IIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hiding out

Yes, that's all you get for your money.

What can I say? I haven't started getting up earlier or working out with yoga dvd's/track. I did walk for 45 minutes this morning at the track, but that's been about it. I swam for a little bit during camping, and proceeded to get mildly stung by blobby little jellyfish. I think the stinging nettle hurt more!

I've also been inhaling junk like it's the last food I'll ever get. Could it be stress over my finals? Having a lot to do before the kids start school again and TOTALLY not feeling like doing ANY of it? Knowing that once school starts, I'm "back on plan"? So unhealthy, and I'm unfortunately teaching my kids that "pig out while it's vacation, 'cause starting next Tuesday, we're eating healthy again!". *sigh*

I miss working out. I miss lifting. I miss having quality alone time. I miss yoga. Perhaps I will miss these things enough to do something about them.

I just got the kids' bus schedules. Daughter is on at 7:10 a.m. Son is on at 8:31. WTF?!?! I could run to the gym in between ;-)

I'm going to miss my morning coffee. Again. I need to get clear on why I'm really doing this...

Sweet baboo

I heart my bf. He did the camping dishes. Love ya, babe! I don't think he reads this, so he'll just have to accept the cyberenergy instead. If he does read it, he'll be upset that I said "ya" instead of "you" - one of his pet peeves.

I believe that I did just fine on my A&P final, halle-frickin-lujah. The appointment with the relative went much better than I hoped for, so that's nice to have out of my system. I'm still craving evil food, and I'm still tired, but at least my emotions aren't threatening to drown me.

I hope to catch up on rest during camping this weekend, although our air mattress (yeah, we really rough it, let me tell you) may have a slow leak in it, as we ended up on the ground both nights last weekend.

I also hope to catch up on some exercise, at least in the form of swimming/walking at the nearby beach, and I'm sure we'll bring toys to catch/throw/chase.

Of course, I will probably offset that with wobbly pops and too many s'mores, but that's ok.

One more final next week and then I get a mini-break, in which I will get my kids back into school and my eating & exercise back on track, as I strive to acheive my School Year's Resolutions.

I have hope.

PPbbllttt! (warning: bitchy whiny post ahead)

I feel yucky today. It's my 3rd? 4th? 5th? day of being tired, and I'm starting to wonder if it's the prescription-strength allergy meds they (those evil "they"!) put me on last week to drain my middle tube (?)(I don't remember that from A&P!). It's supposed to be non-drowsy, but I think that the jitter drugs they add to it to keep me from getting drowsy end up ramping my system into overdrive and wiping me out by the end of the day. Hell, by 3:30 sometimes! The meds are doing their job in terms of draining me, but I am not sure if this exhaustion is worth it. I don't feel like eating right or preparing good food or doing the effing dishes piled up not only in my sink but all along the counter (damn camping dishes!) or doing the million-and-one tasks that need to be done because school is startinginlessthantwoweeksandohmygoddessHELP!!!

Can you tell that I'm a little overwhelmed?

This panicky feeling could be abated (?) a bit if I had enough energy to get up to exercise, for heaven's sake, but noooooo.

Geez, what a grouchypants I am today.

Not to mention that I have a therapy appt. this afternoon with the relative that I've been having challenges with, so I'm almost 900% positive that doesn't help my mood/wanting to eat the state of Vermont (all those firs and cows getting stuck between my teeth).

I have to say that I'm proud of at least recognizing that I'm not in a good place. I was driving to work this morning and "realized" that I didn't HAVE to find something yummy-but-not-good-for-me to eat when I got to work in order to not FEEL these yucky crummy FEELINGS anymore. Instead of doughnuts or cookies or whatever, I had a slice of bread w/PB&J for breakfast, which is the healthiest I could do in the moment.

So I was so tired last night that I only read about 2/3 of my A&P workbook. I could tell that I wasn't actually absorbing anything and so put myself in bed. It was the right thing to do. I'll leave a little early today and get to school to review my quizzes and my workbook, and I'll be fine. Then I have my test-out next week in my bodywork class, so I need to review some of the "routines" (for lack of a better word) before then. I'm not sure when that will happen, since we're leaving for camping again Friday afternoon, assuming I actually wash the camping dishes by then!

Cravings

iportion hit the nail on the head - I am tired and I am craving lousy food. Unfortunately, I'm giving in to those cravings....*sigh* At least I had boston lettuce/tomatoes with my leftover-from-camp-have-to-cook-it cheeseburger, and some corn for fiber, if nothing else. And a lot of chocolate. I know it's not TOM cravings - it's too early.

I passed out for a little while last night when I finally got home - I was zonked. I felt marginally better getting up for dinner but then was back in bed a little after 10:00 (early for me). I didn't even get up to go to the track this morning, so that didn't help the cravings matter, for sure.

For lunch I have lentils/brown rice, swiss chard, a small piece of cucumber. I have a banana and kiwi. Right now, I don't want any of it. I'm not even sure what I *do* want, except maybe a nap. I think the semester is catching up with me!

