TGIF, man!


Yes, last day at work for a month!

I can tell I'm getting stressed. So far today I've eaten 1.5 donuts, and I didn't have any "good" food to bring from home for lunch, so I had tuna w/BLT on a sub roll. Sheesh.

But STILL NO COFFEE!!!!!!

I've been so very tempted.

I rollerbladed last night at the school party, and had fun getting pushed around the rink by my kids, and wobbling to today's hit music, and eating rollerrink pizza and stealing sips of my kids' fire-engine-red-"cherry"-slushees. Good clean fun had by all! We went to a well-known chain with numbers in its name, two of the same numbers, in fact, for dinner. I had a tilapia sandwich w/lettuce & tomato, and ate hardly any of the whole-wheat roll, but I did eat some FF, and one of my daughter's buffalo wings. And I stopped when I was getting full. Good xena!

Tonight will be all about working (probably late) to get my ducks in a row before I depart, and then going home and doing the same, mostly laundry, packing, and bills. I'm getting excited and nervous and anxious and hyper. I'm really going to miss my bf and kids, but I know it's going to fly by. I hope to return a calmer, more centered, lighter, more toned chickee with a consistent daily spiritual/meditative practice, and a yoga-meister!

In case I don't get to say good-bye for now - I'll miss reading your posts, and miss making my own, but I'll see you next month!

Xena

Not-so-blechyyyyyyy


Yes, I'm finally feeling a little more normal. Still not 100% but definitely on the upswing. Yeah! Now when can I go back to the gym???

Not tonight, that's for sure. Instead, we're going to the school rollerskating party, where I will strap on my blades and do a few turns until I feel like passing out, which probably won't take very long. That's exercise, though, so I'll take what I can get.

Still eating soup and stuff, although we had no power for more than 3 hours last night, so we did very naughty takeout, mostly fried delicious stuff. Bad xena! But still off the coffee, even though my morning meeting had it available. Good xena! Still a little headachy, but that could be from being sick as well.

Blech part II


Still feeling yucky, but marginally better than yesterday. My eyes are killing me - they're burning and feel sandy, and I'm still congested. Was in bed by 9:00 last night and could have slept more this morning...ah well.

More detox tea (blech) and sinus meds this morning - I did a good job yesterday with upping my fluid intake and plan to do the same for today.

No gym for me, and this kinda scares me. It feels like it could easily tumble into "no gym for a long time", although I am leaving sunday for yoga-world and therefore I won't be tumbling, but it does bring up some fear, and the reminder of how many times I've started/stopped before. It feels different this time, though.

My biggest issue is food, anyway, not the exercise (although that does help with my anxiety challenges, and I really notice it when I've not been exercising for a few weeks). It will be interesting to see how it goes with the mostly-vegan food for the next month, no refined sugars, but there-is-always-the-snack-bar-with-the-natural-chocolate-chip-cookies! There won't be much in-between snacking or late-night eating, so it should be a month of learning for me.

I'll miss posting, but plan to be journalling on my own during the next month. I'll especially miss reading about how everyone's efforts are going!!!

Blechhhhhhhhhhhhhh


I feel like crapola today. Came home last night and went straight to bed after popping some sinus stuff and a miracle-in-a-throat-lozenge. Woke up all night intermittently, sweaty, congested, miserable. Not feeling much better today (good thing it's a no-gym day anyway) but can't go home. Wah.

I guess going off coffee is going to suck even more, but at least I already have a headache. I'm drinking down detox tea, and hating every gulp of it. Oh, and did I already mention BLECH?

In The Name Of Love - MLK Day


Monday here, no one at work 'cept me & my assistant. Nice and quiet, which is perfect for getting caught up before I go away for the month!

Saturday I did go to the gym, and although my eyes were killing me from all the crying, I was still plenty energetic. Unfortunately all the ellipticals were taken, so I was "forced" to try out the arc machine. I had no clue what I was doing, and probably looked a bit goofy until I got the hang of it. I didn't like it as much - my legs wanted to do more of a circling motion, but it seems to have more of a stepping motion, and you had to lean waaaay forward to grab the heartrate handles. It still got the heartrate up, but I prefer the elliptical. On to shoulders/back, where I inadvertently grabbed the 10's instead of the 8's, and was wondering why I was having a challenge. I was actually able to do all of the shoulder presses, but had to back off to the 8's when I got to the front raises etc. It's good to challenge myself, and even better when I don't know I'm doing it, since the brain is such a powerful tool to motivate/demotivate. I am concerned that I will lose some of my strength after a month of doing just yoga (although I think the place has a small weight room; I just don't think I'll have time since the massage program is so intensive...we'll see), but I am almost positive it will return quickly once I get back.

