Almost there

Tomorrow night is orientation! Are you getting sick of hearing that yet, 'cause I'm sure not getting tired of saying it!

My decreased yoga attendance is showing - I had a dream last night that I was trying to get into a weekend class, and it was *packed*, and then I got sidetracked (I can't remember why), but then the class had already been going on for almost 10 minutes and I had to run in and get my yoga mat (I get really annoyed at people who show up later than 5 minutes for the class, since we're usually in the middle of the seated meditation and they couldn't *possibly* try and BE QUIET and not rattle their keys and slap their mat down etc. GRRR)(yes, I know it's funny and ironic that I'm supposed to be calming down during this point in class and all I can do is be irritated; maybe it's just whatever the day's events (i.e. WORK) are that accumulate and spill over at this point). ANYWAY, I got my mat w/minimal interruption and then went to do a tape that I recently got, but there were like 12 million people in my living room (which wasn't really my living room, it looked completely foreign to me - it did have an awesome huge TV, though!) and I had to wait for them to leave so that I could do my yoga. Wah.

No exercise yesterday except a 15-minute stroll outside in the crisp sunny weather. Better than nothing is what I always say. Yes, that is what I always say, indeed, so you'd better attribute the quote to me if you use it.

Last day (mm-hmm) on teecino - tomorrow I am drinking agua and nuttin' else. *sigh* I miss it already.

granola w/blueberries/soy milk for breakfast, some yummy grainy m3tamuc1l w/my iron pill and hoping this helps the aftereffects. Some more chix/baby spinach/pepper/carrots for lunch, more soy yogurt/granola, cheese wheels, an apple, an orange, some blueberries. Leftover shepherd's pie (turkey instead of beef)(I had WAY too much of this last night, but it was soooo good and I was soooo hungry) and peppers/carrots for dinner.

I did have an 0re0 ice cream bar at the daughter's softball game since it was past 7:00 and we had not eaten dinner yet (another reason why I was soooo hungry and ate toooo much shepherd's pie); I also had a piece of dark chocolate with nuts. I don't even *like* dark chocolate. It was delicious. I guess when one is happy to have sugar of any kind, one can't complain, eh?

Sugar is certainly my enemy, and one I will be attempting to conquer over these next few weeks. I am not cutting out natural sugar (fruit etc), but refined sugar. I am hoping that not having the morning shot of sugar/cream in my hot beverage will help keep the vicious sugar cycle at bay, and I'm also hoping that once I get it out of my system, the cravings will decrease.

Nightmare City

I had a terrible nightmare last night about the prez of the company for which I work for another 265 days. It involved me trying to get a presentation to run for a candidate, and the prez was there along with a bunch of other folks, but I couldn't find it on my laptop and then I tried dialing the help desk and the phone number pad was all screwed up and I kept misdialing and I think I was almost pulling my hair out, which I never do in real life. I woke myself up because I was getting so agitated. It was awful, and it just made me more resolute to get the hell out of here next year.

Thankfully I have orientation this Thursday for the massage school, and then I start classes next Tuesday. I'm hoping this will alleviate some of my recently-escalated anxiety/tension. I constantly find my shoulders creeping up towards my ears and I have to make a conscious effort to relax them back down and start breathing again. I try to notice if there is something going on right then to cause this behavior, but it happens at random times, so I conclude it must be an underlying/constant thing. It bugs the crap out of me. I'm hoping that getting off coffee and starting school will help it even more.

Speaking of coffee, I'm on full teecino today (yeah xena!). I had some ginger granola this morning (yum!) with soy milk. I have an apple and an orange and some blueberries; I have grilled chix, baby spinach, red pepper and some baby carrots for lunch, and the usual gouda mini-cheese wheels and some soy yogurt. I journaled a bit while waiting to drop off the son at school, and I think that helped a lot. I was feeling pretty annoyed again; some of it is clear to me but I'm not free to discuss in this space. I am working on some of it with my counselor. At least I'm trying to feel the feelings, which is a huge step for me.

Not clear again on the exercise plan for today; the daughter has track/softball after work so I don't know when I can get to the gym. Overall I feel pretty good, given the tossing/turning of last night and the yucky feelings bubbling up. I think my recent gassiness (sp?) has to do with the iron supplements I have just started taking - it's really uncomfortable, and I'm hoping the pharmacist's recommendation to take it with some m3tamuc1l might help - didn't do that today. I'm sure you're dying for me to keep you posted on this very important subject, so have no fear, I will come through for you.

Goooood day Suuuuunshine

It's gotten real sticky here in an unbelievably (but typical) quick fashion. It must be in the 80's with some good humidity going. I'm sitting in my sports bra and bike pants (not a pretty sight, I'm sure ;-)).