Tonight we're going out to dinner for mexican, which is usually not a great choice calorie/veggie-wise. I'm not even sure that I am interested in *trying* to choose something healthy, if these cravings don't go away!

I need to drink some water, I think. Maybe a spin around the building, even just 5 minutes (yes, 5!). I need to get into bed at a decent hour, although I need to study for my A&P final, which is tomorrow night. I feel pretty ok about it, since it is multiple choice and I'm usually pretty good at that, but should still review the 11 weeks. I should also get up and walk the track tomorrow morning, get a good start to the day. Wish me luck!

Quickie

I bet that got your attention!

Back from camping. Got a little, ok, a *lot* soaked but had a great time (except for getting moss under my thumbnail, which I had to scrape out, including a nice chunk of nailbed - ouch!!!). Did some river body surfing/swimming (only hit a few rocks here and there - ouch!) and horizontal treacherous/slippery rock climbing, so I count that as definite activity. Other than a quick 10-minute bike ride, which was almost all downhill, and walking to/from other campsites & the bathroom/general store, didn't do any extended cardio activity. But I got a lot of fresh air, some yummy-but-not-too-healthy camp food (hot dog, cheeseburger, s'mores; we did have some salmon yesterday morning to go with the bacon), and some awesome downtime/family bonding.

So eating wasn't great but I'm not feeling guilty for a change - I enjoyed myself and now it's back to lots of veggies and fruit and beans, oh my. Activity-wise, the son has to be at camp bus by 7:30 so will need to consider getting up for at least 20 minutes (yes, 20 minutes! It's ok, xena! It counts!) at the track and/or 20+ minutes of yoga dvd. You're probably getting tired of hearing this, but apparently I am not - something is better than nothing.

Thanks for the comments on my last post. I don't know when I will actually pencil in sleep time (maybe during work, hahaha!) this fall. I guess I can sleep when I am dead. Seriously, though, I know that proper rest is vital to staying healthy and rebuilding energy/muscles, so I will be keeping a close eye on that too. Thanks for the reminder, Lynne! And Amazon Alanna - I have definitely done a lot of blogging about the exercise that I was going to do, but didn't, so hang in there! Thanks Ms. Belden - I am taking a nice deeep breath (*aaah*) and thankfully reminding myself to be proud of what I am accomplishing - thank you.

One thing I definitely noticed was the difference in energy from eating like I did this weekend vs. "clean" eating...I was sluggish and tired fairly early (I'm sure the imbibing didn't help that at all!)...

Did it!

Got up and ellipted/lifted at the Y! Granted I snuggled w/bf for waaaay too long and had to do an abbreviated workout, but that is OK. 30 minutes elliptical (I pounded that puppy since I had a shorter workout) and 2 sets instead of 3 on the chest/arms. That's ok. It's better than nothing.
Why is that so hard to believe and take seriously? Somehow my workout is "not enough" because I didn't cross the 45-minute mark on the elliptical or do all 3 sets/full reps. *sigh*

Well, I got my heart rate up for 20+ minutes, and I worked my chest and arms. That's something. That's better than snuggling (welllll, maybe not!) until I had to get up for work.

So, with the new school year ramping up, I've decided to set some

School Year Resolutions

1. Be at patient, present, forgiving mother, both of myself, and of my children. Even if they're still in bed at 7:00 and the bus comes at 7:15. Even if *I'm* still in bed at 7:00 and the bus comes at 7:15.
2. Plan & execute healthy school lunches that take into account my son's allergies. Lunches should include at least 1 fruit and 1 veggie, and limited processed food/sugar.
3. Work out at least 2 days a week for at least 20 minutes of cardio. Yes, TWO days a week, TWENTY minutes minimum only. I'm in school, doing my homework/practice hours, helping the kids with their homework, chaffering to/from football/music/soccer etc. And 20 minutes is better than none!!!
4. Lift at least 2 days a week, alternating body parts (unless I go through with my Plan, which may not be feasible if I'm only doing 2 days/week).
5. Eat at least one vegetable and one fruit per day.
6. Take my multivitamin, iron supplement, and ginkg0 bil0ba every weekday (the weekends would be a bonus!).

Ok, those are reasonable, measurable, achievable, specific. As you can see, I've had to rationalize #3 to death to myself. It's so very hard. And obviously I can work out more often than that. I just know my schedule for school/work/kids (poor bf is in there somewhere), and don't want to set myself up for failure.

I was going to start the resolutions a week early so that I could get my body clock reset to getting up at 6:00, and then found out the Y is closed that week, so will have to make do with the track, my home dumbbells (highest is 8 lbs), and yoga dvds.

Better than nothing!!!

We'll save getting-back-off-coffee-even-though-it's-decaf and not-stopping-for-ice-cream-after-class for another day. I'm off to camp for a few days with the family (see, bf time!) - have a great weekend.

Compulsion

Lessee - I ellipted & lifted (shoulders/back) on Monday night, yeehaw. Seriously, yee-HAW! I made my swiss chard, which was EFFING delicious - I couldn't believe it. I was totally prepared for it to be bitter or completely raucous (in a bad way), but it was DELISH! Crunchy, nutty, full-tasting. It probably helped that I used a spicy garlic oil to saute it. I had some again last night, left over, and it was *still* yummy! I highly recommend it, as it is tres good for you.

