Feeeeeelings

Great post over at Body of Work. I have tears rolling down my face right now, knowing the many times I haven't been willing to feel my feelings, let them roll and rise and crest and subside. I don't wanna ride the wave, I'd rather numb it with food. It's so much easier that way. If I start crying, maybe it will never stop.

Which is ridiculous, because it always stops, and I almost always feel better afterwards, even though my eyes are swollen and red, and I'm all congested and feeling raw and vulnerable. More scary feelings associated with being vulnerable. It feels like I could spiral down into oblivion if I chase those feelings, but again, it never lasts all that long, and it's so cleansing.

So I'm crying now, and I'm not even sure *why* I am crying, and I am analytical so I need to know *why* the hell am I crying? It doesn't matter, honestly, does it? Just let it out, clear the space, make room for something better. I could guess at the reason(s) for my pain; this 3-month-plus recovery process, feeling as though I'm missing out on spring because I can't go out and walk in it, the pain of seeing my mother getting heavier and struggling with meds and not doing anything about it, the bf back to his heaviest (?) weight, like when we first met - knowing I can't change him or her, I can only work with/on myself. The angst of my daughter, almost 13, turning into a sullen, moody, one-word-answer teen - what the hell do I do now? I don't want to lose her, and it is so hard to be patient and contain my frustration, to find the loving way to be with her when it's not openly reciprocated. Having to go back to work next week after losing my supervisor of 8+ years and working with the new one, who doesn't understand why we have the processes in place that we do, feeling as though I'm returning to a big mess, so many changes, and I hate change. Not being able to work out, to do yoga, to have an outlet for this excess anxious energy. Wanting to return to massage, to finish my courses by August, get certified, and move on with my new career, half-afraid that I've forgotten so much in this 3-month absence.

Ah well, it could be any, all, some, or none of those things. Whatever the case, the feelings are still there and need to be felt so they and I can move on. *ahhhhhhh*, that's better. Thanks for listening.