Knock Knock. Who's There? Dwayne. Dwayne Who? Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

Yes, feeling just a TAD BIT OVERWHELMED HERE, thanks ever so much. *sigh* I suppose that could possibly, maybe be slightly related to being gone for a month, eh?

But hey, I'm at 175 pounds now!!!! So if I can just keep that going, or at least maintain it, that will be a comfort. 21 pounds down from my starting weight last November. 21 frickin' pounds!!! DUDE!

It's nice to have clothes that (almost) all fit again! It's nice to feel good in them, not pulling at the waistband or tugging at the shirt hem or just feeling squeezed like a sweet italian sausage.

I signed up for the new batch of yoga classes at the Y last night, and I really like the instructor on Monday nights. She does something similar to kripalu yoga, which is what I was doing this past month while I was away. Gentle, stretching, releasing, ahhhhhhh.

I can only make Monday or Tuesday nights, Thursday morning, and Saturdays, but if I can make 2-3 classes a week, I'll be very happy. I don't want to give up on the weightlifting and especially cardio, since yoga isn't usually cardiovascular in nature. I haven't taken the other days yet though, so I may be wrong!

My eating has been quite well-behaved. Lots of veggies (roasted a whole big casserole dish of 'em this weekend, and even the bf had a serving voluntarily!), fruits, beans, some yogurt. Not a lot of sugar. No coffee except at an offsite meeting last Friday. I'm very proud of myself!

Tune in next week when TOM kicks in - sure to eff up the previous paragraph! Live and in color!

I hope to post more soon, especially about what I learned while I was away, and what I am incorporating into my life to keep on this healthy path. But first I have to claw my way back to the surface - can somebody please shut the water off NOW?!?!

"I'm scared!"

Yes, fear is what is coming up for me big time. Fear of gaining back the weight that I've lost, fear of plunging face-first into a box of suzie-cues (I could asphyxiate on the wrappers!), fear of drowning myself in sugared & creamed coffee every morning, fear of wanting more more more, of nothing filling the void within, fear of failure. I'm also looking at a career change to massage, and that freaks my sh*t out even more! Fear of losing the security/comfort that I have with my current non-massage job, fear of my kids not getting a good education because I can't afford to live in the town we live in now, fear of failing at massage - what if I can't get any clients? What about health insurance? What about a stable paycheck? How will I be able to afford organic food and occasional skiing and all the million things the kids need? Not to mention rent and utilities.

I don't like being scared. It's a yucky, breath-stealing, gut-crunching, trapped feeling. Logically I know that I will be fine, but try telling that to the rest of me.

All I can do is take it a day at a time, a meal at a time, a workout at a time, a chocolate bar at a time. So right now I'm going to have my lentil & vegetable barley organic soup, my ry-vita crackers and cheese for lunch. I've brought my workout stuff for after work. I have my banana for later. I'm good for the moment. Deep breath.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Body fat lies


So I went for my body fat analysis, and apparently, despite my 13 pounds lost since my last analysis in December, I have *gained* a percentage. It makes NO sense! I may have lost some muscle while at yoga-world, but not 13 pounds worth! I feel tighter, I look/am smaller (clothes don't lie, for sure). It makes no sense. It's hard not to question the ability of the person doing the measurements - the same person each time, although I don't believe they do the analysis very often, so maybe they need more training. But I'm *paying* for the service, so I would appreciate some ability in that area. I don't know what else to say. I really thought this was a foolproof way to measure my fat loss (vs. overall weight loss, especially since I'm weightlifting and I know that muscles weigh more than fat). Ah well. I did schedule another 6 weeks out, but if the numbers continue to fluctuate like that and not make sense, I may abandon the idea and go by my clothes/how I feel.

Which is what I should do anyway. Does any of it matter if I don't feel energetic/healthy? I don't think so. I've been pretty wiped since I returned, mostly because I don't FEEL like working/doing bills/housework, y'know, the real life stuff that I haven't *had* to do for 4 weeks.

Anyway, I can't remember the last time I was under 180 lbs? Probably about 3 years ago during my karate black belt training, and that didn't last long. I'm at 178 now, so I'll enjoy it while it's here. I hate to be pessimistic, but it's hard when the patterns keep re-emerging, even if they are decreasing.

I'll have to consult my calendar, but I did a bunch of yoga, walked up/down countless flights of steps, walked around the Berkshire countryside, hit the fitness room a few times, and massaged my little heart out, which has to be a serious calorie-burner given how hot I would get every time. Took my vitamins every day. Ate vegetarian almost the whole time (had a few eggs, some tilapia/cod along the way). I've eaten more veggies in the past month than I have in the past year!!! And inspired to make more bean dishes, despite the boisterous side effects.

I also learned how to listen to my body again. When my stomach said "please stop eating now, I've had enough", I would stop. It was SO VERY difficult to do that. "But, I still have food on my plate, dear stomach!" I wasn't a member of the clean-plate club, but I don't like to waste food, and even if I hadn't taken a lot, if I was full, I had to stop - that was my self-promise. "But, dear stomach, you've hardly consumed anything, and lunch isn't for 4.5 hours! What will you do if you get hungry during that time?! We'll starve!". No, dear Xena, you will not starve, nor did you. In fact, you were pleasantly hungry when lunch did arrive, and didn't the food taste so much better? Isn't your body smart smart smart? "Yes, but..."

*sigh*

But nothing, dear girl. Didn't you learn that your body is different every day, has different needs depending on your own needs, emotional, physical, spiritual? Some days you can get by on a few handsful of food, other days you need more fuel (editor's note: *good* fuel, of course!). You experienced for yourself how little you ate some days, and yet still did yoga and massage and stairs and walks - spiritually/emotionally nourished. That's what helps to fill the endless void inside, yes? Yes indeed. So let's keep filling it up, eh?

Since I've been home, I'm back at the Y (3 times now) and I bought a cardio hip hop (so fun, so incredibly goofy - at least it's challenging; I'm just thankful we don't have a webcam hidden in the living room...or do we?) DVD that I did last night, and a tribal bellydancing DVD with yoga warmups - what more could a girl ask for? Oh yeah - a personal chef and yoga instructor, how quickly we forget!

It's great to be lifting weights again, and the new session of yoga starts up again next week at the Y, so it'll be a nice balance (no pun intended).

My challenge now is to work in some daily meditation time; I bought both an AM and a PM guided meditation CD, and I think they've got 10 minute segments, so that is just right for now. One step at a time, darlin'.

I'm baaaaaaaaack!

*sigh* and I don't wanna be here, waah waah waaaah.

In short, it was the best decision that I've made in a long time, and so totally worth the sacrifices that I had to make to be away from my home/partner/kids/job for a month.

And I lost ten pounds!

Now I just need my own personal chef and yoga instructor, and 4 flights of stairs to walk up and down countless times a day, and I should be able to maintain that.

Body fat analysis tomorrow morning - can't wait to see what those results are!

More later - Missed reading everyone's blogs, and am interested to see what has been happening with y'all. Ciao for now!