My darling bf almost sliced a finger off trying to cut up the beets, until we realized that we should probably cook them first. Please don't laugh, I had no idea, and the recipe suggestions I had never mentioned cooking *before* slicing (it just said "blah blah blah sliced cooked beets blah blah blah" - so helpful). And I cooked up my zucchini and squash, also so tasty!!!

I also tried a lentils-n-rice recipe in my rice cooker, based on a suggestion I found on Fatfree Vegan Kitchen - I can't remember how I made it there. Goddess bless the internet! Anyway, I am always interested in easy ways to make beans, and this couldn't be easier. I was hesitant about using the rice cooker for anything but rice (no oil, no spices), but this made me a believer. It is a pretty mild dish, so I would probably add some bouillion for flavor next time.

I have found that I'm leaning more & more towards a vegetarian, even vegan-type diet (although I can't see myself giving up ice cream anytime soon!). I don't know if it's a combination of the health issues that are discussed at length amidst my anatomy & physiology learnings/text, the lifestyle of a massage therapist (many seem to take uber care of themselves and be more "earthy crunchy" - of course I am generalizing here big-time), the need for my son to get away from dairy etc., or just the general thoughts of mad cow disease and the way that animals are raised for slaughter in the U.S. (I generally try to get organic chicken anyway), but I am finding myself turned off by animal protein, even fish. I doubt I'll be 100% but I have been eating more beans and less animal protein these days (of course, I don't think BAGBunny ever thought she would be there either, but look at her now!). And lots more veggies & fruit too!

Getting back to the title of my post...last night I brought the veggie/bean meal for dinner at school, which I don't normally do (I bring cheese & granola bar, or something light like that) - I have found out that I am usually so fricking hungry when I leave that I'm 1000x more likely to give in to stopping at the ice cream place or meatlover's fast food after class is over, when it's past 10:00 at night - bad idea. Anyway, I had the meal around 7:00, and it was scrumptious. However, by 9:30 I was hungry again (damn!) and debating what I could stop and get. *sigh* I ended up at DQ with an ice cream/smooshies. That's where the compulsion comes in. I could have gone home and had more veggies/beans, or something else better-for-me than ice cream, but I *had* to have it once I thought of it. Rebellious teen? Whiny toddler? What did I want? Was I truly just hungry, or was it something else? I just don't know.

It could be that I am a little more hungry because I have been working out again. It could be that I need to bring a bigger serving of the veggies & beans. Maybe I didn't get enough calories yesterday. I won't know the answer to that if I'm not tracking my food, which I haven't been doing regularly. I was also quite tired, and actually dropped off while I was resting in my seat before class started. I can tell you that that is *so* unlike me. I'm really thinking it's the working out.

Speaking of which, I didn't do anything yesterday, and then planned to get up this morning but a repair person was coming and the bf had to leave for work early so I couldn't go to the gym or track or whatever. I guess I could have done a yoga dvd, if I had thought about it. So my plan is to get up tomorrow morning and either gym-it or track-it. Friday we're heading off for camping so am anticipating some fun movement there. Not that the gym isn't fun, it really is. I'm a sick puppy, eh?

*Update: note: sorry for being a dunderhead - just turned comments on, whoops!*

I heart fresh farm veggies!

I made it to the farm stand! Via bike! Yea-hoo. I was worried for it happening since I was passed out on my couch early afternoon. I tried to sleep in but couldn't get back to sleep past 8:00 a.m., boohoo. So I got up, did a few things, did my sister's session, then was so drowsy (see: indulging in naughty pastries, which will explain why I didn't have a lot of energy) that I laid down on the couch and dozed for an hour or so. Actually, it was quite lovely, and fit in well with the theme of "enjoying this summer, dammit!". It was almost chilly, which made the snuggly blanket that much cozier. I know the cold wave won't last, but I am soooo enjoying it!

So I am pretty sure the bike ride wasn't more than 4 miles roundtrip, but there are some challenging hills (I was *flying* on the way back, and only had to pedal a couple of times, so that should indicate how the hill was going to the farm stand), plus we stopped at the house of a person-that-I-know-through-work, who showed us around his old house (low ceilings, boxy compartment rooms - very cool) and then the cemetery chapel (since he is on the board of directors for the well-known garden cemetery, and lives directly across from the gates) - gorgeous! The bf & I then biked around the cemetery, and stopped at an old stone bridge with a gazillion cute little frogs in the pond underneath, and had our fresh strawberries. Delish.