Friday was quite active. I walked to/from the Y, ellipted for 35 minutes, did back/shoulders. Then the bf and I went dancing. I had waaaay too much to drink and smoke (yes, I smoke clove cigarettes when I drink, baaaad Xena!) but had a blast. I *really* needed to blow off some steam. It was a diversity bar, so there were quite a few same-gender folks dancing, and one of the opposite sex asked me to dance, and told me I was so cute! Tee hee - he also had a beer in each hand, so that made me laugh and smile. It was still a nice compliment, even if he was a little tipsy.

Saturday I gave two massages and took a brief walk after Indian food (the restaurant is open again after the flooding - I didn't notice any damage - I love their buffet!!!). Yesterday was whitewater rafting - I had an absolute blast. Today we biked up to the parade since the son was marching in it, then we walked around town a bit afterwards and biked back home.

All in all, a fairly active long weekend.

Eating-wise...I ordered a weight loss CD that has a hypnotic (to me it was more like relaxation/guided meditation) component to it, and it has helped me already (although I guess I am supposed to listen to it for the next 12 weeks everyday; with school/work/etc. it will be challenging to fit 30 minutes in every day, but I plan to do my best). Reminding me to slow down, take smaller bites, chew each bite 30 times. It brought back how little I could subsist on while I was at Kripalu. To put my fork down between bites. To be conscious of what I was putting in my mouth, and not rushing to cram the next overloaded bite in. Good stuff.

I had a decaf coffee today, but no coffee on Saturday and a few sips of the bf's coffee on the way to the rafting trip. It's going to be tough - I'm trying not to hold that frame of mind, but also am being pragmatic.

*ugh* back to work tomorrow - I'm interested to see how long my relaxed state remains as such. And then what emotions pop up because of it.

I have a busy few nights ahead and don't know when I can get to the gym? The daughter has both track & softball tomorrow night and Friday night; haircuts on Wednesday night, and ORIENTATION on Thursday night. Thank *goddess* it's finally here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I need to see how I can work something in.

Off to make some chix/asparagus/carrots and some sort of starch and marinate the other chix I bought for the rest of the week.

Love my "skinny jeans"!!!

Yes. I. DO!

Friday is casual day here at work, and I have been getting compliments every week that I wear my skinny jeans. Love it! When someone asked if I have been jogging, I laughed out loud. Yeah, right!

Anyway, it's nice to hear the encouragement, even if I haven't lost any additional weight since I came back. Still at 177, and had a fairly good week to maybe reach my lose-one-pound goal. We'll see on Monday!

No gym last night - I ended up going home and sleeping the night away instead. I was dragging all day at work, and the !#$% (but delicious) eggr0lls from ch1l1's gave me such, ahem, gas from the garlic that I was in misery the rest of the afternoon and didn't even feel like eating anything for dinner. That'll learn me!

Still trying to continue to evaluate my feelings vs. eating them away. The bf brought home ice cream for me last night, knowing how I do love it so. At least he brought me a "baby" size, since he knows I'm in the recommitment phase. So sweet! I didn't have it (or anything else except water) as I was napping away. Maybe tonight.

Food is ok; I made it to 1/1 teecino/coffee, so now will shift over to all teecino then nothing by next Thursday! Goddess help me. Breakfast was organic "g0r1lla munch" (kinda like k1x) mixed with store-brand organic ka$shi type mix and soy milk. Eating my chix curry w/veggies now; had an apple earlier, some water, and have an orange and soy yogurt for snack if need be.

Getting out early for the holiday long weekend, so I'll go to the gym then. I'm feeling much more hopeful than I have in a long time. Looking forward to a nice active weekend (giving 2 massages, going whitewater rafting, a yoga class tomorrow morning).

Too bad I can't wear my skinny jeans 24/7!

Walk to school day

That's what the bf and son and I did this morning, along with nine million other munchkins and a bunch of stay-at-home moms (grrr). It was glorious - the sun was shining bright, there was a nice cool breeze, and it felt great to be motoring when I have full energy!

I can't wait for this Sunday - we're going on a whitewater rafting trip with our den (mini scouts group)! I love it!

You may be able to tell that I'm feeling better today. I don't know why, for sure? I was in bed before 10:00 last night - I was exhausted and still hungry after dinner and didn't want to keep eating eating eating, and I had a headache (most likely due to the decreased sugar intake yesterday), so I sent myself to bed (plus we had to get up early to get to the meeting place for walking). I would imagine I'm also happy that I didn't overeat at all yesterday, had my servings of fruit and veggies, and no desserts/extra snacking. Woohoo xena!

