Ouch (in a good way)

Made it to the gym last night - zowee! 45 minutes on the elliptical, and I wasn't as winded as I thought I would be. I did take it down a few resistance notches but otherwise did pretty well. My face was quite red, though, which wasn't the case a month back.

Speaking of which, it has been a MONTH since I ellipted/lifted - holy crikeys! I have been doing yoga, and walking outside, though, so at least that's something. I lifted chest/arms, and my left wrist is still bothering me from more than a week ago - I was trying to be quite careful when I was doing the free weights. It's a bit sore today but not in pain.

My poor little muscles, however, are quite sore today, so I keep trying to do mini-stretches in my office chair and am thankful that I have my own office. They feel *good* sore, though, which is lovely. I sorely missed it har har har.

I've been having vivid dreams these past few days, and was hoping that working out some stress would calm them down, but last night's was about my grandmother, who has been dead for 14 years. I was crying and hugging her and just enjoying being with her, if only for a few dream moments. She was my favorite of all, and even though we didn't see each other much (she lived 1200 miles away), we used to write letters to each other and she was there for my college graduation, which was huge for our family (I was the first to get a four-year degree). *sigh*

Today's plan is to get outside for a walk at some point - another gorgeous day in the 60's here. Eating has been so-so - hot grains for breakfast but I added a teaspoon of hot chocolate mix since the flavor was nonexistent, as well as a tablespoon of natural PB (which doesn't "melt" like regular PB does when it gets warm). I did half/half on the teecino/coffee front, and so far don't have a headache from withdrawal. I have a banana and an orange, and curried turkey and greens for lunch. Dinner is most likely leftover pasta and sauce, broccoli, and I'll probably grill the rest of the marinated chix on my GF grill for protein.

I need to go grocery shopping.

Food Tracking - how quaint!

I did FitDay quite awhile back, and although it was helpful/informative, it was challenging to continuously go in there and log it all in, especially if I had to do each ingredient of what I was eating, and eventually it just became too much of a hassle.

For now I've gone back to paper/pen tracking in a cute little policeperson-type pad with a flip cover. I'm writing a ticket to health! All right, that was awful, and it was meant to be.

I made cafe-ccino again (2 parts coffee/1 part teecino), and plan to switch to tee-fee (2 parts teecino/1 part coffee) in the next few days. I'm proud of myself for washing out the ground/coffeepot and getting it ready to go last night. If I wait until morning, most of the time I just don't do it.

I'm also proud for having greens at lunch (with flaxseed oil) and some grapes. We won't discuss the choc/pb smooches or one (yes, just one) choc egg. Or the pancake that the bf made, or the syrup that went on top of it. Dinner is up in the air, but I finally got the fridge cleaned out (GROSS) so that I can figure out what we have/don't have/need. Now I just need to get to the grocery store - one step a time, sister.

Yesterday I did get outside (yeah!) for a 20-minute walk. Tonight I plan to ellipt/lift (I can't even remember what body part I am on - it's been so long) while the daughter is at softball practice. I feel kinda bad about not hanging out to watch practice, which I enjoy doing, but I seriously seriously seriously need a good workout! I am looking forward to that, and curious about how my lungs are going to perform. I'm still hacking crap up here and there, but it's much improved-ed.

And there's always tomorrow's 6:00 a.m. yoga class, isn't there?

One day at a tiiiiiiiiiime

I don't remember liking that show all that much, although I always admired the mom for her tough-ness. Did anyone see Valerie Bertinelli (sp?) in the recent Shape issue of flashbacks? Anyway...

Yeah - yoga last night. I am surprised at how much strength I feel that I have lost, and how tight I was - I guess I shouldn't be so surprised given my lack of workouts in the past few weeks. It was good to go, though. I also walked around the school while waiting for my son's instrument lesson to be through, which was a good 30 minutes. This morning there was what looked like a broken blister on my 4th toe, which I didn't notice last night - I was walking in work shoes, so I brought a pair of sneakers to walk in here at work, and plan to get outside today before the rain starts up again.