We got some salad stuff - fresh-picked boston lettuce, cucumber, and a gorgeous tomato that smelled devine (har har). Some honest-to-goodness carrots with the greens still on top (I can't even tell you the last time I had a "real" carrot vs. the baby carrots I usually get). Swiss chard (I love the internet, and will find a bunch of recipes to make it, I'm sure!). Some beets with a little dirt still on them (I have a few recipes in mind that I'd like to try - the only beets in my eating memory came from the cold beet soup that my lithuanian-descended-grandmother used to make - yum!). The strawberries. A bright red pepper. The requisite summer squash and zucchini. An adorable little purple eggplant. *ahhhhhh*

Unfortunately I got distracted by a trashy romance novel that a friend had given me, and didn't get to prepare any of the veggies for my lunch, so that is my goal for tonight. I had to get breakfast at the cafe since I was running late, so had bacon/egg/cheese on pumpernickel for breakfast. Whoops! I do have some plums, and a granola bar, and some yogurt in the fridge, but I'll have to buy lunch. *No* french fries today!

Then to the Y tonight for some more ellipting, and my shoulders/back. I can't believe (yet can believe) how sore my pecs and triceps are - I love it!

Cautiously optimistic

I worked out again yesterday (woohoo!) and walked around the track Friday for 35 minutes. Yesterday the bf & I walked to/from the Y (probably only 2 miles total), and I hopped on a recumbent bike, which sucks ass in terms of getting my heart rate up (I need to crank it all the way up if I ever do it again) then lifted chest/arms. I can feel it today! We also walked to the local DD, and I indulged in my craving for a chocolate-covered coffee roll, which probably has about 900 calories. Unfortunately I also gave in to that urge today. Hey, at least I walked. I counted my steps, since I have no idea what the mileage might be, and it was not much (1000? round trip).

As per my usual OCD ways, I'm freaking out about the fall, returning to school, starting up football/soccer/homework/music lessons etc., and working around my son's food allergies. I know if I don't start planning it now, I won't have time to search out the stuff he can have until, maybe, next spring?!

I also want to get a routine going for exercise so that I can get up in the mornings to get to the gym once school starts again, as the daughter needs to be out at the bus stop by 7:15. If I wait to set the habit until after labor day, it most likely won't happen.

I have enjoyed the weekend, spending quality time with the bf while also doing the laundry mountain and catching up on my homework. I only need 4.5 more practice hours and I'm done for the semester, WOOHOO!!!!! I had two scheduled for this morning, but they canceled due to illness; I have my sister this P.M. and will probably torture my bf for another 1.5 hours and be down to 2...

My exercise plan for today is to bike to the local farm stand and find some veggies to then return home & cook for the week, since I have double class for a total of 3 nights of classes, and then we're taking off early Friday to go camping with the kids and bf's brother/family.

I am happy to report that I feel much more normal and human this summer, which was a goal of mine based on my experience last summer (worked all kinds of crazy hours, hardly saw my bf/kids/outdoors, and then got a really crappy bonus and no acknowledgment in thanks) - I refused to do it again, and decided to get outside and to the beach as much as possible. *aaah*

No autographs, please - just throw money

drumroll please....I finally worked out last night! Yippee skippee! According to my training log, I hadn't lifted in almost a month. Yeesh. I have to say that doing my "100 Things" really brought me back to loving myself and recognizing the good things about me - and dammit, people like me!

I ellipted for 35 minutes, and was definitely huffing/puffing a bit at the almost-stair-climbing setting. It felt good to be sweating due to exercising, not due to walking to/from my car to drive to work each day. I lifted back/shoulders, and could tell that I hadn't lifted in a month.

I've been considering going to high weight/low rep with a multi-exercise-in-one (squats, deadlifts). The article that talks about it is here. Of course, that would mean I would have to *learn* how to do something new, which would take extra time. In the long run, it could be a great timesaver, though! I'm worried about my knees and my back (thank you, FitJulie) - the article addresses form quite thoroughly, and I'm usually hypervigilant about my lifting form anyway, so I should be ok.

It would also mean that I need to be more consistent with lifting! I'm considering taking another class at school because I've heard it's easy-peesy-miss-louisey and it's only 6 weeks, but that means another night down (until November) that I won't have time to do homework, cook/keep my house in order, do practice sessions, exercise, gaze upon my loved ones' faces, etc. Of course, it will keep me on goal to finish school by next May, and the course schedule for the spring semester won't be out until October or November, so I will have no idea if I would be able to even take this easy class at the time it's offered in the spring.

What it's coming down to is that I seriously need to get my arse out of bed in the mornings to get to the gym, and that's how it has to run, or it ain't gonna fly. The other piece of that is the good food, so I am also going to need to plan and execute in a routine manner. A little fly in that ointment is that my son was diagnosed with some food allergies - some mild, some stronger (none life-threatening, thank goddess) - peanut, tomato, and (low) corn & soy. Gee, that really narrows things right the eff down, doesn't it?! Plus he has an oral reaction to most fruit skins, and probably has a mild allergy to dairy. I have my mommy work cut out for me - I went through this about 5 years ago with him/corn syrup and had done pretty well cutting that out, but the !#$%^ stuff is in *everything*! I know I can find stuff, especially since we have a natural foods chain store in town, but it will take some time, which is going to become very precious the first two months of school/soccer/football/my own school/music lessons etc.

*sigh*

I know what I'll be doing the last week of August!!!