Sunday I made it (barely) to the cardio kickboxing. It was good to be punching & kicking again, although I've certainly lost my height in my kicks. It probably didn't help that the pace was a bit fast for doing proper kicks. My lower abdomen and obliques are sore today from the ab work-i-lates at the end of the class. I usually work longer/harder in a class setting than I do on my own. Peer pressure etc. is a powerful motivator for me!

I also worked out this morning, yeah! Elliptical (where were all the Resolutionaries, hmmmmm? I guess it's a holiday for a lot of people, but still) - that's when I found out that my legs were a bit sore, especially hamstrings. Legs on the weights, and those were good - it was the right move to up my weights, as I felt more challenged. It was getting late at the end of the workout, and I was supposed to do some ab mat work, but decided to get going instead. That was hard for me, since I tend to be a perfectionist, and if the sheet says I'm supposed to be doing ab mat work, then by golly I better get it done or the workout doesn't count, right? RIGHT???? Yes, I'm working on that, thanks.

Eating has caught up with my scale. I'm hovering around 189 again. Chinese during the Pats game (*sob* what a disappointment. The game, not the food), and then leftovers yesterday, no fruit, no veggies. Going out for lunch today and thai tonight, so I can work some veggies in there. Granola/yogurt/2 slices bacon (!), and some coffee. Today's my last day "on" coffee, so the rest of the week should be a *joy*!

Walking in the Rain, but not singing

(warning: long post, not much fun)

Wow, a lot of pain today. I woke up sad and with a lump in my throat. I can’t remember my dreams, but know that the last one was fairly intense (but not necessarily in a bad or scary way, just strong, if that makes sense). I had to wake up early to meet my women’s group for breakfast, and it was dark and rainy. I love rainy days, but I really just wanted to crawl back under the covers, pull them up over my head and go back to sleep.

On the way to breakfast, I was listening to Don’t Drink The Water. It has always been a song that resonated with me, and I found the CD at the library so checked it out. It stirs me up. So gritty and painful. I guess I’ve always associated it with a romantic relationship that has broken up or he’s trying to break it up or whatever. It may have nothing to do with that, but that’s my interpretation. So I was crying a bit on the way.

During breakfast I was fine. I don’t think/feel like I was hiding anything from my girlfriends, but the casa internationale de pan-cakeys isn’t exactly conducive to intimate, tearful conversation.

Then I got back in my car to do a few errands, and was obsessively playing it over and over again, determined to dig into my sadness and hope for some explanation. I find that music really does the trick for me. It opens up sadness, despair, rage, unbelievable happiness and ecstasy. I love love love to dance, and always feel so un-effing-believably free. It is cathartic, gets the blood and juices flowing, and makes me feel very feminine and powerful. But sad or strong songs can get emotions going too, and I’ve spent many an hour weeping to moving music. Maybe the added benefit is the noise often masks my sobbing, so I don’t feel so self-conscious about it. In connection to this, I’ve been reading Gabrielle Roth’s Sweat Your Prayers, and really making some personal connections and revelations. Thank you, Gabrielle.

So I run my errands, listening to it in-between, and finally get on the road to go home. One last stop for gas, and as I’m on the exit ramp, with the music blasting and churning, it occurs to me that this song reminds me of the person that I’ve been struggling with in relationship, and as soon as I make that connection – SNAP – the floodgates burst open and the waterworks pour out. I am sobbing and heaving and feel like I’m going to yak again (like the other night, which again is very unusual for me when I have a crying jag). I can’t stop – thankfully the light was red and I could just let it all out. I can’t believe the meaning of the song in connection with this family relationship, and how much it represents what I’m feeling towards this person. I want to scream, pound things. Then I have to get out of my car and pump the gas. Thankfully it’s raining, so if anyone sees my tears, hopefully they’ll think it’s rain. Mostly, though, I don’t give a rat’s ass. Most people are too involved with themselves to notice what the hell is going on around them anyway.

Back in the car, more sobbing and heaving and feeling like I’m gonna Ralph. I can’t believe the pain, the anger. Goddess, it feels so GOOD to get it the hell out of me!!!!

So I get home, hoping for a few minutes more of emptying myself in the car before going in to face the fam, and the neighbors are home and they are at their kitchen table, which has a window that directly faces my car. Oh well, I don’t want to make a display in front of them.