A fellow officemate is ordering out from the new ch1l1's that just opened up by us....I'm having a difficult time declining, especially since I *love* their s0uthw3stern 3ggr0lls! I will also order a salad to round it out. Tonight is half a big bean/cheese burrito and some baby spinach. My last red bartlett pear and an orange; a granola bar; soy yogurt. I have some little gouda cheese wheels. I'm drinking water. Oh, and the inevitable coff-cino (2 parts coffee/1 part teecino, soon to be 1 part coffee/2 parts teecino).

Planning to ellipt/lift tonight; there is also yoga, but I need a good cleansing cardio workout. These demons inside are still racing around, tightening my throat and building up in my solar plexus. I need a good primal screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!

I can't wait for this long weekend. 267 more days to go until freedom! 1 week until school orientation! It feels good to feel positive and energetic again - I've missed it more than I can say.

Grumpy

Normally my favorite dwarf is Sleepy, but I am so very grumpy these days. I was off/on last night, but ended the night in a really bad mood and it wasn't much better this morning. *sigh* My bf is perplexed, and I feel bad for him, but I am just in a lousy mood that has nothing to do with PMS. I did have a few scoops of B&J which is better, so much better, than the whole pint. I didn't eat anything else after dinner/that, even though I was feeling hungry a couple of hours later.

I did go to yoga as well, although I feel as though I've strained my right hamstring. I'm trying to stretch it out. Tonight is no workout, so it has a chance to rest at least.

1.5 pancakes for breakfast (with syrup, bien sur! and a (non-syrup) strawberry or two) and coffee-cino (still at 2 coffee/1 part teecino) w/cream & sugar. Another pear and an orange for snacks, some soy yogurt, granola, my curry from yesterday. Drinking water and tracking my food again.

We'll see about that pound!

As for the emotional stuff, I just need to ride through it, feel the feelings, as yucky as they may be, and keep moving ahead. And not eating them into submission!

Lights out, uh-huh!

My intentions were good. I left the house with an orange and a red bartlett pear, some leftover chix curry with tons of veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, different colored peppers) (homemade, no less, although the curry sauce was a packet and I mixed in a can of cheddar cheese soup), and a strawberry yogurt cup. Oh, and the coffe-cino (2/3 coffee 1/3 teecino).

Then the lights went out at work. For almost 2.5 hours. So I "snacked" on some sn1cker's mini's (5? 6?). And then they ordered in pizza for lunch (paid for by the company) and that's what I had instead. Two pieces of feta/tomato/spinach (2 veggies, right?!). And some ginger ale. *sigh*

The scale was screaming 180 this morning, which is amazing because yesterday I was at 177 - WTF?!

Not a good start to the day.

But I don't need to let it derail me for the rest of the day and night, right? RIGHT?

I still have my fruit and yogurt. Dinner is the leftover camping hot dogs with a nice green salad. I still have yoga at 6:30. I'm ok.

Emotions-wise, I was in a pretty sucky place last night and this morning. The bf said I was "surly", even. I am sure it's my reaction to looking down the barrel of getting back on the healthy track and not using food to comfort me. I know the tools and tricks and techniques of "what do I do instead of eating", but actually *using* them is another story. I am very glad I went to yoga - it certainly helped me calm the eff down and breathe a bit. I was still in a crappy place afterwards but a helluva lot better than if I had not gone at all. I *didn't* have the B&J pint (or anything, for that matter) after dinner. That's a very good thing, ms. xena. I cleaned up the kitchen and went to bed instead.

I brought my journal to work and ended up journalling a bit in the dark, which was helpful to let go of some more of my yucky feelings. A few surprising things spilled out of my pen - that is always an interesting and revealing deal. "Is that what was/is inside me?!"

I was planning on losing a pound this week, but I don't even know what my baseline is. I would imagine the 178 is more likely, but the 180 surprised me today. We'll see what happens. I just need to keep feeling those feelings. BLECH!

Back on track, Day 1

Saturday & Sunday were just practice days. Here is my 2-week countdown to school starting, and I got the bf engaged in the process of returning to saner eating.

Exercise: Saturday I did a little walking during the scout camping trip and two ups at the mostly-kid kickball game. Sunday I went to afternoon yoga and had some nice strenuous pose-holding - I feel it today! Tonight is gentle yoga, and I plan to walk during the son's clarinet lesson. Tomorrow night yoga again.

