (I have a good idea about most of it, but some of it still doesn't make sense). I had my long ride to school, made even longer by the POURING rain and traffic, and I didn't put any music or spoken-word CD's on. I sat with the feelings. I pored over them. I analyzed them. I felt the frustration and anger and irritation, even though I didn't know the full source. I named the feelings, and let them go through me, and I felt so much better afterwards. I also had my handheld tape recorder for school, and had the brilliant idea to talk about what was going on, which is always powerful for me (vs. just thinking about it or writing it down) - there is something about speaking aloud that has such impact on my ability to get through/over things.

#8 Despite the power of speaking aloud, I am very glad that I started this blog. It has become a place to record my successes and my disappointments, my good eating habits and my not-so-great habits. It is good for accountability for me, and it keeps me focused (most of the time) on what my fitness/health goals are. I have no idea about the impact it might have on others, but it is working wonders for me. Thank you, cyberspace, for listening.

2006-06-13T11:09:00.000-04:00

Happy that it's clicking

(started Tuesday) I hate this feeling of "gosh I'm doing so well with food, but when will it fall apart again?". I suppose it's mostly due to lack of long-term success in that arena to prove that I truly can do it. It was easy at kripalu where they made great vegetarian/vegan food all day long and I had plenty of spiritual/physical/emotional fulfillment, but here in real life, with real-life pains and obstacles, it ain't so easy. It makes me angry that I am waiting for the other shoe to drop instead of congratulating and celebrating my successes. I need to anchor to that positive feeling.

Since it's only my second week of school, and the kids are almost done for the summer, I am waiting out the exercise planning piece. I don't know if I'm just feeling a tad overwhelmed with trying to juggle each day (I think I've already done about 6 or 7 hours of homework in the past week, plus 1.5 hours of hands-on practice - I know I'm going a bit cuckoo on the homework, i.e. reading it all, but I am truly interested by the subjects at hand (hahaha!)).

(completed Wednesday, whoops!) Where the hell was I? Oh yeah - exercise. I find it easier to schedule exercise when the kids are out of school/with their dad, as I can sleep a little later, and still get to the gym and get back in plenty of time to get to work in the mornings. I may not sign up for yoga for the summer, given that I miss many of the classes, and would be better off doing the elliptical/weights and save that money. I'll have to see how that goes.

I did well again last night, not eating after school, although I was super hungry (I had my granola bar & cheese wheel at break) - the challenge with bringing more to eat at snack is that we only get 15-20 minutes for break, and part of that is spent in line for the little girl's room. Plus I don't want to eat a lot if we're going to be practicing massage on each other - it's not exactly conducive to digestion. I drink a ton of water while I'm in class, and usually go through my 32-oz bottle. Of course, I did have a d0ve ice cream bar in the afternoon, and also a chocolate chunk cookie. Oops! Overall the calories were fine, but the quality of those calories was so-so with the treats.

Despite this, the lovely scale read 173 this morning! I'm sure it's a fluke, but it's nice to see it down there. I think the last time I was at that weight was probably between the birth of my daughter and son, about 11 years ago. Sad...we'll see what the next few days bring. I had another chocolate chunk cookie at lunch (there was free lunch from a leftover meeting) and a bag of chips. Hmm...

2006-06-12T09:36:00.000-04:00

It could have been worse.

So, the weekend was challenging in terms of lots of unhealthy choices within arm's reach. Saturday was my daughter's bday party, replete with chips, cheesy poofs, pizza, pizza, pizza, soda, chocolate (ugh!), and naturalement, cake and ice cream. I was pretty good about having only what I really wanted and stopping when I felt full, although the cake/ice cream pushed that to the limit. I only had a teensy piece of cake w/frosting, and a few scoops of sherbert & ice cream. Oh, and decaf coffee. Yes, I'm afraid if I don't have it once in awhile, until I get used to not drinking it all the time, that I will binge on it instead. I don't want it to feel like deprivation. My kids keep saying I'm on a DIET and I don't view it that way. These are lifetime changes that I am slowly making, one bite at a time.

Yesterday was the scout picnic, and the choices were cheeseburgers (check, just one), hot dogs (nope), chips (one only, believe it or not), assorted potato salads (nope). Oh yeah, and dessert. Well check check check on that. They had little cookie bars (bite-sized, practially), of which I had 3, and one chocolate-chip cookie. I did have real coffee at my mom's during breakfast, and a piece of french toast w/syrup and some yummy bacon. Dinner was one slice of pesto/mushroom/artichoke pizza, which didn't agree with my digestion at all (there was quite a bit of oil in the pesto).

