Does 1 minus 1 really equal zero?


I did do my yoga last night - go xena! After we left the concert and went to get some store-bought ice cream (in lieu of going out for ice cream, as has been our tradition after chorus/band concerts), I almost forgot that I was going to do yoga when I got home. I was a bit tired, and hungry, but kept firm in my resolve, which makes me proud of myself!

As always, it was wonderful to reconnect to my body and stretch and breathe and feel the heat moving into my shoulders, arms, legs. A different heat than I get from doing straight cardio on the elliptical or treadmill. I always feel so lovely, so *normal* when I finish yoga. Like I'm human again. Even if it brings up emotions, which it often does, but it gets them up and OUT. Yes, m'dear, this is the healthy thing that most healthy people do with their emotions. They feel them, and then they let them go. Why the hell is that so damn hard for me?????????

I did a DVD that I had borrowed from my mom (heaven knows she will probably never use it anyway, which makes me very sad) that was a far cry from the Denise Austen that I mentioned yesterday. It's from GAIAM, and it's Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss. Very gentle and calming, with 3 different modification levels, so I imagine it's great for beginners too. They talk you through the poses, and focus on body mechanics, which I love love love. That's one thing that Kripalu does that is terrific. "Push your right hipbone out. Lengthen along the spine. Push your left heel into the mat" etc. Just the things I need to make the pose that much better. This dvd doesn't have any downward dogs or balance poses, but it still got the blood moving and the muscles stretching, expanding, releasing. Ahhhhhh

So, now onto the -1 in the equation. *sigh* The ice cream. Good ol B&J, my buds. The kids and I couldn't decide on one flavor, so we ended up getting each our own pints. I'm sad to admit that I did get my own pint, knowing how terrible my willpower is when there are temptations in the house. The pint rarely lasts more than a few days, and I know it's well over a whole day's worth of calories, not to mention the sugar and fat. It's like I know I'll be going to Kripalu and eating well, so I have to get my junk fix now. How the hell did I learn this???

Thankfully my kids are in good shape, and for the most part we eat plenty of fruits/veggies/quality protein, and I try to buy organic/natural as often as possible (although it can get pricey, especially with two growing kids). They stay active and do skiing/boarding in the winter, and we try to swim at the Y once a week or so. I'm trying to break my childhood patterns of inactivity, too much red meat (usually hamburger in the helper mode), and lots of cakes/brownies/junky sugar foods around. And numbing/comforting/rewarding with food. I think I'm doing all right, but then when I have my mini-binges, what kind of example does that set?

I have to look at this long-term, and look at how far I've come. I naturally beat myself up real good, better than anyone else possibly could, and that doesn't help my personal growth at all. I am getting better at taking things day by day, but it's still not easy. I'm building the habits needed to succeed, but I am human and have to accept that I will make mistakes (NO!). I have made great strides in eating more veggies and fruit, and cooking alternative proteins, and not eating so much sugar. It's disheartening to think that this will probably be a struggle forever. *sigh*

I did eat well yesterday otherwise - greens/egg/avocado/flaxseed/veggies for lunch, and a banana, and yogurt/protein granola. I'm struggling with the "getting off coffee" goal, and am in fact drinking some right now. I need to recommit to this goal before the 22nd, when I leave for retreat-world. Same with the sugar, although that is connected to the coffee since I have real sugar (I dislike intensely the artificial sweeteners, yes I do) and half/half in it, which sets off the spiral.

Not sure about the exercise today. It's unseasonably warm here today, so maybe I'll do a short walk while the daughter is resting (we're home today since she's not feeling well), or run over to the Y for an hour. I don't want to get too excited, but this is the longest consistent period of exercise for me since I stopped doing karate 2 years ago! I feel good, and I feel more able to delve into the emotional issues that affect my eating and how I do or don't take care of myself.

*sigh*