Food: I had hoped to prep some lunches for myself but the weekend was hectic. I have food planned out for dinner tonight and took an inventory of my pantry to see what meals I can make up. I know I have some greens, peppers, cauliflower, broccoli in the fridge too. I had a banana with breakfast and an apple; a blt (green leaf lettuce and tomato are vegetables, eh?). A coffee that was mostly decaf - I need to get the teecino together tonight. I know this will be a challenge for me (to get off the coffee).

Challenges include:

• not going out to eat - usually leads to poor choices and too much $$$
• cutting out and then eliminating coffee
• preparing the food that I buy
• eating the prepared food!
• panicking because I'm trying to "eat better" and therefore is a perfect opportunity to sabotage myself
• not eating my emotions - work still sucks

I'm trying to do this from a place of love instead of "I HAVE to do it, wah wah wah". Wish me luck.

Best. Dinner. Ever!

B&J V3rmonty Pyth0n. The whole damn pint. Mmm-hmm!

Hey, at least I went to gentle yoga first.

Munching on an apple now; multi-grain cereal w/soy milk for breakfast, and regular coffee. These next two weeks are going to be challenging. I question why it takes a deadline to spur me into action, but I know it's true for many folks. I want to be eating healthy/off coffee by the time I start school on June 6 - ideally by orientation on June 1.

Potentially no exercise today except maybe walking around our town's carnival tonight, assuming this rain stops in time. Tomorrow I have a massage (yummmm) and then we leave for camping overnight with the scouts. I could play whatever games are organized and get some exercise that way. Sunday is the daughter's softball game early on (again, assuming the weather holds up), so perhaps I could get over to the Y. Ooh, I think there's even a 4:30 yoga class?!

I've been hovering around 178-179, and scared of hitting 180 again. Apparently not scared enough to not eat a whole pint of ice cream, though. Things were stirring up at work yesterday, and also on the family front (two relatives not getting along and me in the semi-middle; I am good at keeping my boundaries and staying neutral - I am definitely proud of myself for how far I've come - it is still upsetting, though), so I guess I'm not surprised.

My desire to get to work these days is zilch - it almost feels like depression. *sigh* I can't wait for school to start!!!!!!!

Enjoy your weekends, and stay dry...xena

Countdown

'til school starts: orientation 2 weeks from tonight!
'til work ends: 272!

Of course, this means I'm supposed to be "off" coffee in two weeks, and I'm not looking forward to it. I keep flirting with the teecino but my daughter has been making coffee every morning before I get up and doesn't use the teecino. I guess I need to make it the night before so all she has to do is start it. Don't ask why she's already drinking coffee (honestly, it's due to her dad's ethnic family).

Ellipted & lifted last night. Lackluster workout on the elliptical - I was tired and fighting off a headache. I skipped legs to get my arms/chest in since I haven't done much since last weekend. We did walk most evenings to check out the flooding, so that was something.

After the y, we went out for pizza/subs. Not so healthy. Leftovers today, as well as an offsite seminar with custom-made omelets (yum!), bacon, potatoes (only had a couple of chunks) and fresh fruit. and coffee, no surprise.

There's a new gentle yoga class thursday nights, so I think I will go tonight. I have to shop for camping this saturday (insane, but I'm sure it will be fun) for the scouts, and won't have time before then, so won't be eating too healthy this weekend either.

It would be prudent to get my act together. How do I say that in a non-judgmental way?

Water, water, everywhere...

and I'm not even thirsty. I have a flooded river about 3 houses down from me, and praying that we're uphill enough to make it through the next few days. It's fascinating and terrifying and alive.

My exercise last night was walking with the kids and bf to check out all the flooding. It wasn't flooded on our street last night, so this has all happened in the past 18 hours, and it's still rising. Saturday I had an abbreviated workout at the Y (elliptical/shoulders/back).

Nothing planned for today - probably not going to make it to yoga tonight due to the weather/flooding. Hoping that our electricity/gas etc. holds up. There was no school today and I'm wondering about tomorrow too.

I hit an extreme with eating on Friday and have been better since then. It was certainly PMS that had me craving sugar. I did some journalling on Saturday about fear and what has been bugging me. Having some homemade-by-my-friend chix/broccoli/carrot soup and crackers. Dinner will be corn on the cob, grilled chix, maybe broccoli/green beans. One day at a time.

Jittery

Lots o' real coffee today, and I am a tad skittish and jittery. I can feel my anxiety returning by the slight claustrophobia I was feeling at a crowded meeting this morning in a stuffy, humid room. Blech! I know it's partially the caffeine/sugar, partially my mostly-yoga-not-as-much-cardio workouts, partially the inability to do my outside walks due to the rain/workload. I imagine my not-so-spectacular eating doesn't help either.