I apologize if cataloging my food intake is boring, but it's important to me and my growth (or shrinkage, hahaha!). It definitely helps me see patterns and be honest about that little bite of something-or-other that can add up to more calories than I have convinced myself that I've consumed.

It certainly helps that I haven't been eating anything after dinner. Saturday night after the party, I had some baby carrots and water while I was doing my homework, and that was it! I was very proud of myself. Last night I just had water while doing homework, although the bf snuck in a spoonful of B&J since he was having some too. The last time (2 years ago) that I was studying for a whole semester (trying to get my professional certification in my current field), my homework tendencies were to snack on stuff. I don't want to start that habit this time, especially given the subject (massage, which I want to be in great shape for, including off caffeine/refined sugar), and the length of time (almost a year).

The lack of exercise is a bit disconcerting, as expected. I did get to ellipt/lift on Friday night. The party was indoors due to the weather, so not much movement there expect up/down the stairs a dozen times. The picnic was somewhat active, mostly walking and playing catch. Tonight I still have homework and some practicing to do, so I'm not sure about 7:30 yoga yet (it's gentle anyway, which is better than nothing, but not very cardio-inducing).

We have healthy food again for the week. I have leftover pizza (maybe not good for the digestion again???), the rest of the chickpea stew, some peppers, a banana, a peach, granola bar, soy yogurt. The usual. Cheese wheel. Daughter is making (organic) mac/cheese with tuna/corn, and side of peppers. I have some cukes & tomatoes that I will cut up for some more greek salad (with feta), yum! Maybe beans on Thursday night.

I feel good about my improved eating and applaud my restraint at night for no snacking. I feel more energetic and "lighter", although I'm still a little under 175. A totally amazing thing that may/may not be related - I got my TOM about 4 days earlier, and had NO sugar/food cravings!!! And no PMS!!! And no associated physical symptoms!!! This period (ha ha ha, no pun intended) of time usually sends me into a food tailspin. It was a big shock to find Auntie Flo in town with no warning, but always welcomed with open arms :-)

I feel asleep during the CD last night, but got further than I usually do. I plan to listen to the car-approved second track (since it's not hypnotic/relaxation, I guess!) of affirmations on the way to/from school this week.

2006-06-09T11:21:00.000-04:00

Seventy-six post-ings and a red guitarrrrrr

TGIF, mofo wifi!

It's been an interesting week food-wise. I think the eating obsessions CD is starting to sink in. I went to a work fx yesterday and they had burgers and chips and realllly garlicky potato sald. I only had a few chips and 2 spoonsful of the salad, and a cheeseburger with cheese/tomato/completely nutritionally devoid iceberg lettuce. I only got through about 2/3 of the burger and had to stop, as I was feeling full. It was hard to put the burger down. And to leave it there through about 35 minutes of boring presentations. But I did! And I felt great!

This has happened several other meals, and although I didn't stop every time, I have stopped more often than not. It's truly fascinating to me, and again I am reminded of how little food I needed at kripalu, where I was quite active every day (yoga, walks, lots of giving massages, up/down 4 flights of stairs several times/day). Of course, that was all really healthy good food.

I have been sticking to great choices this week. Had a half-cream-cheese brownie here, a small serving of B&J there, but otherwise eating lots of veggies and fruit, and smaller portions. Oh, and NO coffee and NO teecino, just water! And I haven't eaten when I've gotten home from school at 10:30, even though I am a little hungry - just water & bed. Go Xena!

This has been a double blessing, because my exercise has been for shit. I did make it to the elliptical Weds. morning but haven't done anything since, not even walking (continual rain AGAIN!). I plan to get to the Y tonight for some ellipt/lifting. Tomorrow is insanity day due to daughter's bday at my mother's house, which is not close by at all, plus I still have to shop and then cart most of her friends with us. I'm proud of my daughter for having both boys/girls as friend, and a bit envious and amazed, as I *never* had that assortment of sexes for friends when I was her age! She is rather tomboyish, so perhaps that helps.

Sunday is scouts picnic, so I'm hoping the weather clears up (HA!) and we can go swimming at the pond there, or play some catch football or softball.

The most interesting piece of all is that my weight is back down to 175 and maybe a bit under! I'm probably just losing muscle, argh!

2006-06-07T09:39:00.000-04:00

Oh, lovely surprise workout, how I adore thee!

So I was woken up this morning at around 5:15 by the local train, thanks a lot. And by "thanks a lot", I mean "WTF, dude?!". I opened the slider and got back into bed, the sound of the rain and the fresh air somehow *not* lulling me back to sleep. Grrr! So I decided to walk to the Y and workout instead, given my lack of exercise this past week or so. I did chest/arms and then walked/jogged back home to get my daughter up for school. It felt great!