Then we all went out to eat at a roast beef place that fries anything that isn't moving, so dinner was not something to be too proud of - ah well. When I got home, I forced/encouraged myself to get a few things done that really really needed to be done (even though all I wanted to do was go to bed), and it felt good to get 'er done. I made up the coffeemaker with 2 parts coffee/1 part teecino to get back on (off?) that track. Woo. Hoo.

Breakfast was kash1 oatmeal w/flaxseeds and I added a teaspoon of natural pb, plus my tee-fee w/cream & sugar, and 2 choc eggs from my dear daughter. I have an apple and yogurt/granola for snackypoos. I am going out to lunch and want to score a salad - I don't know what this place offers, but have a plan of attack. I took out pasta and sauce for dinner, and will make some broccoli and probably throw in some grilled chix for protein, so that's one less meal to worry about. I hope to spend 10 minutes cleaning out the fridge and figuring out what we need so that I can plan the rest of the week's meals. At least the kiddos have lunch stuff!

I'm feeling more positive about getting back on track, so thank you for your encouragement - it's really appreciated, and reminds me to be more loving/forgiving towards myself.

Hanging in

Should it be "Hanging On" instead? Took a nice weekend workshop related to massage, and ate more fruits & veggies than I have in weeks. Took a 20 minute walk each day outside, which was terrific. Then on the way home last night I had fast food and decaf coffee and that little Deborah brat snacks. Today I am still snacking on leftover easter chocolates and back to drinking full-on coffee.

I have the rest of my burrito for lunch, an apple, a Cl1f bar and some yogurt/granola. I don't know what the hell I'm going to make for dinner, and I don't have a lot of time as the daughter starts softball today. This is where I usually fall apart, so I need to make a concerted effort to get something healthy going and then plan/execute the rest of this week food-wise.

We hope her practice gets out in time to go to the Y, where there's open swim for the kids, yoga for me and the wellness center for the bf. If not, we could still go and I would ellipt instead of yoga-ing.

Tomorrow night yoga is probably out too as the son has an appointment with a naturopath for his various issues (eczema/mild asthma/serious seasonal allergies) - I am very interested to see what she thinks since we've never tried a naturopath before.

I'm still coughing up crap here and there, but generally feeling a heckuva lot better. Why don't/didn't I cut myself some more slack around feeling crappy and trying to hold it together in terms of prepping healthy food and working out? Great question.

As I was walking outside last week (didn't really do it this w/e), I pondered the Gratitude List (taken from Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance, although maybe she got it from elsewhere?)...it is a very helpful exercise for me, and it brought things into perspective for me. Much-needed perspective, I might add. My kids, my health, my awesome partner etc. I truly do have a lot to be grateful for.

It's my blog, and I'll whine if I want to

Want some cheese with that? Mmmm...cheese! Anyway, I had a lovely wonderful massage last night and then went out to the ol' bk for din-din. tsk tsk tsk What is my issue? And I'm eating marked-down choc pb eggs, and drinking coffee. I did have some bark/branch cereal with soy milk for breakfast, but then I added a teaspoon of sugar on top. WHAT IS MY ISSUE?!

Beats the hell out of me.

I have a rice/cheese/bean half of burrito for lunch. No veggies there. I do have a banana and some cantaloupe. The trick is actually eating them instead of more of the malted milk eggs outside my office.

I did *not* get up for yoga this a.m. but did at least set the frickin' alarm. I did take a 20-minute walk yesterday, and plan to do the same today. I have to perform in a concert tonight so no gym, and plan to go out w/my girl club for dinner tomorrow night so no exercise then. I should get up tomorrow morning, but have a feeling that I'll be exhausted from tonight's performance. I recognize that this is making an excuse. I don't know what I'll choose to do about it.

I'm glad that I'm being honest. It's really hard not to want to look good, and only post when I'm being successful. I know that these hard posts are what will help me more in the long run. This is the part where it is so tempting to hide out, pretend as though my eating isn't as bad as it really is, to lie to myself about how I'm taking care of myself (I'm not eating well at all). I'm trying really hard not to do those things.