I also must be in pms mode, as all I wanted (and ate) yesterday was chocolate tripled. I did two massages last night (yeah!) and had more than half-planned to get yet more chocolate on the way home, but thankfully I was feeling calm and connected after giving the massages, so I am happy to say that I did not stop and get more. I am definitely feeling bloaty so hoping it *is* pms, and the scale was back up to 178.

I may go to the new gentle yoga class tonight - I've heard that this instructor does a lot of meditation, which I could certainly benefit from. It's hard to balance the cardio with yoga, but to be honest, I'm pretty wiped out from last night (I didn't get home until after 10:00) and the yoga would be better for me, I do think.

I'm not reporting on eating as I'm tired and disgusted and don't need/want to beat myself up. I did have lettuce and tomatoes for veggies :-)

I'm looking forward to a quiet no-kid weekend (yes, I do realize it's mother's day - scheduling-wise it worked out better to have the kids at their dad's this weekend, and *every* day is mother's day anyway, right? Har har har!) - my last quiet weekend before school starts!

It's Raining Men!

Hallelujah!

Just kidding. That would hurt, anyway. It is *pouring* here, and I love it! Most people are complaining about it, but I love the rain, especially when it's coming down in sheets and flooding the streets and lawns. So I'm a happy camper, which may be pissing others off. Ah well.

Yoga Monday & Tuesday nights. My left wrist is still twingey so I've been wearing a store-bought support brace during class so that I don't try to push myself too far. It's awkward to do downward dog, table, etc., but I'm trying to modify as much as possible. I hate it.

A quick walk during my seminar yesterday, probably only 10 minutes. They had cheesecake for dessert. I don't even LIKE cheesecake, yet I still ate about half of it. I wish I had known they were going to put out brownies/cookies at the afternoon break. I had one smallish chocolate chip cookie. And a lot of coffee. Tacos for dinner, and then a bowl of cereal since I was still hungry. My kale is rotting in the fridge - I should have bought frozen stuff instead.

No idea what's for dinner tonight, plus I have to give two massages this evening. And we ran out of fruit this morning after the kids' lunches, so I have no fruit and no lunch for today. But I do have my teecifee (2 parts teecino/1 part coffee). 3 weeks until school starts and my goal is to be off coffee/teecino/caffeinated beverages altogether.

I started up extra iron supplements since I found out my iron is still low, despite taking vitamins for the past 4 months - I can't wait to see what it does to my digestive system!!!

Still not looking too closely at my need to eat extra at night - I can tell there are emotions swirling around but am choosing to eat them into submission instead. *sigh*

Lookin' good

My mother, over the weekend, commented that I am looking good and should keep up the work that I've been doing. I'm not sure she knows what work I am doing? I'm sure it helped that I was wearing snug workout pants, since I often wear rather loose clothing. It's truly hard for me to watch my mother struggle with (adult onset) diabetes and her weight. She's struggled with her weight always. I'm guilty/ashamed to admit that there were times when I was embarrassed that she was my mom, mostly when we were around other parents who were healthy and fit. I've always worried that this is my destiny as well. It's hard to let go of that mindset, let me tell you!

I'm at 175 again, thankfully, but I'm still not feeling very trim, especially my jellybelly. The place where I always gain/retain (must be 'cause I'm a Cancer). The bf and I went for a nice bike ride through the local wooded trails, probably biked 45 minutes out of the 1.5+ hours we were out. There were some tough hills, plus we stopped by the little river to rest and enjoy nature. I also gave a massage on Saturday, so that was a good workout & reconnection for/to myself. Yesterday I didn't do anything active, which was just what I needed - I actually slept until almost ELEVEN o'clock, which I haven't done in ages! Of course, I was up after 2 a.m., but still....we sat in the sun to watch my daughter's softball game, and then went out for corporate pizza with the ex and his family. Surprisingly, it wasn't painful. Mostly due to the fact that their adorable 11-month-old baby boy was a very pleasant distraction/object of our focus. Usually, spending time with the ex makes me want to escape as fast as possible. I am surprised I didn't overeat on pizza (which I love!) - I guess that his hold on my emotions has faded significantly, which is a HUGE change for me, and a very welcome one at that!

