Another week bites the dust

It's certainly been interesting, to say the least. I look forward to a better week next week. I did walk last night at the (REALLY FRICKIN' HOT ASPHALT) track last night for 45 minutes. It was quite hot and humid, and I was sweaty and thirsty when I finished. Then I went home and journalled. I didn't have any ephiphanies or anything, but it was good to acknowledge on paper what was going on with me.

I did have not one, but TWO chocolate bars before I left work, plus a mocha coffee. No dinner since I wasn't hungry after my walk, although I did have a lovely peach. After my session I had a wild grape-flavored wobbly pop and a clove. I can't keep doing this.

Homework tonight and then I get the kids; tomorrow I have a session, then more homework, then helping my girlfriend move, so there's some exercise at least. I hope for a Y visit on Sunday, especially since it is supposed to be very hot this w/e (don't want to exercise outdoors). The food issue is the bigger problem here, so I need to plan and execute.

Stuart Little

We had a little visitor last night while I was at school. The bf found a (probably adorable little) mouse on top of one of the water jugs in our pantry. It's a good thing I wasn't home, otherwise I would have done, for the second time in my life, my interpretation of the lady from the Tom & Jerry cartoons, up on a chair clutching a broom screaming my fool head off. The first time I had a broom because we were trying to sweep the little offender into a paper bag to bring it outside (so it could turn around and come back in the next night, I'm sure), and it jumped about 3 feet onto the floor and skittered across, which led to me leaping onto the nearest elevated surface, shrieking away. I'm such a girl sometimes.

I'm not sure why he decided to visit, since it's incredibly hot right now - usually he visits in the fall or spring, when the temp outside gets cold or he wakes up from hibernation or whatever (hey, I'm taking *human* anatomy & physiology!). Our downstairs neighbors have 2 cats, so clearly I need to write a little note chastising them for not doing their job!

I ended up sleeping on the couch since Stuart had decided to scramble into my bedroom to escape my scary bf. Not very comfortable. Didn't get up for walkies today either.

Didn't have a healthy dinner (ice cream w/smooshies - got the smallest size, but it was still a large portion of ice cream. Damn you, american serving sizes!). Nor a healthy breakfast (french toast "branches" with hash "tans" from the royalty of hamburg). *sigh* I don't even know why I'm writing. I guess to stay honest and stay with the process until I can figure it out a little better than I could before, same cycle, over and over, hopefully moving in the forward direction.

I think some journalling would be healthy, and definitely a walk. That's my plan for tonight before I have my practice session.

Ayuh.

Still here, still alive, haven't fallen face-first into a bowl of chocolate mousse. Yet.

*sigh* I'm pretty frickin' tired of the struggle this week, this day. Feelings of sadness again (I haven't picked up on the fact that I haven't seen my kids in almost three weeks as perhaps being a small part of this sadness - I get them back friday night, woohoo!). Had a blowout with my sister during our camping trip over the same old shit, triggering all kinds of family drama from thirty years past. *blah* The good news is that we resolved it in a record-breaking couple of hours, vs. days or weeks or months. Amen, people! I was able to surf the dadgummed waves of emotion and let it go. Have been rather exhausted since then.

Still having crazy vivid dreams and waking up tired, with my shoulders scrunched towards my ears. WTF?!?!

Lessee - exercise? Hmm. None on Friday as planned - passed out on the bed until bf came home after 10 p.m. with a very late dinner. Saturday was busy giving sessions and shopping for new massage linens and food for camping. Sunday was camping, which equaled much drinking and waaay too many clove ciggies, and included a sweet midnight stroll to the river. It was partly cloudy so not much star-gazing, but when it finally cleared it was *fucking* amazing!!!! Monday was the blowout, so my emotions got quite the workout, and my body felt the resulting letdown; we did some hiking but it was pretty casual. Yesterday/today I had/have school. I need to start up some exercise more regularly, but have the kids back for all next week so will probably have to start up the week of 8/7. Not to say I can't do *something* between now & then!

I've been getting inspired by Lose The Buddha, which led me to Athena and an amazing workout tracksheet. Wow. I love this kind of shit. Maybe it will actually get me off my ass!!!

Yeah, right.