So I go inside, and I’m crying, and the family is worried, etc. I tell my bf what’s going on with me, and he holds me, and I cry some more. It feels so good to get comfort – this was not something I got growing up. I had to comfort myself. I read a lot. Probably too much. Mostly old har-le-quins that my grandmother had given me, laughably outdated and prim compared to what was available at that time. I ate sweets more than I should have, and it has blown into a full-fledged binging problem at times now that I have the “freedom” to buy my own junk food (or not). I didn’t talk about it, I didn’t write about it (except once in a great while), I didn’t get it out. I just stuffed and stuffed it until I would have a 1-2 hour crying jag once every couple of months. Awful.

Since it’s my kinda day (rainy, somewhat cool, given it’s January in the northeast) and I have all this STUFF inside me, whirling and churning and begging for release, I go for a walk around the track across from my house. Walking and crying and crying and walking and choking, wondering if I am actually going to vomit from it all. It’s not like the feeling you get if you cry hard for too long, which I have felt before. It really was more like “I have this blackness, this swill inside me and it wants out now now NOW” – not nausea, but full-on expelling the poison. I don’t end up barfing, thankfully, because I hate hate hate barfing. I can’t every do it gently or quietly, and all these little blood vessels in my face break and I look like I have purplish dots all over my face and neck, and my throat feels like someone took sandpaper to it.

As I’m walking, the rain is coming down harder. I have no umbrella, no raincoat. I raise my face to it, cleansing, washing the tears and pain away. The rain soaks my hair, my clothes. Wash me clean – I think that’s from a k.d. lang song. I calm down, then more of the pain and sadness well up, up and out. I pull my shoulders back, opening up my chest (like in yoga), and the hurt pops out of it, spilling out of my eyes, sobs pouring out of my throat. UP and OUT. I do a body scan, trying to connect where the pain is, where I’m holding it in my muscles (thanks again Gabrielle Roth). The right side of my face feels heat, despite the chilly rain. My throat – my god, my throat. Constricted, tight, filled with a fist of emotion. My throat is my emotional regulator – it lets stuff out, if I allow it. It allows bad food in, if I stuff it along with the emotions. It also lets the good stuff in, and sings for me, and speaks my truth. I think I need to work on that chakra.

The grief seems to be residing below my sternum, right around my upper belly. Cloudy, a big bowl of blech sloshing around – it feels so endless, so deep, so infinite. A universe of pain, bubbling and blobbing. Sometimes it feels like it will never end, like I’ll start crying or screaming or whatever and never be able to stop. Similar to the emotional hunger that I try to diminish with comfort food, filling and filling and filling but never feeling full, just bloated and gross. Ugh.

There is a spot in my lower left hand back that often will be very twingey and tight when I am feeling emotional pain. I’m not sure if there was trauma to it at some point in my life, but I don’t remember anything specific. It may just be where I hold pain. I don’t feel it when I am getting massages or any time when I’m feeling ok, only when I’m hurting inside. I feel tightness in my hamstrings (always a tight area for me anyway) and stretch down to let it out. My hands feel fine, my feet feel fine.

I feel like running, so I do so for a little bit. The rain comes down harder, in sympathy or empathy, maybe? I’m pretty soaked by now, and starting to feel a little cold. I walk over to look at the stream next to the track. I love watching water. Oceans, lakes, streams, rivers. Even the water in my new washer, which is a front-loader and has a glass window through which I can watch my clothes getting washed. It calms me, centers me, comforts me. Stillness in the midst of the swirling eddies. Hmm. The trees and dead leaves smell so familiar, and it comforts me. Now I have to pee, and I’m thoroughly wet, but I do feel better. Not that ecstatic “ahhh” of release that I get from exercise, but more like the calm after the storm. Coincidentally (or not), the rain has subsided to an occasional drizzle, and I head home to get it out on virtual paper.

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So, in looking up the Don't Drink The Water song, I discovered it's about the displacement/slaughter of Native Americans. Ah well. I think music is out there for anyone's interpretation, and if I find meaning in it different than the artist intended, so be it.

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While I was getting ready to post this from word (so I wouldn't lose it halfway through purging), my sweet daughter brought in tea for me. Without me even mentioning it. She had tea for the first time the other day when she was sick. *sigh* I'm a lucky mom. The poor kids were probably confused and upset by my crying when I came home, but I explained that I didn't have a good relationship with this family member, and I was feeling sad. That's all I can do, and certainly a better role model for being present with your feelings, then dealing with them in a healthy manner. My son seemed to understand that I needed to get rid of some energy when I told them I was going for a walk. I am blessed.