Lessee - eating....Friday night I had ice cream (and worked out on the elliptical and chest/arms - that counteracts the ice cream, right? Right?!); I can't remember what I had after I got home from the gym. I don't remember being very hungry. If I were still tracking my food, I would know what I had. Saturday was bagel w/bacon/egg/cheese for breakfast & lunch, a granola bar, an orange, and then leftover fish with evil premix rice/sauce and some carrots/cukes/grape tomatoes. Then we went to the grocery store, and the bf was pining for chocolate, which is extremely unusual for him. For me? A daily thing, practically. I think I used his weakness to indulge in my own temptations, and bought a bag of chocolate-covered pretzel balls and a pint of B&J. The candy is almost gone today, and the pint is 1/3 gone. *sigh* I made the BFL protein pancakes yesterday, and they were actually not bad. The syrup was not so great, but it didn't absorb it like normal pancakes do, so I used less than I normally would have. Plus 2 pieces of bacon. Love the bacon. And tee-fee. Veggie pizza for dinner. Did I have 2 slices, or 3? I think that I had 2.5, plus a lemonade-flavored alcoholic beverage (wobbly pop).

Today I have the last slice of pizza, some carrots, an apple and granola bar, some soy yogurt. Tee-fee. I plan to go to gentle yoga tonight. Hopefully get outside for a 10-25 minute walk in the nice weather, since it's supposed to rain the rest of this week. Not that I mind walking in the rain - again, the Cancer that I am.

Review time

Since I spend a lot of time beating myself up here over my challenges (there I go again!), I've decided to review my progress and see what I'm doing RIGHT! Yeah Xena.

1. Taking my multi-vitamin (almost) every day. I wasn't doing this before kripalu in jan/feb, but have been since then - I bring it to work with me at the beginning of the week in a little baggie and take one each morning. Yeah Xena!

2. Walking outside almost every day. I decided that this spring would not be another lost 2 months like it has in the past due to my work/home schedule. I try to get outside every time it's nice, even for a few minutes. It's been helpful as well since I was sick for basically a whole month and couldn't do anything more strenuous. Yeah Xena!

3. Eating at least one piece of fruit each day. This has been more recent, and I've gone off/on this track over the years. This past week I've been averaging 2-3 pieces/day. Yeah Xena!

4. Eating veggies every day. Ditto from 3, although I've been doing slightly better with higher fruit numbers than veggie. I definitely do better when I'm bringing food from home or eating dinner there instead of going out. Yeah Xena!

5. Getting enough rest each night. This week has been a little tough, since we've been getting home late from the gym and/or softball and don't even have dinner sometimes until 8:00 or later, so the resulting cleanup etc. puts me into bed an hour or so later than I should. But I've been more aware of my energy level and getting into bed when I need the extra rest. Yeah Xena!

6. Doing yoga 1-3x/week. It keeps me sane. My left wrist has been achy for a few weeks now, so it's been challenging to do downward dog, table, etc. and I'm not sure if I'm making it worse by not babying it - I have to keep an eye on this one. Can't do massage without my wrist! Well, yes I could, but it makes things easier to be able to utilize it for some of the techniques. I've been in tears several times at the end in relaxation, and think it's mostly due to releasing the negative emotions that build up at work. Yeah Xena!

7. Trying to "feel" my emotions as they are happening, and not "saving" (=stuffing) them for later. This can be really challenging for me. I don't like feeling yucky feelings. Eating chocolate makes it all better, even though it doesn't really. It sure feels good in the moment, though! Anyway, I'm working on this every day, and probably will be for a good portion of my life. But I'm proud of myself for taking this next step - it's huge! Yeah Xena!

8. Looking for/using healthier alternatives for me and my family. Although it's more expensive, I try to get organic and less-processed or not-at-all (it's really challenging with the kids' snacks for school). This is one area that worries me when I reduce my income in 281 days, but I will have my priorities. We don't really do vacation trips or expensive hobbies or spend a lot of our disposable income, except maybe going out to eat, so I think it will be fine - I'll just have to be more diligent about the sales, and look into more homemade things, assuming I have the time. Yeah Xena!

The List of The Things That I Would Like To Add To My Successes:

1. Daily or regular meditation. So far I'm doing it once/weekend, which is a step in the right direction. Go Xena!

2. More water. I don't do awful in this area, and I don't drink much outside of water and coffee/teecino anyway, but I would like to be more consistent. I'm good about bringing water when I do yoga or ellipt/lift weights. At work it depends on what is going on, so I would like to bring more awareness to this. Go Xena!

3. Brushing/flossing every night. I was in this habit when I got back from kripalu, but it has gone by the wayside, especially the flossing. I feel taken care of when I do this before bed, so I would like to bring the habit back. Go Xena!

4. Not buying junk food for the house. Mostly it's been ice cream, which I could eat every single night. If it's there, I will usually eat it and not portion it out, or even if I do, I go back for more, so just not having it available at all is what works for me for now. I can go out for a cup of it now and then instead of having it be a nightly habit. Go Xena!