Foodwise I've been ok, I guess. Haven't stocked up on the fruits/veggies so am suffering a bit, although I do have cherries left over from camping. Had leftover corn chowda for breakfast - lots of fat, I'm sure, but it was at least satisfying. I'm on this "hot food = happy tummy" kick lately, despite the heat outside. It's weird. It's also pretty cold in my office, so my body probably doesn't know what the hell is going on. I didn't compulsively buy any fastfood or ice cream after class last night, although I did have a smoke. *sigh* I definitely drank more than I ate during camping, which may/may not be a bad thing.

Hovering around 177 these days. Could be worse. Could be better. Like my zen attitude?

Workout forecast: today - not likely. Maybe a walkie in the morning; giving a session tomorrow night. Friday - also not likely, unless I get up in the morning early; have to get the kids (yeah!) after work. Saturday - also not likely as I am giving at least one session and doing homework, although I should get outside with the kids. Helping a girlfriend move on Saturday night/Sunday.

I'm not sounding too motivated here - if I really wanted to get 'er done, I would.

It continues

Still having anxious eating going on here. I did have veggies/fruit yesterday, so maybe that almost cancels that crap out? Yeah, nice try.

May/may not work out tonight - I have a ton of homework and am leaving sunday morning to go camping with my sister, so won't have time to do it otherwise. I could use the workout, though.

Looking forward to being outside for a couple of days, although there will most likely be drinking/smoking going on too. Not sure on the food front, since it's challenging to preserve some veggies in a cooler. Maybe I can make up some shishkebob with a bunch of veggies, and get some salmon to make in a foil packet. Hmmm...

I'm not very enthusiastic about figuring out the anxiety right now. I'm not sure why not. I guess it is what it is.

Have a great weekend,
Xena

See-Saw

I'm up, I'm down. I'm good, I'm not-so-good. Can you say "mood swings"? I knew that you could. Can you say "all in the space of one day, or one hour, sometimes"? Yes, it's loopy. I'm struggling with not having junk on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. Last night I had not one, but TWO chocolatey protein "energy" bars in the space of 4 hours, and then a drive-through (not too bad, I guess - small cheeseburger and small fries, but still). I did have my fruit and veggies and beans etc. yesterday as well, but then had 3 (more like 6, since they are rather long) rye crackers w/natural PB before leaving for class, then the bars, then the drive-through at 10:30. Ugh - it was like I hadn't had enough solid, warm food to satisfy me. The beans were warm and solid, and I had veggies & hummous.

I don't know - maybe I'm feeling anxious? I don't know why. I've been having wackadoodle dreams again, which seem to come in waves (I'll go weeks without them; I don't think it's TOM-related, but maybe it is). The eating is definitely more binge-feeling (like I *HAVE* to have it and have it FAST), so there must be other stuff going on that I'm not dealing with. I just don't know what it is.

Thai food for lunch today, and I have salad/hummous/beans for dinner before class. I've run out of fruit so need to stop at the grocery after lunch.

I did walk this morning at the track - very nice morning after all the lousy heat - I think it's supposed to be cooler today (yes, it's that time of year when the 80's feels cool)(the temperature, not the decade). I had a yucky headache all day yesterday; not sure if it was caffeine/sugar withdrawal since I had a half-decaf on Saturday and then a decaf sunday and then a little $tarbuck's cold coffee that they sell in convenience stores.

I also worked out Monday - elliptical (I finally hit 100 miles for 2006!!! Woohoo!!!! I'm probably about 10 miles over that since I don't track my outdoor walking at all) and chest/arms. I couldn't find the 12-lb dumbbells so ended up doing some of it with 15, and boy did I feel it yesterday, and still today! Maybe it's time to crank the weights up a bit, eh?

The horrid scale said that I'm at 178 - ugh!!! I'm hoping it's water retention from the salty food last night, but am more afraid that my vacation eating has finally caught up with me?!

I feel like a morning starrrrrrr

I did feel pretty good this morning (and little more tired now, but still doing all right). Got the house cleaned up for an in-house massage session tonight (always a good excuse to clean up, and I need that motivation given how frickin' hot it is!), got the bills caught up, laundry caught up, paperwork filed, good food in the fridge, might even be able to get in a Y workout after the session tonight!