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Swam last night, and did chest/arms. I didn't have good fuel in me (never did have my lunch, just cookies, bad xena), so I was quite shaky during the weights. Today's plan is to jump on the elliptical and purge some more yucky energy, and then hit my shoulders/back. Not literally, of course. Then tomorrow I want to try out the cardio kickboxing class in the morning. I'm not much of a "gym class" person, although I do admit I work harder when someone else is pushing me, and I've really been missing my karate.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Walkies


What a gorgeous week it's been. I did walk to the Y yesterday - each way is around a mile, so I'm at 16.03 miles this month! It was so loverly to walk outside with just a slight chill to keep it refreshing, and a good hill at the end (going). It was a terrific warmup to weights, although I was on "legs" for yesterday, so I'm a bit sore today, which is a nice change from feeling not-so-sore at all most days. I did up some of my weights, especially my calves. Last week I was swapping off (working in?) the calf machine with a guy that I often see in the free-weight room, and I would do my wimpy 30 and then he'd hop on and do that plus 100, so...I mentioned it, and he said he's been working out for a long time etc. He wasn't exactly bulky, so that just continues the notion that working out with weights doesn't make you bulky (unless you do like 2+ hours day serious training, of course)! I know it to be true for myself, but I am still surprised how many women (and men) think this is the case.

Then I went home (I was even sweating!) and lugged xmas decorations downstairs and other stuff up. Hmm, that could also be why I am sore now! Our storage area is pretty limited (can't use the basement since it gets wet down there) to our downstairs foyer, which is a good size for a foyer, but I had to rotate boxes etc. to get the xmas stuff at the bottom, so that was some great cardio as well.

I finally cleaned the house, so that made me feel so good today - I swear I wake up with more energy when the house is in order! I have to get organized before next Sunday, as that is when I depart for the month...I'll definitely miss posting. I don't think they have computers/internet connections there, which is honestly fine for me. I will truly be able to disconnect, minus a few calls to the family. I'm looking forward to it, and most especially to building a consistent daily spiritual/meditation/journalling practice.

Eating? Well, let's just say that the pint is already gone, no surprises there. Then there were cookies here at the office. Oy. Otherwise I had two salads yesterday, and fruit, and flaxseed oil. I need to eat lunch soon (greens/tuna/corn; yogurt/granola; blueberries). Breakfast was some kind of earthy-crunchy (har har) granola with pumpkin seeds, soy milk, blueberries. And coffee.

Tonight is chest/arms, then swimming with son and bf at Y. Yeah!

Does 1 minus 1 really equal zero?


I did do my yoga last night - go xena! After we left the concert and went to get some store-bought ice cream (in lieu of going out for ice cream, as has been our tradition after chorus/band concerts), I almost forgot that I was going to do yoga when I got home. I was a bit tired, and hungry, but kept firm in my resolve, which makes me proud of myself!

As always, it was wonderful to reconnect to my body and stretch and breathe and feel the heat moving into my shoulders, arms, legs. A different heat than I get from doing straight cardio on the elliptical or treadmill. I always feel so lovely, so *normal* when I finish yoga. Like I'm human again. Even if it brings up emotions, which it often does, but it gets them up and OUT. Yes, m'dear, this is the healthy thing that most healthy people do with their emotions. They feel them, and then they let them go. Why the hell is that so damn hard for me?????????

I did a DVD that I had borrowed from my mom (heaven knows she will probably never use it anyway, which makes me very sad) that was a far cry from the Denise Austen that I mentioned yesterday. It's from GAIAM, and it's Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss. Very gentle and calming, with 3 different modification levels, so I imagine it's great for beginners too. They talk you through the poses, and focus on body mechanics, which I love love love. That's one thing that Kripalu does that is terrific. "Push your right hipbone out. Lengthen along the spine. Push your left heel into the mat" etc. Just the things I need to make the pose that much better. This dvd doesn't have any downward dogs or balance poses, but it still got the blood moving and the muscles stretching, expanding, releasing. Ahhhhhh

So, now onto the -1 in the equation. *sigh* The ice cream. Good ol B&J, my buds. The kids and I couldn't decide on one flavor, so we ended up getting each our own pints. I'm sad to admit that I did get my own pint, knowing how terrible my willpower is when there are temptations in the house. The pint rarely lasts more than a few days, and I know it's well over a whole day's worth of calories, not to mention the sugar and fat. It's like I know I'll be going to Kripalu and eating well, so I have to get my junk fix now. How the hell did I learn this???