My question is - when am I going to do something positive with this information, and get my eating back on track?

Putt-putt-putting along*

*not a golf reference

Lessee - I went to yoga last night (yum!) and walked outside yesterday for a good 20-25 minutes. I plan to get outside for a nice walk again today. I'm getting a massage tonight (wooHOO!) and most likely will not want to work out afterwards, since it will be after 8:15 at that point. There is yoga tomorrow morning - let's see if I can actually REMEMBER to set my alarm tonight and then get the heck outta bed.

Eating? Heh heh. Yeah. Eating. Evil Easter Eating is what it's all about, peeps. See what I did there? Peeps? Get it? Actually, I've only had part of one - not a big fan. Chocolate, however, is another whole story. Someone stocked up the bowl outside my office with malted milk eggs. And there are d0ve choc eggs at home. And leftover ham/potatoes/goddess knows what else waiting for lunch. Indian last night, although the sauce wasn't *too* fattening. Veggies? Yes, if a few slices of artichokes & peppers on my pizza yesterday count, and some kinda green lettuce in the salad they offered in the kitchen.

It's a nice distraction from work, but it is not the healthiest choice. I'm trying to be better about not Judging everything, thank you yoga. I'm trying to "observe" instead. It's really really really really really really really challenging for me. Like super challenging. Like Challenging with a capital C. I'm a major Judge-r of everything, and I have expectations right and left - I'm lousy with expectations. And guess what? I am disappointed right and left. I hold these pictures and ideals and guess what? They don't usually play out those ways, so I get disappointed some more. That leads to resentment and frustration, and why the hell can't everyone just do it the way I think it should be done, huh? HUH?

Just typing that made me get all emotional. *sigh* I need some sweaty hardcare cardio to flush out this anger and pain.

Monday that is actually a...Monday. *sigh*

Finally starting to feel better, although I got winded jogging back from the mailbox today. This chest stuff is SO annoying! I'm still coughing up crap etc. wah wah wah

I did make it to yoga on saturday, woohoo, and it felt great, as it always does. I don't know why I'm questioning buying another 2-month pass at the end of this month, since it makes me feel so yummy - I'm mostly concerned about what I'm going to do once school starts up in June, as I will be in class 2 nights a week, and the other 5 are for studying and practicing what I've learned. I'm taking A&P I, so this isn't exactly light coursework. So I'm trying to figure out what exercise is going to look like. I think yoga is a perfect, natural fit for massage (thus my escapades at kripalu), so I hope to make the schedule work.

I haven't done any exercise since then, and I feel like my muscles are turning to great big globs of mush. My poor wittle biceps - they are so sad! I can't remember the last time I felt tight & toned. I am giving 2 massages tonight so no workout (other than the massages, of course). Maybe tomorrow night, depending on my girlfriend's plans (we might be meeting after work).

Easter and this past weekend, eating-wise, was substandard. Burgers on the grill, chips, dip, easter crapola, probably at least half a bag of pb smooches alone, blt's, pizza. I can't remember the last time I had a vegetable. Today I had coffee (all coffee, no teecino - the coffee chains don't carry it for some inexplicable reason HAHAHA), gouda cheese wheel, sushi (I have a wonderful bf who brought it in to eat with me on his day off!), yogurt/granola (Packed with Protein!), orange. Tonight is easter ham/potatoes/crapola leftovers.

I need to get some veggies into me, quick!

Thursday that is actually a Friday

No school = no work tomorrow, woohoo! I'm feeling a little better today, and son has not yuked in >24 hours, so he's back to school and I'm back to work. yeah.

I have band tonight so no attempts at exercise, which is probably wise anyway. I hope to get back to the gym on Saturday for yoga, but I don't want to push things. I'm still coughing up all kinds of fun stuff and still feel a bit woozy.

It's raining today, so I don't feel so bad about not getting outside into the sunshine.

Enjoy the weekend!

Still sick....grrrr!

Went to the doctor, since my supervisor put the fear of whooping cough into me (thankfully, I do not have it), and am now taking the superexpensive but supposedly effective expectorant, and taking allergy sinus stuff, and generally feeling like poo.