5. Keeping up with my paperwork. My kitchen island is my clutter hotspot, as FlyLady would say (she's a little zealous but I like many of her housekeeping techniques) - the place where the mail and bills and kids' school papers/notices/etc and my projects all end up. Once the pile starts, it often increases exponentially like little bunny rabbits in the rapture of spring. How it does this continues to be a mystery, but happen it does. It contributes to my feeling when I first get home of "why the hell bother - just have a sitdown and chill, babycakes", which doesn't work well for me most of the time. I have it mostly under control right now but there are a few things that I need to take care of before it multiplies again. Go Xena!

I think those are reasonable goals. Of course, once school starts, I don't know what will get pushed to the wayside, but I hope to start off with a clean slate on June 1!

GO XENA!

Dang whippersnappers!

Taking over allll of the elliptical trainers, and I swear they were all teens. Nothing against teens, of course. I just prefer the elliptical over the treadmill, and would whine the same about anyone domineering the machines. It was pretty full yesterday in the gym; I know it partly was because of the time of day (after work) but probably also because it has been raining, so the outdoor runners were probably staying inside. Ah well. The treadmill still is a good workout, especially when I crank the incline and alternate that with 1-minute running intervals every 5 minutes, but I don't get the same distance in the same timeframe and don't seem to get as good a workout. I'm not able to run for long periods of time yet as the shin splints are still there.

I did end up lifting legs yesterday. I don't know if it's because it's been a month since I did it, but I could probably go up a few pounds on my quad lift and hamstring press, which was surprising to me. I would have thought that I would have lost some strength in the month, but maybe all my walking has kept it going. I am still getting the strange twinge at the top of my thigh - I think it's where the hamstring comes off the pelvic bone. Ask me in a month, when I start A&P and can tell you origin/insertion! Anyway, I seem to get it after I have done the running intervals (post-workout). I do stretch, so I'm not sure how to combat it. I don't get it on the elliptical.

Eating was ok. I did eat too many stac3y's cinnamon pita chips waiting for the bf to get home to go out to dinner. We had a drink (on a school night? Naughty Xena) and a roll & mini-corn muffin before dinner even arrived, so I only ate about 1/5 of it before I was getting uncomfortably full (I guess I should have refrained from stealing some of the kids' ff). I was proud of myself for actually STOPPING at that point. I had the rest (salmon with sweet potato crust, rice & beans, and squash/zucchini/carrots - yummy!) for lunch today. Nice job! I did get hungry about 2 hours later last night, though, and had a bowl of ginger granola w/unsweetened soy milk. Ah well.

Had tee-fee this morning, but my gf here at work brought in coffee for me, so am enjoying that sinful treat now. I had 2 (:-() bowls of the ginger granola (which is extra not-so-good, since granola is higher in calories/fat than my normal cereal) w/unsweetened soy milk for breakfast. An orange with lunch, and a granola bar so far. Tonight will be the dinner-we-were-supposed-to-have-last-night and making the halibut for the bf/me for the weekend.

Walked outside today for 20 minutes. Didn't even remember yoga again this morning, but I was up 'til midnight last night and wouldn't have made it anyway, but I'm amazed at my awful (selective?) memory with this yoga class. Daughter has softball tonight so no gym. Probably will gym it tomorrow night and hopefully yoga or gym on Saturday since it's supposed to be back to the rain. I bought some egg whites & cottage cheese to make the BFL pancakes that Diet Woman recommends, so will try that recipe out this w/e...have to be careful not to drown it in syrup!

Too Ate Three

days left! Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

har har!

Yoga last night (I was actually wishing it was more vigorous than it was; I also felt pretty tight in my twists, wah) and walkies on Monday. Elliptical/legs tonight. I've been debating doing upper body instead, even though it is technically the legs' turn, since I feel as though my walking etc. has been neglecting my upper body. But the legs are good too, so I will most likely do those.

Food is finally getting back in shape (ha!). Lots o'carbs last night (pasta w/mushrooms/tomatoes, garlic toast, a few slices of orange (plus I snuck a few bites of my son's ice cream); also there was broccoli and a tablespoon of PB). Tonight is skillet chix on spinach, some salad and carrots and mashed cauliflower. Lunch is probably eggplant parm from the cafeteria - I love me some eggplant. Apple, orange, granola bar. Back on the tee-fee, half & half split today.