Thankfully my kids are in good shape, and for the most part we eat plenty of fruits/veggies/quality protein, and I try to buy organic/natural as often as possible (although it can get pricey, especially with two growing kids). They stay active and do skiing/boarding in the winter, and we try to swim at the Y once a week or so. I'm trying to break my childhood patterns of inactivity, too much red meat (usually hamburger in the helper mode), and lots of cakes/brownies/junky sugar foods around. And numbing/comforting/rewarding with food. I think I'm doing all right, but then when I have my mini-binges, what kind of example does that set?

I have to look at this long-term, and look at how far I've come. I naturally beat myself up real good, better than anyone else possibly could, and that doesn't help my personal growth at all. I am getting better at taking things day by day, but it's still not easy. I'm building the habits needed to succeed, but I am human and have to accept that I will make mistakes (NO!). I have made great strides in eating more veggies and fruit, and cooking alternative proteins, and not eating so much sugar. It's disheartening to think that this will probably be a struggle forever. *sigh*

I did eat well yesterday otherwise - greens/egg/avocado/flaxseed/veggies for lunch, and a banana, and yogurt/protein granola. I'm struggling with the "getting off coffee" goal, and am in fact drinking some right now. I need to recommit to this goal before the 22nd, when I leave for retreat-world. Same with the sugar, although that is connected to the coffee since I have real sugar (I dislike intensely the artificial sweeteners, yes I do) and half/half in it, which sets off the spiral.

Not sure about the exercise today. It's unseasonably warm here today, so maybe I'll do a short walk while the daughter is resting (we're home today since she's not feeling well), or run over to the Y for an hour. I don't want to get too excited, but this is the longest consistent period of exercise for me since I stopped doing karate 2 years ago! I feel good, and I feel more able to delve into the emotional issues that affect my eating and how I do or don't take care of myself.

*sigh*

Not so good with the titles...maybe if I write first and then name the entry, that would work better with (against) my an@l-retentive tendencies. Maybe.

No exercise last night, just lots of running-around-to-pick-up-the-kids. I'm sure that burns a ton of calories, right??? No? Hmm. I was pretty exhausted, and then a family member called to make an advance in our relationship (which I have been struggling with over the past year, mostly about childhood crapola), which was a positive thing, although I think this family member was probably encouraged by another family member, whose house they were at, to make this advance (since that's the normal process - goddess forbid this person think of it on their own!). I couldn't make the request work until I got back from retreat-land, but at least they are trying. However, it brought up all these feelings. Feelings that I have been feeling since I've been struggling, but they hurt and surprise just as much. My stomach started hurting, which I didn't immediately connect to the situation (since most people would view it as a positive request). I went to bed early, and was thinking about it, and started crying. I'm a big crier in general, although I have been doing it less and less often in the past few years. I'm hoping that is due to my work on "feeling the feelings" and not eating/stuffing them instead. So anyway, the crying was a little bit of a surprise, but I'm glad it came out. My stomach started hurting more, almost to the point of yakking (probably partially due to the hazelnut/cocoa spread of which I had eaten a few spoonsful). That's a new one on me. Not too surprising, since I am a Cancer and the stomach rules all things Cancer (that, and the moon). Guess where I gain weight first/lose weight last???? I did not yak, but it didn't feel good. I *did* make a connection, though, with the eating and emotions. It should be simple as pie (har har), but logic doesn't always meet emotion, and that is what drives most of my over/unhealthy eating. *sigh*

Workout plan is to do yoga (not Denise Austin, thank you very much!) tonight after the kid's chorus concert. We were up early to go out for breakfast before school, so I am hoping I don't crash after the concert! Plus planning the food so I'm not full during my session.

My pants are tight today - what a yucky feeling. I should have changed before I left the house, since I knew they were tight then, but I'm being stubborn. I'm mad that they don't fit (they haven't fit at all in quite awhile, so I'm at least making progress - I can button the damn things now), although my butt must be getting toned since they aren't tight around there, just the Cancer belly. Always with the belly.

Distance goals update - I've walked/run/ellipted 14.03 miles so far in 2006! Woohoo!

*sigh* this whole thing is long-term, isn't it? I mean the "getting healthy" deal. I'm not sure why I would expect that a weekend (plus) of lousy eating wouldn't catch up to me. My energy level sucks eggs right now, and the scale certainly isn't lying to me. I thought (or deluded myself, more like) maybe the working out would counteract it all, but no way, daisy may. I'm sure that if I were *not* working out, it would be much worse!