The weekend was lovely - the bf/I went to the beach (got eaten alive by greenheads, little em-effers) for a good 10 hours on saturday, had some seafood for din-din. Had class yesterday, which was fun, as we made some medicinal herbal tinctures/glycerides. I learned what it feels like to be stung by a stinging nettle. I can tell you it makes you feel ALIVE! Then we celebrated National Ice Cream Day by having....ice cream! Mine had smooshies, which makes me happy. We did have sushi for dinner, so I got some good protein in as well.

Eating has been so-so, I guess. Today I've had soy cereal/soy milk/banana, the vitamins, chickpea stew, carrots/hummous, soy yogurt w/granola. I worry that I consume too much soy, which can be a challenge with too much estrogen (which I guess plastic also mimics, and I am a big fan of the portable plastic food containers).

I'm very glad that I made up all those beans and froze them up - I have beans for the week, and still more to go! It's a yummy source of protein, and fiber, and probably other good stuff as well. Score one for the xena!

We took a long walk on the beach saturday, probably a round trip of 2 miles on the hard, slanted sand, plus I swam a bit. I ellipted Friday night and lifted shoulders/back. No luck yesterday due to class, but gave the bf a session last night (I don't mean *that* kind of session, poor guy) so there was some activity there. At least I'm maintaining the 175 and not gaining, but I'd love to be back to the low 170's and hit 160's before the summer is through. We shall see what I can plan out for this week. Hopefully the Y tonight, maybe a walkie tomorrow and/or Wednesday mornings. Thursday is out as I'm travelling 45 minutes to do a couple of sessions for friends. Potentially on Friday also. I need to get up in the morning then instead, I guess!

No judgment

It's really hard to do. I have been having a really shitty "off" week in terms of things just not going right, and have been using food to medicate those feelings of frustration and annoyance. I had to drive to school TWICE to find out there was no class, and one of the nights had me in absolute tears because I drove through detours that brought me into parts of town that I had no idea where I was, and another detour that took 30 MINUTES to go less than a mile. So I drove through these nightmares to find out that class had been CANCELLED. The parking lot was flooded and obviously empty of cars. There were power lines down (I think tornados touched down in the next town over). I was so tempted on the drive home to stop at fast food or ice cream or get chocolate, but I went home instead and had crab rangoon and general tsao's chicken, which is just as bad. Hey, at least there was broccoli. Oh, and like 3 rum/c0kes. And a cigarette. *sigh*

Yesterday/day before I was feeling very sad, and I'm not even sure why??? But I was trying to feel the feelings. Still had chocolate to compensate, and I was craving a w3ndy's chix sandwich (yes, the fried stuff) after class so hunted down one and enjoyed every single goddamned bite. At least I have been eating salad stuff and beans at lunch, and some fruit, so I am getting marginal nutrition. And my past binges have been SO much worse, so I'm getting better.

I did walk the track on Monday, and I walked last night. I also did sessions both of those days, so at least I'm not stagnating and hiding out completely. I plan to go to the Y tonight, and am feeling better, but right now I am planning a treat of some sort, because you know I *have* to have it. bullshit. But I'm fully intending on doing it anyway, so there. I have counselling today, so that should be interesting...

I'm very very very glad that it's Friday, and I'm looking forward to some beach time tomorrow (it's going to be quite hot here for the next few days). Homework tonight/bit tomorrow, class on Sunday. Have a great weekend, and here's hoping next week is better than this one!

Summer

Had a lovely walk around the track this morning - it was even a little cool when I started, but had heated up quite a bit by the time I was through. The grass and trees are gorgeous and green from all of the rain. I like going to the Y, but I also like exercising outside and reconnecting with nature. It may sound granola-ish but I feel so much more connected and human when I'm surrounded by trees, water, plants.

I woke up with a sinus-y headache and decided to do the walk instead of my previously-planned trip to the Y. It's still lingering, and I took some meds for it, yuck. I wonder if it's the result of my body de-toxing from last week's sugary/fatty goodness. I wouldn't be surprised, since I didn't eat any (except those 2 ginger snaps) refined sugar yesterday, or coffee, or anything.