I've been listening to the eating obsessions CD for two nights now. My bf helped me get it onto my mp3 player so that I could listen to it while I was in bed and then just go right to sleep afterwards instead of trying to find a comfortable space in the living room w/o disturbing the house with the noise. I did fall asleep Monday night, but last night I was able to stay awake through it (probably because I was winding down from school. Did I mention that I'm in SCHOOL and I LOVE it and I only have 259 more days at work? Hmm?). It's very helpful in terms of good reminders around eating.

I made some miso soup w/veggies, which is something I discovered (for breakfast, mind you) at kripalu. I'm amazed at how satisfying it is and continues to be for a good few hours. I had it for breakfast this morning. I have the chickpea stew w/spinach for lunch, and more of my greek veggie salad (cukes/tomatoes/feta w/spices). A tangerine, some blueberries, a granola bar for SCHOOL which I have TONIGHT, ya-frickin-hoo! Cheese wheel, soy yogurt.

On the way home last night (from SCHOOL) I was listening to a tape series on relationships etc. and it brought up stuff from my childhood/current relationship that had me in tears. Feeling those feelings, I guess. I was going to dive into my trail mix stash in the car, but then realized I wasn't hungry (thank you, weight loss CD!), and had a nice little cry. Very healing.

It feels good to be eating well, to have a clean house, and to be in SCHOOL. I was home by 10:45 last night, and didn't feel too tired. This is the effect that I was hoping/waiting for. More energy, moving forward, chasing my dreams. I love it!

2006-06-05T11:00:00.000-04:00

Back on track, baby!

So the weekend was quite a success in terms of cleaning and food prep, and even some socializing/imbibing. I certainly won't drink like I did on Saturday (see previous post) - today I feel sooooo tired. I think it may have been the chocolate milkshake my daughter gave to me around 7:00 yesterday from her dad's house (is he trying to poison me? Hmmm....) - since I've been cutting down on sugar (does alcohol count?), I think the double whammy of the sugar and the hour combined to give me a sugar hangover today.

The house is nice & clean, I have healthy food prepared for the week (marinated chix, greek salad (cuke/tomato/feta diced up & seasoned, yum!), cut up red/orange/yellow peppers, cauliflower, broccoli; I made a nice chickpea stew with crushed tomatoes and baby spinach; I got some sea & bay scallops for a dish later this week (ok, so the creamy sauce maybe not so healthy - hopefully the kids will at least eat it!); I have fruit (blueberries, tangerines, bananas) and the proverbial soy yogurt & granola). It's weird how the preparedness will often give me more energy - maybe because the worry of "what the eff am I going to make for dinner/bring for lunch?!" is taken away. Oh, and I also made strawberry/rhubarb cobbler - the worst thing about it was the cup + of sugar, but I used whole grain oats on top instead of granola. Better than B&J for a dessert fix.

I plan to go to yoga tonight and then I have school Tues/Weds, so perhaps I will have to make more of an effort to get to that lovely 6 a.m. Thursday yoga class?

2006-06-04T10:24:00.000-04:00

Drinking in middle of afternoon = bad idea

Yesterday the bf and I were cleaning the house, which is a rare event (normally the kids do the sweeping/dusting and the rest just waits until I have the time/energy to do it)(I've learned to lower my standards if I want to balance kids/full-time work/sports/exercise/eating right blah blah blah), like scrubbing and that sort of thing. I was going to throw away this goofy "bar set" which we won at a raffle last year - it has little bottles of bar sugar and colored/flavored sugar drink mix on a big metal holder that takes up waaay to much space and we have hardly used the stuff. So anyway, I had it next to the trash, and the bf suggests that we have a little cocktail to use up some of the stuff (he hates throwing stuff out. I love throwing stuff out. I hate clutter!). Mind you, it's only like 1:00 in the afternoon, and we had plans to drive down to the city and visit friends that evening.

So we did it. And it was fun. I can't remember the last time I was that plastered, especially in the middle of the day!!! We hadn't eaten lunch either, which complicated things.

Amazingly enough, we did get a good chunk of the cleaning done. I had a pretty good headache going by the time we left for dinner, and I was starving. I was exhausted pretty early but we didn't get home until 1:30 a.m. Ugh.

So today is to finish the cleaning (they cancelled my daughter's 5 hours of round robin softball due to the weather, so I'm somewhat relieved) and do up some cooking so that I am ready for the week & going to school on Tuesday!