I had pizza about 1.5 hours before working out last night - bad idea. I know my body - I know that I can't eat anything before my workouts, especially something as heavy as pizza. Maybe an apple an hour before, but nothing heavier. I didn't yuke or anything, but I sure didn't feel so good jogging with a bowling ball in my belly. My shin splints were off/on, but I did 4 minutes total jogging during the 40-minute workout on the treadmill, and felt less full when I finished. Just think of what I could have felt like if I didn't eat first! Ah well, I have learned my lesson for now.

Worked on the back/shoulders. As I was struggling through my last rows, I decided that I should do those first next time as I wore my shoulders out with their own weight exercises. I usually do my bigger muscles first, but the free weight room was hella crowded (damn new year's and teenagers!)(only the teenagers that were on my machines, of course. No offense to teenagers in general. I was a teenager once.) so I did my shoulders in the other "girly" area first.
Shout out to YP - thanks for linking me up! If I could figure out how to get links on the right-hand side, I would do the same. It is so motivating to read what these chickadees are doing, and it keeps me going for sure. I look forward to checking in every day, and I'm going to miss doing that when I'm away for the month. No internet in retreat-heaven, baby!

Speaking of the retreat-time - I am so very psyched to be doing yoga daily with some amazing instructors. As one of them has said before (during a weekend R&R last June), they "cultivate the valley-um voice" - they are all so calm and centered and encouraging, and the yoga feels so "ahhhhh". The retreat center is absolutely gorgeous - in the loverly Berkshires, up on a big hill with an incredible view. I can't wait to take walks in the winter wonderland, expand, heal.

I've been trying to do yoga here and there to get ready for it, so that's what I'll be doing tonight.

I have greens and veggies for lunch, with an avocado and boiled egg (and flaxseed oil) for protein, so that is a good start to get me back on track with my eating! I need it.

!@#$%^&*()Monday! Blech.

At least I worked out this weekend. Friday night scout swim - wholesome fun was had by all. I almost killed myself on the way-too-bouncy diving board, but it was wicked fun! I was the only adult going off the board, so of course the adorable/bratty 8-12 year olds were egging me on. I refused to do a butt flop, although I ended up doing a couple of not-quite-full flips and landed on my back (oweeee!). No belly flops, thankfully. I also swam almost the whole length of the pool underwater, in answer to a challenge from my daughter's football chum. I think my last 2 months of working out has really improved my cardio!!! Go Xena!

Saturday was the elliptical - I'm still amazed at how sweaty I get and how my heart rate really gets up there (I try to stay under the 160's) - what a super workout. I need to figure out itunes so that I can make some workout CD's. Yes, people, I said *CD's*. My 6-month goal (which is around May 6) is to maybe get an eye-Pod. I have to pay for massage school, though, so I'm not sure where I'll be with this financially. Plus I'm so lazy when it comes to downloading songs etc. The CD deal really isn't so bad. It's so old school!

As is my band t-shirt from 1986 that I wore to the gym this weekend. Hee hee!

Sunday was...the elliptical! And sweating again like a mofo. Sat. I did my legs on weights, and Sunday was chest/arms. My right upper arm/shoulder was twinging on incline chest flyes, so I tried to back off since I don't want to get injured (thank you, FitJulie).

I'm not feeling very sore today, and I can't help thinking "no pain, no gain". I don't want to be immobilized, but it would be nice to feel some muscle soreness. I just upped my weights in the last week, so I thought that would do it. I do feel a little bit, so at least it's something. I can definitely *see* the difference, which is so effing cool!!! Little bumps and curves where once it was flabby and blobby. Woohoo, woohoo!

Eating is another story. 2 football games (go Pats!) and the accompanying junk food. Pizza, chips/dip, brownie bites, hard lemon-ade by that guy Michael, queso dip and tortilla chips. Shall I go on? I think not, especially since it's lunchtime. I have so much freakin' leftover pizza between my mom and the games that the kids will be begging for salad by Wednesday! And too much bleepity-bleepin' coffee. My system feels quite acidic right now, and I'm paying for it in ways too delicate to mention in this wholesome post. Plus TOM. Yee-ha.

Goals for the week - get off the coffee, you addict! That could prove to be uncomfortable - I get serious caffeine-withdrawal headaches, not easily combatted by tie-len-all and extra water, but that's the choice.