It's beautiful out, and it's pissing me off that I feel like garbage and can't go play in the lovely outdoors. Feh.

Anyway, I'm trying to be patient with the healing process. My kids have also been sick off/on, and the son is home today after yuking twice yesterday. I just want to be WELL. I want to work out and lift weights and do yoga and walk outside and play catch with my family. Somebody call the the wah-mbulance!

Strangely enough, I've gotten more compliments/comments about my weight loss in the past few weeks than I did when I first got back from kripalu, even though I haven't lost anything since then. Is it true that weight re-distributes itself? I certainly don't understand.

Sick in the head

And chest. Now I know why I felt so lousy on Friday. I have the chest/coughing/congestion thing AGAIN and spent most of the weekend on the couch and/or in bed. MoFoWiFi!!!! I am SO aggravated and I miss working out so very much. Grrr! Needless to say, I didn't do any exercise except a walk, I mean slow crawl for around 45 minutes yesterday outside, 'cause I would have been damned if I wasn't at least going to enjoy the nice weather. Then I was in bed before 8:00. It was still LIGHT OUTSIDE, PEOPLE! *sigh*

I'm still feeling crappy today, and will most likely leave work early to go home and go back to bed. At least I am showered, which made me feel practically human again.

The upside, if there could possibly be one, is that I haven't been eating everything in my wake. My stomach goes back & forth from feeling hungry to feeling quite nauseous, probably from all the yummy stuff running out of my sinuses and whatever the heck I'm coughing up. Yum!

The kids and I have appointments every night this week (no yoga tonight or tomorrow, then)(I'm not even sure I could do it, even if I wanted to), so I need to take good care of my bod-ski. I have chicken soup for today, and still had half-coffee/half-teecino. That's a step in the right direction as far as getting back off the evil coffee.

I believe that I was also pms-ing on saturday, as I laid on the couch and cried on my boyfriend's lap. He's so good to me! I know a lot of it is still work and I'm sure that is a likely cause of my recurring illnesses...

8 weeks and 1 day til massage school starts! And 299 more business days!

Tired but hopeful

Well, it's another TGIF here in xenaworld. I think all the coffee & sugar has wiped me out physically, and/or my springtime allergies are kicking in. The bf asked again last night when I was going to quit coffee, and I told him probably after this weekend. I read about Teecino here, and decided to follow the recommendations of weaning myself off so that I don't get the headaches etc. (by slowly adding more teecino and less coffee grounds each time I make a pot of coffee over a two-week period). I'm not clear if that will help since I put cream & sugar in my coffee, and I don't like artificial sweeteners or stevia (I think the heat brings out the flavor waaaay too much). I want and NEED to severely reduce my sugar intake - it's killing me.

Planning to work out tonight on the elliptical, and I think I'm on chest/arms. Yoga tomorrow; yoga and/or elliptical/shoulders/back on Sunday, plus cooking for the week (although we have appointments every night after work/daycare, so that will be a small challenge).

I will also get outside as much as possible and let the sun & mild air recharge my batteries, to face another week of work. Only 300 more days! And a little over 8 weeks until I start up massage school again, woohoo!

Have a loverly weekend, y'all.

Don't go back to Yuckville

I'm all with Portuguese Washwoman these days. Yuckville indeed. Despite the glorious sunshine and milder temps (my daughter declared that yesterday's snow must have been magic, because today the grass is popping up all green!), my eating continues to spiral out of control, and a good portion of me just doesn't care.

I'm impressed that I'm at least being honest about it. It would be so much easier to hide out until the wave of ugliness passes. This is the third week in a row that I "forgot" about the 6 a.m. yoga class. Hmmmm...I wonder why? So not much exercise today, although I plan to do a stroll for 15-20 minutes at some point today outside, where it's supposed to be in the 50's here.

I was happy and not the least bit suspicious that last night, my girlfriend's scale also said (well, it didn't exactly talk to me) I am 175. I say this because the Y scale is 5-7 pounds heavier, and the doctor's scale....well, the doctor's scale ALWAYS seems to be 7-10 pounds heavier. I think it's a plot so that they can chastise your weight and justify their existence blahblahblah

I still feel puffy and untoned.

