I can drive!

Another milestone today - my bf took me down to the big office complex empty parking lot, and I drove the car. It was weird to be in the driver's seat again, and definitely freeing. I had no problems in the parking lot, so we took a drive to the local farmstand and got some fresh spinach (sauteed some last week with slivered almonds and olive oil, and a splash of lemon juice, yum!). My knee felt like there were muscles trying to move around it, but it didn't hurt. I had to lift my leg/foot to get to the brake....we tried a couple of "slam on the brake" stops in the parking lot and it didn't hurt my knee, so that was a good sign.

It's looking more & more as though I might have scar tissue in the joint, as it still pinches/burns when I try to straighten my leg, and it bounces right back up when the PT tries to force it down/straight. Unfortunately my doc is on vacation for a week, so I can't talk to him about arthroscopic surgery to clean the scar tissue out.

I still can't walk yet, using the crutches everywhere. Well, except for last week at work when I was hopping around my desk to get to my files and tripped on my sandal. I came down full force on my bad leg, heard a POP! and then landed on the floor. I felt really stupid, and thankfully didn't seem to do any serious damage. We're still not sure what the popping was, perhaps scar tissue tearing. I don't seem to have any long-term problems from it, other than my hurt pride. Boy, did I feel stupid! My boss and two coworkers came running in as I rolled on the floor, clutching my knee. Duh.

Summer is coming on strong now, and I can't make plans to go camping or other active stuff until I know when I'll be walking again. I know it could be a lot worse - I have a small taste of what it is like to be disabled, and can't imagine being so permanently. I keep telling myself that I am moving forward, even if it seems unbearably slow, and I have many blessings in my life. This too shall pass.

Back to the Salt Mines

Yes, back to work today. 4 hours/day for this week, and I got a call from the insurance co. telling me my STD coverage is up this saturday, so no choice on going back full-time starting next week.

It feels like forever since I've been there. In some ways, it has been - it's been 3 months this week!!! There have been many changes, and I am not one for change. I am pretending that I am starting a new job - indeed, I have a new supervisor now - and will try to be open and accepting as much as possible.

I've learned many things these past 3 months, so I am interested to see if they "stick" once I get involved in the muck & mire of politics and work...

I need to figure out my eating situation at work since I will be there through my normal lunchtime but can't take more than a 15-minute break. Today I have natural pb/natch jelly on wheat, 2 apples, and some cashews. I am frightened to find what I have left in my snack drawer at work!!!

I've really been struggling with how slow this recovery is going. Still can't straighten the leg, still can't put more than 50 lbs. on my right foot, still can't drive. Why did I ever pray for patience?!

*sigh* wish me luck, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my work clothes still fit :-) Last time I got on the scale (last week maybe?), I was holding strong at 190. Not bad for sedentary lifestyle...

Feeeeeelings

Great post over at Body of Work. I have tears rolling down my face right now, knowing the many times I haven't been willing to feel my feelings, let them roll and rise and crest and subside. I don't wanna ride the wave, I'd rather numb it with food. It's so much easier that way. If I start crying, maybe it will never stop.

Which is ridiculous, because it always stops, and I almost always feel better afterwards, even though my eyes are swollen and red, and I'm all congested and feeling raw and vulnerable. More scary feelings associated with being vulnerable. It feels like I could spiral down into oblivion if I chase those feelings, but again, it never lasts all that long, and it's so cleansing.

So I'm crying now, and I'm not even sure *why* I am crying, and I am analytical so I need to know *why* the hell am I crying? It doesn't matter, honestly, does it? Just let it out, clear the space, make room for something better. I could guess at the reason(s) for my pain; this 3-month-plus recovery process, feeling as though I'm missing out on spring because I can't go out and walk in it, the pain of seeing my mother getting heavier and struggling with meds and not doing anything about it, the bf back to his heaviest (?) weight, like when we first met - knowing I can't change him or her, I can only work with/on myself. The angst of my daughter, almost 13, turning into a sullen, moody, one-word-answer teen - what the hell do I do now? I don't want to lose her, and it is so hard to be patient and contain my frustration, to find the loving way to be with her when it's not openly reciprocated. Having to go back to work next week after losing my supervisor of 8+ years and working with the new one, who doesn't understand why we have the processes in place that we do, feeling as though I'm returning to a big mess, so many changes, and I hate change. Not being able to work out, to do yoga, to have an outlet for this excess anxious energy. Wanting to return to massage, to finish my courses by August, get certified, and move on with my new career, half-afraid that I've forgotten so much in this 3-month absence.

Ah well, it could be any, all, some, or none of those things. Whatever the case, the feelings are still there and need to be felt so they and I can move on. *ahhhhhhh*, that's better. Thanks for listening.

Recovery sucks, just like losing weight

Well, it's been almost 3 months since my accident & surgery, and I'm still not effing walking. !#$%&*!!! It's extremely hard not to get discouraged. I really thought I'd be back to "normal" now, and trying to just get my muscle tone back. But I CAN'T EVEN WALK. *big-mother-effing-sigh*

So I've noticed the pattern that resembles exercise/eating right/losing weight. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Some days I can straighten my leg (I'm still 15 degrees away from 0, not good) and breathe through my leg exercises and I'm ok. Other days it kills to get anywhere near straight, and at PT I'm sobbing on the table. But I know if I don't do my exercises every day, that I will significantly delay the healing process, and PT will suck that much more.

Today happens to be a good day, and in some ways I can feel things finally loosening up. My PT suspects I have some scar tissue buildup that is pinching & pulling when I try to straighten out and/or bend and/or do anything with my leg at all. So I've been cranking on it each morning, using my thumbs to rub, rub, rub it away, and I think it might actually be helping. But I'm afraid to think that, because what if I wake up tomorrow and it hurts just as much as before?

I believe I will be returning to work next week PT (PT is such a versatile acronym!), and goddess help me if I have a meeting in the other end of the building, which, when I *could* walk, could easily take almost 10 minutes to get to. Well, the mountain will just have to come to me, won't it now? Interestingly enough, but somehow not surprising, I've been wanting to cram my craw with food food food. Can you tell I don't want to go back to work? I can!

Please send your healing thoughts my way - I could really use them. That, and some hope.