Thanks to Michelle, who suggested that I should do this to celebrate my 100th posting:

The Traditional 100 Things About Me

1. I'm not very traditional.
2. I am very much in love with my two beautiful, smart, gorgeous children.
3. I am also very much in love with my beauhunk boyfriend, my sweet baboo.
4. I can play the piano, electric bass, kazoo, mellophone (think of an upright french horn - sorry if I offended any horn players), assorted percussion equipment, and marimba, xylophone, and bells.
5. I am studying to be a massage therapist, and plan to be fully licensed and operational by this time next year!
6. I was born in the midwest, and despite being raised in the northeast, still pronounce my "r's".
7. I love love love chocolate.
8. I heart ice cream big-time as well, especially with smooshies.
9. I love the ocean; I'm a big fan of any sort of water bodies, moving or no.
10. My major in college was environmental science.
11. I'm a tree-hugger.
12. I have a black belt in karate. Asah!
13. My left eye is lighter than my right eye.
14. I have a love/hate relationship with the mole on my cheek. My mother always called it a "beauty mark", but I haven't ever really agreed.
15. I spend waaay too much discretionary income at j jill, and my daughter has to forcibly pull me away from the workout clothes section of any department store.
16. I love to weight-lift.
17. I've considered training for an amateur women's bodybuilding contest, but probably never will.
18. I've completed a mini-triathalon in 2:01:something seconds.
19. I've been married once.
20. I get along better with my ex-husband's (was-been) wife than I do with him.
21. I truly enjoy camping. In a tent.
22. Despite #21, I have definitely lusted after pop-ups and RV's.
23. I don't know how to fish.
24. I've learned 3 different scout ways to make a fire. I haven't actually put that knowledge to use. Yet.
25. I wanted to be a brownie when I was little, but can't remember why I wasn't able to do so.
26. I took 11 years of classical piano lessons. I only wanted to quit once or twice, and I'm mostly glad that my parents didn't let me quit.
27. I used to dream of being a rock star when I was a kid, and would sing and perform in front of the mirror in my bedroom.
28. I also used to think I was Tinkerbell. I only tried jumping off the top bunk once to see if I could fly.
29. Despite #28, I've never had any broken bones.
30. I did have a c-section with my daughter, and a VBAC with my son. I was very proud of this "accomplishment".
31. I never realized my athletic abilities when I was a kid. That's sad.
32. When someone said I was an athlete (due to my karate training), I had trouble agreeing with that term. Me? An athlete? Puh-leeze.
33. I long for world peace, and logically know that it's just not possible. This makes me sad.
34. Politics and rabble-rousing in this arena make me uncomfortable.
35. I think the closest I ever got to political action was "hands across the campus" at college.
36. I took several women's studies classes at college. The political side of it all made me uncomfortable. I think our girls have it tougher than we did, somehow.
37. I take pride in my muscles - the way they look when I've been lifting regularly, the way they feel, how they flex, how they perform actions.
38. I had to cycle 15 miles in under 64 minutes for one of the tests for my black belt; the terrain was undulating and had some challenging hills. I was so proud when I finally broke the time.
39. My favorite things about the midwest were the friendly people, the ribs, and the chicago hot dogs. And Ryne Sandberg.
40. My favorite things about the northeast far outnumber my favorite things about the midwest. The ocean, the mountains, the foliage, the cul-chah, skiing, swimming, hiking.
41. I wish that I could transplant the friendly midwestern personality into some of these northeasterners.
42. I can drive in bah-ston and new yawk with the best of 'em. Grrrr!
43. My bf claims that I turn into a different person when I get behind the wheel. I have to agree with him.
44. I realized that I should probably tone down my verbal driving skillz when my kids started pre-emptively yelling at the other drivers.
45. I dislike rudeness.
46. I dislike self-centeredness.
47. I wish that I could protect my kids from all the scary harmful real-world atrocities, but I know that I can't. *sigh*
48. My bf thinks I own too many shoes and the clothes aren't far behind. I never had a Fall/Winter and Spring/Summer wardrobe until I started working in the Corporate World. Sor-RY!
49. I can't wait to downsize my corporate wardrobe when I become a full-time bodyworker!!!
50. In some ways, I wish I had not waited 10+ years to study massage/bodywork. Water under the bridge at this point.
51. I can't believe how much I love doing bodywork. It truly is therapy for me as well as the client!
52. I love yoga. I wish I did it more these days. I loved going 2,3,4 times/week. I wonder sometimes if I will become a teacher down the road.
53. I would like to incorporate more meditation into my daily life. It's so incredibly centering.
54. Someday I would like to go gliding (paragliding? I can't think of the name).
55. I used to be able to remember things and never needed lists. Now I can't get by without them.
56. Someday I would like to climb Macchu Pichu (spelling?). For this I will need to get over my claustrophobia, which makes it damn near impossible to get on a plane anymore. That makes me very sad and also angry.
57. I don't like feeling weak.
58. I took ballet/tap when I was younger. I loved ballet more because I could be more like a delicate flower. I don't know what the hell happened to me :-)