The bf & I discussed my quitting coffee. He suggested I do it this morning, after I offered him coffee and he said that he quit, and would I like to join him in quitting right that very minute, dumping out my travel mug o'java right down the drain? No, samIam, I do *not* wish to quit coffee-this-very-minute, no sirree bob! I get the headaches and the irritability and all the fun withdrawal stuff, and I'm not ready for that quite yet. I told him I would consider it after this weekend. If I'm going to feel like shit warmed over, I might as well be at work, where I feel that way anyway, right???

I refuse again to discuss breakfast this morning (I did eat almost all of my planned food for yesterday except for the orange, and then I proceeded to eat chocolate that was sent to me as a thank you, and took my friend up on her offer to get coffee in the afternoon, and then ate crap on the way home from the grocery store and a BL-sans-T open face ('cause goddess forbid I eat the extra piece of bread!!!) and then some leftover pizza. *sigh*

An-y-way, today's plans include the rest of the lentil-veggie soup, rye crackers, gouda mini-wheel, the orange from yesterday, and some yogurt/granola. Dinner is up in the air as we may be going out with a friend visiting from ze west coast. No exercise other than walking until tomorrow night, where I plan to ellipt & I think I'm on legs for my weight routine. Saturday yoga and then a yummy cranio-sacral treatment. Sunday, probably ellipt & chest/arms, and/or yoga class that afternoon.

I really do need to do some healthy cooking this weekend to get ready for next week, so as not to repeat this week, and to get off the damn coffee AGAIN.

40 days

of posts. How's that for consistency?

Let me say that it's like a bazillion times better than my eating. Sugar cycle in full force - I'm not very proud of my eating right now. I'm procrastinating and not eating the food I bring, and searching out sugar right and left. I spent a bit of time reading about recovering food addicts and eating plans - inspired by reading Frances Kuffel's Passing for Thin. I briefly considered joining OA or something along those lines but acknowledged that the higher power thing would not work for me right now (I'm more of a goddess gal), the meetings would not work with my schedule (I fully acknowledge that I could make it work if I wanted to), and I don't think I would do well with such a tightly-regimented eating plan for now. Who knows what the future will bring?

I do know that I can't continue with this compulsive sugar eating.

Thankfully I am still working out and my house is in pretty good order. The other day I got my bathroom shelves cleaned up/out and scrubbed down the shower, so that made me feel good. What is *wrong* with me? hahaha Oh wait, I know - I'm a perfectionist. Blech.

Yoga for the past two nights (followed by some good ol' compulsive sugar eating in seclusion - so healthy!). I walked for a few minutes outside yesterday, and Saturday was a nice one-hour-plus stroll tugging a toddler in a wagon for probably half of that time - what a gorgeous day!

I have a practice massage tonight (the one rescheduled from last week), so look forward to connecting to my self and higher purpose. I keep blaming work for my compulsive sugar eating, but am worried that I am using it as a big excuse. It truly is stressful and painful and unpleasant at work, so I'm hoping that once school starts in June, I will be able to channel that energy into something more positive and constructive.

In the meantime, though, I need to stop the destructive behavior. I'm figuring that out and will check in on it, as ugly as it is. I really debated even admitting it here, but I'm glad that I did.

I still don't understand why, but I'm holding strong here at 175. I'm trying to see what the lesson is?!?!

I won't discuss my atrocious breakfast and coffee for the morning, but my afternoon has this in store (and I *WILL* eat it today instead of sugar): lentil veggie soup, rye crackers, gouda mini-wheel, orange, yogurt with strawberries/bananas (premixed, not home-added). I have pumpkin & sunflower seeds (unroasted/unsalted) as well as some natural crunchy PB and the crackers if need be. Tonight is grilled chicken/asparagus/broccoli. I need to go produce shopping as well since we're out of veggies & fruit at home.

One day at a time, sister, one day. at. a. TIME!