I've been trying to figure out why, when I get home, the tiredness and "I don't wanna" feelings hit. It's almost like a mini-depression. Maybe it's "I just worked my full-time job, now I have to work my part-time mommy job, which can be so much harder sometimes". I don't feel like making dinner, or cleaning up afterwards, or doing much of anything except sitting and playing hand-held T3tris or watching a S1mpsons dvd or just vegging out. It feels like there is so much that needs to get done and not enough time to do it and still have time to chill. Last night we got home around 7:45 after yoga (had not been home since work/daycare), and I made dinner and the kids did their homework and my honey started to make some fish for our lunches, and by the time everything was done it was 10:00, plus I still had to pay a bill and get the tee-fee ready and do a few dishes, and the dishes were *still* not completely done. *sigh* So it was 10:30 and my back hurt and I hadn't sat down all night except for eating dinner. I know it's tough getting home so late, but I wasn't willing to give up yoga.

I'm proud of myself for making a relatively healthy dinner. And paying the bill and doing the paperwork that needed to get done and getting the lunch food started and the kids and...

At least the scale is back down to 175 - hopefully due to the walking and other exercise, and improved/ing eating. I didn't even want to get on it, but I'm glad to see that number again. I did get another compliment from a coworker, that my face looks like it has thinned out. Woohoo!

Let's keep it up Xena, eh?

This place really makes me sick, way-oh, way-oh

I *so* do not want to be here at work today. Or any day for that matter. Only 285 more business days to go! It was extremely difficult to get up this morning, and I didn't even make it outside for either of my kids' bus pickups. Worst. Mom. EVER!

What a great weekend, though. Friday night I ellipted again and did shoulders/back, and it felt terrific to be challenging my muscles again. I was very sore this weekend, but it was a good sore, if you know what I mean. Saturday morning yoga (I did buy another 2-month pass, yeah!) was quite vigorous and she had us holding half-plank for hours - it was wonderful! Yes, I am sick and twisted, but I loved it! Then we did a bike ride through some local wooded trails, and I was very impressed with how well I did going uphill - I was beating the pants off the kids and kid's friends that were with us, mwah-ha-ha-ha-HA!

Sunday was a hike through another local wooded trail, and I tried to kick it up a notch a few times by running up the hills and not killing myself on the rocks/tree roots. Then we sat in the warm sun/chilly breeze to watch my daughter's first softball game. She did really well, given it was her first time on a team of fairly-seasoned girls - she's the athletic one out of my two kids (although my son can hold his own with running etc. - he hates losing, though, so doesn't do well with the team sports).

I was pretty exhausted early evening yesterday, but still had to go to the story for some much-needed groceries. I didn't get to prepare anything last night but have a plan for tonight's dinner (grilled chix/salad/sweet potatoes) and then will spend the evening preparing food for the rest of the week - I finally sat down and planned out all the meals, so that felt great - now I just need to cook/prepare them!

I fell off the meal-tracking wagon pretty quickly, but hopped back on yesterday. I also sorted through a lot of paperwork this weekend, which felt good, but now I don't want to do the couple things on my list for today, 'cause I don't WANNA. So there.

The scale is finally reflecting my crappy eating - I'm up to 178. I'm amazed that it took as long as it did but certainly not surprised. I feel as though I've gained more than that, so I've probably lost muscle in the process. I had a dream last night that my arms were finally skinny - it was really weird - I could feel them as if they were real. It's not like my arms are huge now, but they are definitely bigger than they were in the dream, and could stand to get more toned.

No yoga tonight due to son's pack meeting, but I do plan to walk outside during his clarinet lesson. I brought my raincoat in case it's raining so that I don't have an excuse! Tomorrow night I plan to go to yoga, and Wednesday, to the elliptical/weights. I'm getting a paranoia case about Thursday morning six a.m. yoga, but I'll put it out there to myself once again this week.

I start school in a month, so would like to get in as much exercise as possible/get a routine going again now that I'm finally feeling better. That way, when school starts, I will have the energy that I need to juggle work/school/family/exercise/eating right! Ditto for the food. And off the coffee (no cream at home this weekend so I resorted to instant coffee with nondairy creamer/sugar/flavoring all premixed). Again.

I picked up a copy of our town's conservation trails in a cute little guidebook format, and my plan is to try a trail or two a week for the whole spring/summer (that's the trail we did yesterday, and I also discovered that the trail we did saturday is included, so I guess we've done 2 trails so far!). I'm impressed and happy that they exist, and always surprised at how easy and quick it is to "get away" and "get into nature", and still be right next to civilization. I do so well when I reconnect with nature - it makes me feel peaceful, grounded, and that all is well with the world. Probably because it doesn't include people, har har har.

Sorry for the long post, but I'm glad to be moving ahead again after feeling off-track and stalled this past month. I need to take care of myself so that I can make it through work without strangling someone or blowing my stack. *sigh*