Zzzzzz

Went to drive-in last night w/bf & son, so much fun! Double header, so we didn't get home until 2 o'frickin'clock. I am quite tired, and feel bad for my son, who has camp all day. Thankfully it's much cooler today so at least the heat won't beat him down. He's generally quite good-natured, so I know he'll do fine, and we agreed that we wouldn't have the grumpies today if we stayed last night. I was impressed that he wanted to stay and also that he stayed awake for both movies!

Umm, do I have to talk about my food choices? *sigh* All righty then. Summary: not good. We went south of ze bord3r, and also had ice cream. And wobbly pops and coffin nails. Oh, and don't forget the movie chocolate. I walked to the concession stand twice - does that count for my exercise? No? Didn't think so.

SO, I don't know why I continue to act like I can just fix it all tomorrow, I'll start eating better tomorrow, exercising tomorrow, and tomorrow just keeps moving ahead by another day. I have to say that if I didn't have this blog, I believe I would be in a much worse place right now, so I am very thankful to post here for my own accountability, even if it ain't purty.

I don't even want to get on the scale right now - I must be getting close to 180. It's so disappointing, but I am very clear how it happened. It doesn't have to continue this way. It's one thing to plan until I'm blue in the face, which I am VERY talented at, so if you ever need someone to plan & organize for you, I'm your gal. Execution is another thing entirely. I have peaches going soft and vegetables decomposing in my fridge. Yeah, I bought 'em to eat. Good intentions and all that.

What am I so afraid of, so anxious about? Am I overwhelmed with my current schedule? I know it's short-term, relatively speaking, and a year from now I will have my massage certification and license and be successfully practicing full-time, with an evergrowing client list, and not starving to death or being on the verge of eviction or a big fat failure. Well, I suppose I could be fat, but I won't be a failure. I must be hitting a nerve here because there's a big lump in my throat. Why why why do I return to these unhealthy behaviors? I'm not escaping anything by eating myself into submission/numbness.

Sure, I can still be a fine massage therapist/bodyworker with my current behaviors. I certainly won't be the *best* therapist that I *could* be, though. The healthy food and regular exercise, including yoga, provides the solid energy foundation that I need to do the work well. The caffeine, sugar, nicotine, fat are definite energy blocks/drains. I love the way that my body feels when I am lifting/exercising regularly and eating right. I have amazing, clean-feeling (vs. jittery/anxious) energy and vitality. I *glow*, baby, and I flow. I know the physical demands of doing massage are easier when I am strong and energetic, and I am less likely to injure myself, given the repetitive demands of the work. I feel like a better role model for my clients - how can I encourage *them* to take good care of themselves if I'm not doing the same???

Wow, I don't know where that all came from! I certainly have not been giving myself much space to work these thoughts out lately, so I imagine that contributes to my overall feelings of anxiety and panic - eat something quick! And keep going! I haven't had much quiet xena time lately - I don't quite have that luxury for the time being. Exercise (even though I usually listen to music when I ellipt) is a great time for xena time. Walking at the track is great quiet, thoughtful xena time. It doesn't have to be 45 minutes if that doesn't work right now - 20 is ok. That's so hard to write. 20. Is. OK. Take what you can get, girl. It will serve you ten times better than taking nothing at all. Stuffing it down isn't going to get rid of it - remember how, on the other side of the emotional wave, it is never as bad as you thought it was going to be? Sure, it's not fun to be on the top of the wave, but it never lasts long, and when it's over, you always always always feel better. Stronger. Human.

Nice to talk to you like this - don't be a stranger. Love, Little Xena