Cut down the sugar. I'm heading to massage school for a month (!) - it's residential, at a retreat center that has mostly vegan (read: no refined sugar) food and daily yoga, and I will be so much better off by cutting down the sugar and coffee before I go. Better to suffer through the withdrawal in the relative comfort of my known surroundings than in the midst of training in massage. I really really cannot wait to start, and I plan to work on some meditation/journalling habits while I am there so that when I come back, I can keep them going. I need to make this internal connection to my eating and my emotions/experiences...

Not sure if I'm working out today - my house is a disaster, and it spills over into other areas of my life.

GRRRRR!

I am in such a mood today. I should probably shut my office door before I tear someone's head off, because I wouldn't regret it until Monday. I'm sure it's just pee-em-ess, and naturally I forgot (at home) the herbal supplement I bought to counteract (hopefully) the worst of the symptoms. *growl* It certainly didn't help that the bf and I were arguing about money last night. Normally it's not an issue at all, but it just brings up all kinds of garbage from childhood/previous marriage. Yuck yuck yuck!!! I was in no mood to look at him or anybody this morning, but we have to paste on the professional face now, don't we???

So I'm sighing a lot and drinking coffee too much and trying to stay away from any other sugary foods since that will just make it worse. You can guess what I'm craving the most. Why does the body act so crazy and counter-intuitive sometimes? I hate being dominated by hormones. I can't *wait* for menopause!!!!! Judging by my mother, I'm in for a real treat.

Good news on dinner last night - we went out, and yes, we had dessert, but I ordered something fairly light for my entree (lettuce wraps with asian chix and veggies) so I didn't walk away feeling like I ate the table. Nicely done, number one!

We were out late last night so I didn't get up this morning for the gym; I woke up to that bleepity-bleep-bleep (hahaha) alarm clock in the middle of a nightmare about breaking into someone's crappy beach-house and they had babies in bowls of water (thank you, Michael Bay and The Island), then of course we got caught breaking in. The baby that we took out of the bowl of water was fine, so I wasn't particularly concerned about the other ones. So bizarre. The fact that I was in the middle of this at 6:45 in the morning makes me concerned that I didn't get enough "good" rest last night. Or maybe I just lucked out with my rem cycle.

Anyway, the plan is to take my son to his scout swim night tonight and hopefully get some exercise there, although I can only imagine the pool will be full of psychotic 8-11 year olds. wheeeeee! Even if it's not lap-swimming, at least I'll be moving and enjoying my kid. I will definitely get to the Y tomorrow, and between exercise and the supplement, I am hoping to get back on a more even keel.

It's sad to me that I'm becoming more and more of a "TGIF" kinda gal.

And another thing...

Thank you, Alanis Morrisette - my other new goal is to stop eating when I am full. I'm usually good at this, although the holidays were not so good in this regard. I especially have been having trouble at restaurants, where I used to be better at eating a little bit and taking the rest home, since I've usually filled up on bread etc. which I don't do at home or work. Now I still eat most of the meal and have often gotten dessert, even when I'm most definitely full. Fear comes to mind, but of what? Of not having enough? Of missing the opportunity to have a dessert that I don't normally get to have? Part of what works in that arena, at least for me, is to question whether or not I *can* get that dessert elsewhere, and if so, why do I *have* to have it right then. Maybe it's a rebellion thing. I was definitely a goody-two-shoes, do-as-I-am-told kid/teenager, so now it's like "I don't wanna, and you can't make me" or "You can't tell me that I *can't* have this dessert/whatever, so there!". Pretty silly stuff, but true nonetheless. And sometimes it's that seemingly never-fillable-void. Where the hell does that come from???? I've been trying so much harder to fill it with love/affection from the boyfriend and love for myself, and from my kids. Sometimes it's just never enough. *sigh*

I sometimes worry that this will be my life story for ever and ever, and boy does it get tiring. I wish I could just move on, but I keep circling back, peeling back the onion layers a little deeper each time. I know I've made tons of progress, but it always circles back.

Scaling the scale: the Y scale "says" I'm down 3 pounds since my body fat analysis on 12/28. I can sorta believe it, since I have been working out almost every day for about 2 weeks now. I certainly feel tighter and look slimmer. It does help to wear black to the gym, of course! It does *not* help to eat almost a 1/2-pound of chocolate in one day, with generous scoops of peanut butter, even if it is natural pb. Why why why did I feel the need to eat it all today (there is still one block left, which I'm sure won't last the night)??? Mostly because it's here, and my resistance/willpower is never good when the temptation is easily accessible. I keep thinking/hoping to get all the junky food out of the house, but somehow it finds its way back in. The holidays were no help. Well, I'll just have to be more diligent about it, and start journalling about my feelings and why I feel this emptiness inside that I use food to fulfill. Of course, it only does so for a very short time, and then it's just worse, because now I've eaten crap on top of feeling whatever it was I was feeling before I masked it with food. *sigh*