I hope to get to the gym today as well, but my priority is to get this house in order.

Food has been pretty good - no purchases of chocolate or other treats, and I successfully avoided the chocolate-covered cookies in the work kitchen on Friday. Go Xena!

I still miss coffee like the dickens :-(

2006-06-02T10:38:00.000-04:00

Ahhhhh....Friday

Orientation was great last night. I now have an armful of books and a renewed energy. I will need it between working full-time, the kids, the bf, continuing to eat healthy and fit in exercise...!

My goal this weekend is to get my house in final order for the summer and get some meals cooked for the week, since I start class on Tuesday & Wednesday night, 6-10. I don't want to fall off track just because I'm running from work to school.

Perhaps some exercise tonight if the daughter doesn't have her softball game. Definitely a workout tomorrow!

Food today - ginger granola/blueberries/soy milk - went a little overboard on portion size - I was hungry from last night! An apple, some more blueberries, orange/yellow peppers and half a rice/bean/cheese burrito. The other half for dinner w/more peppers.

The scale says I'm back to 175, so that's wonderful! Of course, I had a drink-and-a-half last night so may have been dehydrated. I also had a few scoops of ice cream from a local stand (they make their own, so yummy!). It's better for me to do it that way than to try and portion something that's calling my name from the freezer.

Still off coffee. *groan*

Have a loverly weekend all!

2006-06-01T10:13:00.000-04:00

It's here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so freakin' excited!

Orientation tonight - less than 8 hours away!!!!

'Nuff said.

Exercise - non-existent other than brief strolls.

Coffee - GOOD-BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None this morning. No teecino either. We'll see if the headaches come next.

Food - going out to business lunch today - must order veggies. Have pear & apple, PB, soy yogurt/granola, cheese wheel. Dinner is turkey curry and quinoa/blackbean salad. Bad breath, maybe not so good for first impressions on my fellow students & teachers. Must borrow gum from officemate. Must promise to return it when through.

All right, I'm just being silly. But I'm so GIDDY and it's been so LONG since I've felt this good!

2006-05-31T10:16:00.000-04:00

Almost there

Tomorrow night is orientation! Are you getting sick of hearing that yet, 'cause I'm sure not getting tired of saying it!

My decreased yoga attendance is showing - I had a dream last night that I was trying to get into a weekend class, and it was *packed*, and then I got sidetracked (I can't remember why), but then the class had already been going on for almost 10 minutes and I had to run in and get my yoga mat (I get really annoyed at people who show up later than 5 minutes for the class, since we're usually in the middle of the seated meditation and they couldn't *possibly* try and BE QUIET and not rattle their keys and slap their mat down etc. GRRR)(yes, I know it's funny and ironic that I'm supposed to be calming down during this point in class and all I can do is be irritated; maybe it's just whatever the day's events (i.e. WORK) are that accumulate and spill over at this point). ANYWAY, I got my mat w/minimal interruption and then went to do a tape that I recently got, but there were like 12 million people in my living room (which wasn't really my living room, it looked completely foreign to me - it did have an awesome huge TV, though!) and I had to wait for them to leave so that I could do my yoga. Wah.

No exercise yesterday except a 15-minute stroll outside in the crisp sunny weather. Better than nothing is what I always say. Yes, that is what I always say, indeed, so you'd better attribute the quote to me if you use it.

Last day (mm-hmm) on teecino - tomorrow I am drinking agua and nuttin' else. *sigh* I miss it already.

granola w/blueberries/soy milk for breakfast, some yummy grainy m3tamuc1l w/my iron pill and hoping this helps the aftereffects. Some more chix/baby spinach/pepper/carrots for lunch, more soy yogurt/granola, cheese wheels, an apple, an orange, some blueberries. Leftover shepherd's pie (turkey instead of beef)(I had WAY too much of this last night, but it was soooo good and I was soooo hungry) and peppers/carrots for dinner.

I did have an 0re0 ice cream bar at the daughter's softball game since it was past 7:00 and we had not eaten dinner yet (another reason why I was soooo hungry and ate toooo much shepherd's pie); I also had a piece of dark chocolate with nuts. I don't even *like* dark chocolate. It was delicious. I guess when one is happy to have sugar of any kind, one can't complain, eh?

Sugar is certainly my enemy, and one I will be attempting to conquer over these next few weeks. I am not cutting out natural sugar (fruit etc), but refined sugar. I am hoping that not having the morning shot of sugar/cream in my hot beverage will help keep the vicious sugar cycle at bay, and I'm also hoping that once I get it out of my system, the cravings will decrease.