59. I love to be in nature. Hiking in the woods is one of the most spiritual things ever.
60. I enjoy being by myself. I've never felt alone in my own company. If I don't get regular "xena" time, I get grouchy.
61. I hope that I can teach my children the same gift. Everyone will have times in their life where being your own best friend is key.
62. I've been catholic, baptist, congregationalist; if I had to choose one, I'd probably choose unitarian.
63. I have nicely-shaped feet, and ears. I take pleasure in my broad shoulders and strong back.
64. I have a nice badonkadonk, if I don't say so myself.
65. I have nice eyes. Shit-brown. I should wear contacts to show them off.
66. I'm lazy when it comes to my appearance. I have a haircut that allows me to comb and airdry. I hardly wear makeup, and when I do it's usually just eyeliner and shadow.
67. I love my funky jewelry. I guess in that sense I'm not as lazy, and perhaps it makes up (har har) for the lack of makeup.
68. I believe in natural beauty, which probably explains #65, #66, and #67. But not #48!
69. Mmmm...69.
70. As I get older, I'm much more likely to speak my mind. This does not always make friends. Tough cookies.
71. I am a music lover, but not a junky. I love almost all kinds. My love for pop drives the bf batty. Tough cookies.
72. I LOVE dancing! I need a dancing fix every once in awhile to keep me sane.
73. I took bellydancing for a spell. It was mucho fun-o. My bf especially enjoyed it. Pervy!
74. I am an excellent merengue dancer. For a gringa, that is.
75. I cut out a lot of recipes that I just never make. Good intentions and all that. When I have the proper time, I do enjoy cooking, otherwise it annoys the hell out of me.
76. I love swimming, and hiking, and walking, and ellipting. I enjoy biking (mostly mountain biking), rollerblading, skiing, cross-country skiing, tai chi, softball, catch (softball and football).
77. I love how I feel when I'm exercising regularly and eating clean.
78. I don't like emotional eating, anxious eating, boredom eating, and it frustrates me that I do them and can't seem to get a hold of them.
79. Blogging has been one of the best weight-loss tools in my arsenal. I love reading other blogs, and writing my own. I love the encouragement and the comraderie, and the feeling of "I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!" and the reassurance that our battles are often similar.
80. I believe we are all connected to one another on a level that cannot be seen or heard. This makes me happy.
81. Despite #80, sometimes I feel disconnected because I am different. I usually travel outside of the herd, so to speak. I guess one of my elementary school teachers told my parents that I march to the beat of a different drummer. Damn straight!
82. I think that I would be very unfulfilled if I didn't have the following things in my life: my children, my health, my sweetie, music, chocolate, movement.
83. I miss marching band, and would love to join a "senior" drum corps sometime.
84. I plan to drive cross-country someday. I can't wait to see Oregon.
85. I love to read, and do not have enough time to do so. I read voraciously as a child/teen - it was a big part of my formative years.
86. I love trashy romance novels. Sometimes I've stayed up almost all night reading them. I have my grandmother to thank for this, who gave me a big box her 50's harlequin romances (so chaste and pure) when I was about 15. They have to be good quality, though - the poorly written ones make me cringe.
87. I don't like ignorant people.
88. The real Xena would show up to work in combat boots, spiky jet black hair, all earring holes in use, and some goth outfit. Why didn't Hot Topix exist when *I* was a punk teen???
89. Piercings? Only in my ears - 4 in my right, 3 in my left. Corporate World does not approve of filling any more than one on each side. So sad.
90. Tattoos? Not yet, maybe not ever. I think I would have a hard time choosing a design. The yin/yang is so overdone, but it's such a great symbol. Tink in one of her typical ho poses?
91. Crushes from childhood on: Shaun Cassidy, Bo Duke, David Soul (Hutch), The Police, Andrew McCarthy (his chin is so WEAK!), The Damned (Dave Vanian....sigh...), Brendan Frasier (George of the Jungle phase)(I licked a movie poster of his abs and a young girl was like "look, Mommy, that lady is licking the poster!!!), Christopher Walken, John Cusack (until I learned that he was ashamed of Better Off Dead, which really brought him down in my book).
92. What a year - I eloped, graduated from college, and got my first "real" job in an environmental lab.
93. I feel fortunate that my family is around for my kids (and for me), even if they drive me nuts sometimes. I grew up with all of my grandparents, aunts/uncles/cousins in the midwest and only saw them every other year or so.
94. Someday I want to own a house in the woods with a stream in the backyard and an inground pool. I would also love to own a house on the ocean, but don't have that kind of do-re-mi.
95. I often worry that I am doing a good job as mommy. I always feel blessed when my kids show me that I'm doing a good job by their actions and statements. I have great kids.
96. I wish that I could fly.
97. I seem to be an Eagle Scout magnet. The grown-up Eagle Scouts, not the fresh ones.
98. I want to be cremated and scattered on the ocean or on a river when I die.
99. I love the moon and all its cycles - I'm a Cancer, so that's not a big surprise.
100. I can't believe how good this made me feel - I am very blessed!!! I need to focus on the positives and be loving to myself.

