And another thing...

Thank you, Alanis Morrisette - my other new goal is to stop eating when I am full. I'm usually good at this, although the holidays were not so good in this regard. I especially have been having trouble at restaurants, where I used to be better at eating a little bit and taking the rest home, since I've usually filled up on bread etc. which I don't do at home or work. Now I still eat most of the meal and have often gotten dessert, even when I'm most definitely full. Fear comes to mind, but of what? Of not having enough? Of missing the opportunity to have a dessert that I don't normally get to have? Part of what works in that arena, at least for me, is to question whether or not I *can* get that dessert elsewhere, and if so, why do I *have* to have it right then. Maybe it's a rebellion thing. I was definitely a goody-two-shoes, do-as-I-am-told kid/teenager, so now it's like "I don't wanna, and you can't make me" or "You can't tell me that I *can't* have this dessert/whatever, so there!". Pretty silly stuff, but true nonetheless. And sometimes it's that seemingly never-fillable-void. Where the hell does that come from???? I've been trying so much harder to fill it with love/affection from the boyfriend and love for myself, and from my kids. Sometimes it's just never enough. *sigh*

I sometimes worry that this will be my life story for ever and ever, and boy does it get tiring. I wish I could just move on, but I keep circling back, peeling back the onion layers a little deeper each time. I know I've made tons of progress, but it always circles back.