I did have my practice session last night, so didn't get home until almost 9:00. I was a little hungry but didn't want anything heavy, so had a protein shake w/banana/strawberries/blueberries, and that was just right (except the protein mix has stevia, which I didn't realize when I bought it - blech!). Didn't need to go shopping as the bf had indeed bought salad stuff etc, so that's what I have today, in addition to my defrosting beans and chickpea stew. Have bananas (teeny - they're like 4 inches long!) and cherries and yogurt.

Boy, does it feel good to be back!

I'm back now

Didn't make it for shopping for better food for this week yet, but had banana/cheese wheel for breakfast and 2 ginger snap cookies so far. No coffee, no chocolate, no fried anythings. Had to take some aspirin but that was probably more due to the imbibing last night. Nothing like fitting in the last little bit of vacation overindulgence!

I did go for a bike ride last night with the bf (his idea, thankfully - I was too wrapped up in homework etc. to think of it), about half-hour with some challenging hills. It felt good to be moving again, even if the hills made me feeling like I was gonna puke. I should ride in to work some morning. It's only about 5 miles, but there are definitely some loooong hills, which are worse than short steep ones.

I had planned to get up for the gym this a.m. but the aforementioned imbimbing put me into bed much too late for that. Whoops. Am trying to figure out if I have a practice session tonight, so if it doesn't pan out, I'll go to the gym instead. And do some shopping, although I think the bf bought veggies the other day so we may be good for a few days, plus I still have soup and beans frozen up in tidy little individual serving plasticware.

I was actually getting tired of the junk food by the end, which is funny to say. I did eat way too much animal protein and often felt full for a couple of hours. YUCK! I don't like that feeling.

I have some pix taped up around my house and at work from the t1tle n1ne catalog of real athletic women doing athletic stuff, which is very inspiring. I wannabe one of them!

Gluttonfest 2006

Boy oh boy, has vacation eating taken over! Not much exercise either. I've had more booze, clove ciggies, and ice cream (and meat!) in the past 5-6 days than I have in the past 5-6 months, I think! Could be why I've woken up twice this week way early and am in bed early from overdoing it. Right now it's 4:00 in the morning and I've been up for half an hour already. Don't feel like studying or reading or anything school-related. Have only done one hour of practice towards my 2-3 required/week. At least my homework is caught up for now.

I will most likely regret all this when I go back to work next week, but for now I'm enjoying myself and the kids, and being away from a pretty shitty work situation. I suppose the junk food helps keep those thoughts at bay, but it won't serve me well to keep on this path beyond next monday.

The scale was up a bit to 174 but I imagine the lack of fruit/veggies and the overdose of animal protein did that trick.

The bbq with my relative went pretty well, and they wrote in my birthday card that they would like to get our issues resolved, so I guess that's a good sign, and it's so much more than I expected. I think I'm a bit afraid of what the future will bring, and having to talk the issues out. I'm considering asking this person to come to my therapist with me for one of our sessions, since I think it would be more effective than trying to duke it out ourselves, since we've never had the healthiest communication.

And I wonder why I have issues at times???

Gulp

Going to my pseudo-birthday bbq at my mom's today (happy bday, xena! Well, one more day), and the relative whom I wrote the letter to/emailed me back (and I emailed them on Friday in response, after running a draft by my bf, who is very sensible and supportive and won't let me say things in a nasty way) is going to be there as well - it's a surprise for their Old Number birthday. I'm sure it will be fine, their new significant other will be there so they will most likely be on best behavior. I'm just not exactly looking forward to it. Soldier on, my girl.

Not sure if the junky eating is due partially to that, and partially to "oh goody, I'm on vacation, time to treat myself every meal!!!!". I'm hesitant to list what I've ingested just since 3:30 on Friday, when we started with drinkypoos after work. Hmm, 1/2 cheeseburger w/green leaf lettuce (*whew!*) and tomato, and french fries with mayo, and 2 drinks, then kitt catt bites at the movies, and another drinkypoo and smoke after that; yesterday was cookout time, so another 2/3 burger, lots of bad carb munchies, more imbibing (chocolate b-a-n-a-n-a-martinis!). Hot dog and slushie at pro softball game, and a d0ve icecream bar afterwards. This morning I had choc chip pancakes whilst out to breakfast with my girls, and a small decaf (sigh). The bbq this afternoon. Another on tuesday. Probably a beach trip or two this week.

I need to get some exercise in!!!!

Enjoy the holiday for my stateside friends.