Thanks for the great idea, Michelle!

The BIG One-Oh-Oh!!!

My 100th posting, how thrilling! Who knew I had so much to blah blah blah about?

It's been 8 months, and a current total of 17 pounds lost (it was better about 3 months ago - like 23 pounds!) since I started working out again regularly in November '05. Not bad, not bad. I'm sad it isn't currently 23 total, but I know very well why that is.

It was scary to see the needle on the scale so close to 180 today. *sigh* I do feel very feminine and sexy today, and I know that confidence makes a big difference in my perception of how I "look". I know there were days at 173 that I didn't feel so confident and sexy, and days at 196 (well, probably not *that* many) where I felt terrific! It's a very interesting concept.

Didn't get up to exercise today, but had a late night session with the bf *wink* I'm sure some calories were burned! Also, the mini-freakout of finding the (probably same) goddamn mouse sitting inside our empty trash can - aiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

My eating was definitely better yesterday. Clean kitchen = clean eating, I guess. That fits in with my typical pattern.

After reading Beth's post about her 3-day walk (woohoo, girl!), my current lack of exercise seems doubly pitiful. I'm not going to beat myself up about it - I just need to *do* something about it!

Current plan: the Y tomorrow night and hopefully Friday night, although dropping daughter off at dad's so that involves at least 90 minutes round trip, usually more. Saturday and Sunday have plenty of open time to catch up on homework and get some serious sweat in.

Food? Shredded some-kind-of-grain & 7-grain stuff w/almond milk. Currently nursing a mostly-decaf coffee (boo hiss!). Have a mango, some salad stuff for lunch (will need to buy some protein at the cafe); a yogurt (soy, boo hiss!), granola bar, cheese wheel, and an organic burrito for snacks/school dinner. That's a good xena. Goooood xeeeena! Happy 100.

But I don't WANNA post!

Yes, I'm hiding out, can you tell?

In this case, no news is bad news. It could be a lot worse, yes. At least I got the fridge cleaned out (heinosity, for sure). It looks rather sad now, a lone bunch of broccoli and one on-the-verge-of-withering orange pepper. Some unopened hummous, and scattered cheese wheels. A newly-purchased container of almond milk, since my herbalism teacher has me freaked out about soy now (too much estrogen, combined with too much plastic-which-mimics-estrogen). I won't cut it out completely, but I will have to rethink my current love of all things soy.

Speaking of good food & prepping, I had to smile at Lainey's post about needing more hours in the day to get all the things done that make our lives work, and where in the hell do we fit in exercise and eating right?! Great question. I guess we do stay up until midnight and work our schedule around it, trying to fit it in where we can. I totally agree with the advice on making it a non-negotiable part of your daily schedule, an appointment that must not be cancelled (unless you're on your deathbed). I haven't been doing that, and therefore have not been exercising.

I have been pretty tired these past several nights, which is a welcome change from the nervous anxiety energy that I had for awhile. It doesn't help me get my homework done, though. In fact, this is the first week of school that I have not read ahead for anatomy/physiology. I find it much easier to understand the lecture if I've read the material ahead of time. I'm not sure the other students do that, but I don't really care what they are/are not doing. I know what works for me. Technically I am not behind, but I think it would be more beneficial for me to have read it. Ah well. I have two more weeks of lecture and then the final, so this weekend will be dedicated to catching up.

Had a brief chat with the bf about planning some healthy meals, and then actually cooking them. He agreed, but I know I'll have to push the issue to get it done. He's good about helping when I make specific requests, and I know this wasn't quite specific enough.

I have veggies and some frozen organic burritos for lunch/school snacks, plus the aforementioned hummous etc. I have an almost-empty refrigerator so that I can get some more veggies etc., but I do need to plan what I/bf will make for meals. I could get up tomorrow to work out, even if it's just walking at the track. Will be able to make it to the Y on Thursday and maybe Friday, and need to plan some exercise for the weekend, whether it's outside or at the Y.

I will deal with the need for emotional eating when it arises, which probably won't take long, given my recent habits. Still need to figure out what is going on there!

Zzzzzz

Went to drive-in last night w/bf & son, so much fun! Double header, so we didn't get home until 2 o'frickin'clock. I am quite tired, and feel bad for my son, who has camp all day. Thankfully it's much cooler today so at least the heat won't beat him down. He's generally quite good-natured, so I know he'll do fine, and we agreed that we wouldn't have the grumpies today if we stayed last night. I was impressed that he wanted to stay and also that he stayed awake for both movies!

Umm, do I have to talk about my food choices? *sigh* All righty then. Summary: not good. We went south of ze bord3r, and also had ice cream. And wobbly pops and coffin nails. Oh, and don't forget the movie chocolate. I walked to the concession stand twice - does that count for my exercise? No? Didn't think so.

SO, I don't know why I continue to act like I can just fix it all tomorrow, I'll start eating better tomorrow, exercising tomorrow, and tomorrow just keeps moving ahead by another day. I have to say that if I didn't have this blog, I believe I would be in a much worse place right now, so I am very thankful to post here for my own accountability, even if it ain't purty.