Tonight was the elliptical. It makes me sweat sooo much more than the treadmill (unless I run a lot, which I still can't do yet due to my shin splints. I'm working up to it, and am still at 4x, 1.0 minute each during the whole 30-35 minutes), and it keeps my heart rate up more consistently. Plus it's not hard on my shins like the running can be. I love the heart rate tracker and mileage tracker and all the bells and whistles on the screen. I love to track things. So far in 2006, I've logged 8.07 miles. I think that would be a fun goal to work on (how many miles can I go in a month? A year?).

The gym wasn't completely insane, although I grabbed the last available elliptical. It was 7:30 at night, which is probably when most folks have already worked out and gone home. I stayed home with my sick child today, so was able to control when I ate (besides all that frickin chocolate) and time it to work out in the evening. I can't eat before working out - it makes me feel like yakking. Then I worked my shoulders and back. The back has been challenging in trying to get enough weight to really work my back muscles w/o popping my arms off. I've been using the weighted/seated row and the pulldown, and my hands and elbows seem to take a beating. I could do free weight rows, I supposed, but I love the machine.

Some goals that I have been considering for this year:

Continue to work out at least 3x/week, with 30 minutes of cardio and one/two body parts weight lifting (usually 30-35 minutes each time).

Daily multivitamin. I bring a baggie to work each week with the full week's dosage, so that helps to remind me. Weekends can be more challenging, but I think if it's a habit 5 days/week then the other 2 will follow naturally.

More regular journalling. Daily is ideal, but given my track record, probably too lofty a goal just yet. I *know* how important this piece of the work I am doing is, and perhaps that is why I do not do it regularly. Maybe I am afraid of what I might discover about myself...

Daily flaxseed oil. Usually not hard to do if I have daily salads/greens.

Daily fruits and vegetables. I get tripped up here if I don't plan properly or shop regularly. I have been doing a fairly consistently good job of planning/shopping, but recognize that it can be an issue if I don't. This also helps with planning/buying meals for the week. Last August, the owner of my work's cafeteria pushed me over my personal edge with the way they were charging for food, and I vowed to bring my own food from then on. With a few exceptions, I have been bringing my lunch since then. YaHOO! I also end up eating less and eating more healthfully, plus I can control how "natural"/unprocessed my food is.

Longer terms goals include more yoga and more meditation. I am smart enough about how I work to know that I start out strong with tons of goals and then quickly abandon them due to being overwhelmed with too many changes at once. Thankfully I've been doing most of the above already, so continuing them should be within my reach, and I can hold the more challenging ones (journalling, meditation) as, well, challenges!

Here's to a healthier me in 2006.

Happy 2006! It's motivating to read the weightloss blogs now, as everyone is in "goals for 2006" mode. Personally I'm glad that I've been working out since November - it makes it sooo much easier to keep going, rather than trying to start now. Everyone's back to work, so I decided it would be a *bad* idea to go off coffee this week - that is my goal for next week. I hate getting off it - the headaches, the cravings. Just the smell alone is enough to drive me bonkers. Ah well - suck it up, sister. I'll have to pound the tyle*nol and drink more water instead.

I worked out every day since either Thursday or Friday of last week, I can't remember. My chest is getting phlegmy, which makes me worried that I'm getting sick. Noooooo! But I feel tight and like I have lost weight, although the scale isn't telling me the same. Of course, it is almost "that time", so maybe it's water. The more important fact, though, is that I feel good (except for the chest thing, which I'll just ignore and hope it goes away), and am proud of continuing on.

The kids are back, so workouts will have to go back to early morning or bringing them along when the pool/gym are available for them. I absolutely DREAD how busy the gym is going to be; another blog called them "Resolutionaries", which cracks me up. I should be starting up yoga anyway, so maybe this is a good time to pull out those DVD's. I would miss the weightlifting, though. Wah wah wah

I did make it to the grocery to stock up on good food, but only brought some of it today. Totally didn't boil eggs for salads or cut up any veggies, but I'm planning to do that tonight. I had an apple, and am headed for lunch (eggplant pizza and baby romaine w/flaxseed oil; yogurt/granola; banana). However, I had a donut with my coffee this morning. So bad. I think if my son hadn't been with me, I would have skipped it, but my resistance is not-so-good. I'm not beating myself up about it.