I wanna go home

and pull the covers up over my head. After I turn on the AC, of course. I don't know why I'm having such a lousy shitty eff-y day. I just want to punch something or someone. I'm not even pms'ing, so WTF?!?!

*warning: long ranting post ahead*

My eating was pretty terrible over the weekend, and I woke up around 4:30 on sunday morning feeling like I was going to puke from all the crap that was still not digested, because there was a backlog of crap, I'm sure, that prevented it from even getting to my digestive system. Included was guacamole, tortilla chips, tuna finger sandwich (disgusting! Fingers!), 2 chemical-tasting test tube shots (like scented markers!), a very spicy buffalo wing, some taco dip. 2 strawberry frozen daquiris w/freshly picked strawberries (hey, some fruit!). And rum. Some shepherd's pie. 3-4 bites of bday cake with lots of yummy sugary frosting. That was just the first party. It really wasn't that much food, just a little of each, but I was still pretty full. I'm sure the combination of everything wasn't so good for my digestion either, and I've been eating pretty well so my tummy was not happy by the end of the night. The second party was a little more guacamole/chips (guess what we brought to both parties?), a cheeseburger with some SALAD, and a few more bites of bday cake with more yummy sugary frosting. Plus 3 green apple sm1rnoff's and another kind of wine cooler. Blech.

Yesterday was 5 hours of blazing humidity and heat, sitting around watching my daughter's softball tournament (their team won ALL 7 games!!!! champions!!!). Drinking a ton of water to rehydrate from the day before and also not pass out from the heat. I had a slice of veggie pizza, way too many chocolate chip cookies (5 or 6, maybe?), some salad, a few chips/salsa. A teeny brownie. Some watermelon. Dinner was leftover tacos (just one, with a lot of sour cream). And then I had a small bowl of chocolate ice cream. And then I cracked open the chocolate cream cookies, and had about 6 of those. Then I stopped and made myself drink water and not eat anything else. Yeah, something is up, you think?!

My theories include:

• I wrote a letter to a relative that I've really been struggling with relationship-wise; it was a continuation of my hand-held tape recording of last week. It was good to get it down on paper (a much nicer version than what I originally said, which was my intention - do the brutally honest version first, then clean it up for public consumption), but still upsetting. *sigh*
• I didn't study Friday night. I didn't study at all on Saturday. I tried to study last night but I think I was feeling so overwhelmed, and then the tape recorder got stuck, etc. So I know that when I am feeling pressured about something, I tend to eat for comfort. Also as a form of procrastination.
• My house is starting to fall behind again, and that is frustrating. Plus it was like 900 degrees in our apartment last night and the last thing I wanted to do (next to homework, of course) was to pick up etc. in the heat. We retreated to the air-conditioned bedroom. It's hard to do dishes in there. It also brings back memories of last summer, when it was horribly hot & humid for most of the summer and therefore many evenings were spent closed up in the air-conditioned bedroom, and the house was a disaster, and I was working 12 million hours and only got to the beach once and got a crappy bonus this year DESPITE all of my hard work. It was a very depressing time, and the heat of last night brought it back, I do believe.
• Eating well is challenging and scary for me, long-term. I'm afraid I'm going to fall off the wagon. I desire the comfort more than I desire the long-term benefits, at times, in the moment. I miss the hell out of coffee (I had a small iced decaf on saturday, and that was it). I don't want to have to work and go to school and be the financial support for my kids and have that all hanging over my head, going to a job that I despise more and more. I just don't WANNA.

So those are all legitimate theories about my eating last night. I knew I wouldn't eat very well at the parties, and had already accepted that. Same with the softball shindig. But then to get home and eat more crap intentionally - no so good, and I knew there were some emotions there that I was choosing to not feel. So lesson learned there, I hope. Back on track for today. Raisin bread toasted with some natural PB and a slice of bf's bacon for breakfast (sounds dirty, eh?). More water today. Getting ready for lunch, which is sliced cukes/tomatoes/spices and I think I forgot my feta cheese so will use some flaxseed oil and my cheese wheel instead for protein. Orange, blueberries, soy yogurt, granola as snacks. Dinner is leftovers from fridge, which includes some veggies, so I'm good there. *sigh*

No workouts this weekend either. I'm sure that doesn't help with the moodiness or eating discipline. Nothing in sight until maybe Friday night? Unless I get up early one of the mornings.