I don't even want to get on the scale right now - I must be getting close to 180. It's so disappointing, but I am very clear how it happened. It doesn't have to continue this way. It's one thing to plan until I'm blue in the face, which I am VERY talented at, so if you ever need someone to plan & organize for you, I'm your gal. Execution is another thing entirely. I have peaches going soft and vegetables decomposing in my fridge. Yeah, I bought 'em to eat. Good intentions and all that.

What am I so afraid of, so anxious about? Am I overwhelmed with my current schedule? I know it's short-term, relatively speaking, and a year from now I will have my massage certification and license and be successfully practicing full-time, with an evergrowing client list, and not starving to death or being on the verge of eviction or a big fat failure. Well, I suppose I could be fat, but I won't be a failure. I must be hitting a nerve here because there's a big lump in my throat. Why why why do I return to these unhealthy behaviors? I'm not escaping anything by eating myself into submission/numbness.

Sure, I can still be a fine massage therapist/bodyworker with my current behaviors. I certainly won't be the *best* therapist that I *could* be, though. The healthy food and regular exercise, including yoga, provides the solid energy foundation that I need to do the work well. The caffeine, sugar, nicotine, fat are definite energy blocks/drains. I love the way that my body feels when I am lifting/exercising regularly and eating right. I have amazing, clean-feeling (vs. jittery/anxious) energy and vitality. I *glow*, baby, and I flow. I know the physical demands of doing massage are easier when I am strong and energetic, and I am less likely to injure myself, given the repetitive demands of the work. I feel like a better role model for my clients - how can I encourage *them* to take good care of themselves if I'm not doing the same???

Wow, I don't know where that all came from! I certainly have not been giving myself much space to work these thoughts out lately, so I imagine that contributes to my overall feelings of anxiety and panic - eat something quick! And keep going! I haven't had much quiet xena time lately - I don't quite have that luxury for the time being. Exercise (even though I usually listen to music when I ellipt) is a great time for xena time. Walking at the track is great quiet, thoughtful xena time. It doesn't have to be 45 minutes if that doesn't work right now - 20 is ok. That's so hard to write. 20. Is. OK. Take what you can get, girl. It will serve you ten times better than taking nothing at all. Stuffing it down isn't going to get rid of it - remember how, on the other side of the emotional wave, it is never as bad as you thought it was going to be? Sure, it's not fun to be on the top of the wave, but it never lasts long, and when it's over, you always always always feel better. Stronger. Human.

Nice to talk to you like this - don't be a stranger. Love, Little Xena

Hot diggety dog

This weather blows chunks. I know we haven't had it anywhere near as bad as the rest of the country, but if we have to put up with crazy winters etc. then summer should be the payoff, yes?

Had the day off yesterday with the daughter, who ended up having a fever and headache (do they PLAN these sort of things), so we went to my mom's, who has year-round air conditioning. It was blissful. I took the opportunity to work out on her elliptical, and lift some wimpy weights (the highest dumbbells she has are 5-pounders, and I wasn't in any mood to figure out her 2300-exercises-in-one universal to do modified shoulder/back stuff.

Food-wise? Don't ask. Not very proud of my eating, yet somehow that hasn't been enough to stop me from doing it. Slowly creeping back towards coffee, haven't had many veggies lately, eating too much chocolate etc.

Could potentially go to the Y tonight, since it's air-conditioned and I don't have other plans other than homework, maybe the son could swim (daughter is at grandma's tonight). Tomorrow night is scout camp family bbq and bonfire, which precludes working out then; Saturday is beach-time for our work party, so will get some walking to/from beach & picnic site and swimming. Sunday is class allllll day, so nothing there.

See, I know that I could get up early and make it work if I truly wanted to, so apparently I do not. I'm a big believer in not making excuses to myself around things that I know I could get done, if the will was there.

I'm also trying to be gentle and compassionate with myself, another struggle for me. I think I should be able to work full-time and go to school almost full-time (2.5 classes) and get all my homework and practice hours in and be a good girlfriend/mommy/friend to my women friends, and somehow work in time for MYSELF. Oh yeah - and exercise and eat right. *sigh* No wonder I'm feeling a little anxious...

Status quo

First I wanted to thank Renee for adding me to her fitroll, yippee!

The kids are home, so have been doing that juggling act again. We had haircuts last night, so dinner was at the local house o'pizza. I may not be eating well, but I've recaptured the notion of stopping when I feel (80%) full. Even if it's full of garbage, heh heh.

The weekend was not stellar for exercise - I helped my gf move on Saturday so did some scattered stairs, carrying stuff, etc., but nothing consistent to get my heart rate up. We started drinking fairly early too ;-)

Sunday I did walk the track for 30 minutes, and went grocery shopping for the first time in weeks, so there are fruit (been lovin' the apricots!) and veggies. Haven't been bringing my lunch, though, so it's cafeteria-city, and have been trying to get veggies included there.

No food for school tonight either....I do have granola bars and cheese and a yogurt, so I suppose that will do.

Only 3 weeks of school left, so I plan to get my arse in gear this weekend in terms of moving it again and eating well. I'm not feeling as anxious as I was, but still having pretty vivid dreams. I need to start writing them down to see if there are any patterns there...