I heart the pool

I've been in almost every day, so I have pretty silver and green stars all over my calendar, yeah xena!

It really helps in the mornings, as I often wake up pretty stiff from wearing the straightening brace all night. My PT has noticed improvements in my range-of-motion, and although I've had a few days where I'm not quite as flexible, it is definitely getting better!

I have graduated to one crutch, and even use it on the pool deck, albeit very slowly so I don't slip. I also hobble around a bit at home w/o any crutches, so exciting!!!!!!

It was 5 months on Wednesday since the accident. My life has changed in many ways since then, work included. I'm trying to go with the flow as much as possible, but I'm not a fan of change, so it's been tough emotionally too.

We are one less in my dept now, and I've taken on a good portion of that workload in addition to my own, so I barely have time to eat, which is at least good for the waistline, and some of my summer pants have been almost falling off!!! I haven't gotten on the scale in quite awhile, so I have no idea where I'm at, but as long as the clothes continue to fit (and even slip down), I'll be happy.

Still vegetarian, although I miss fish more and more. I never had a chance to give vegan-ism a long enough trial, but I'm still not able to stand for very long, so cooking is still a ways off.

I've been doing the exercise bike at PT for 5 minutes to warm up, so I asked about adding it to my workout routine, and my PT said it would be fine. I still need to build my quad muscles (and calf muscles) up, although walking/putting more weight on my leg is definitely helping.

I found out my massage class, the last class I have to take before I can graduate and then get licensed, doesn't start until November, but that is probably for the best since I need to work up to standing for an hour at a time (even longer for classes). I'm much more calm about the delay in my career plans...

In the pool

2.5 weeks after manipulation, and I'm doing pretty well. I started going to the Y pool (they have 2, and the smaller one is perfect for rehab, as the water only goes chest-deep at the deepest part) last week, and then caught the family cold. But I plan to go back by this weekend, assuming I feel better.

It makes me feel good to be moving again, at least, even in this limited fashion. I also finally got on a bike at PT, and can do a full rotation w/o knee pain, so I am very excited about that. I can also get in and out of a chair w/o holding onto anything. Otherwise, though, I'm still on crutches. It's getting a little old.

I bought one of those cool Laptop Lunchboxes, and will use it to motivate/inspire me to get my daily portion of veggies & fruits & nuts/seeds. I didn't sign up for the CSA this year, but plan to for next summer, when I will be able to drive every week. We do have a local farmstand, so I would like to get there weekly and stock up on veggies. It's still challenging to cook while I am on crutches, so have been mostly doing frozen vegetarian meals (burritos, indian, etc.). It's been 5 months of vegetarian-ism, woohoo! I only miss meat once in awhile - if anything, I miss fish the most of all, and may consider becoming a pescatarian instead. I do want to give vegan-ism a chance, and can't do that w/o doing my own cooking.

Surgery it is

After waiting over an hour for my dr. this morning (apparently he had an emergency at the hospital) and being in absolute tears from the frustration of this all (gee, do I stuff my emotions???), the decision is to put me under, forcibly manipulate my leg into straight-dom, and if that doesn't tear up the evil scar tissue, then they'll do a clean-out via arthroscopy right after. I am relieved and also nervous about more surgery, but I can't stand (har har) being stuck.

Right after, they would put me on a CPM (continuous passive motion?) machine, which, from my understanding, passively rotates my leg continuously (ah, I get it!) to keep new scar tissue from forming.

And hopefully soon after that I can get back to PT and get this mofo working again.

Still here

I'm at a stuck place in my recovery. I go in to PT, I'm at 35 degrees (angle of my leg - I can't get it straighter), and I'm around 25 when I leave. It's been this way for weeks. I'm wearing a freakin' torture device (basically a brace/splint that forces my leg straight while I sleep) for 8 hours a night, and not seeing any progress.

Can you say "frustrated"? I knew you could.

Tomorrow is my dr's appt, and I've vowed that I will not leave his office until I have an answer to the pinching that I feel when I try to straighten my leg, and these 2 spots are actually sore to the slight-pressure touch. That can't be normal, can it, after 3.5 months??? It sounds like scar tissue, and my joint is responding like it is, too. Solution? Probably arthroscopic surgery to clean out the joint. After my 8-inch scar, a few little holes ain't gonna faze me much, and if it leads to being able to straighten my leg w/o pain, let's do it NOW!

I'm trying to be patient. I haven't done any meditation as I had hoped to be doing (planned during my recovery time, when time was all I had), and my only exercise is crutching around, driving, and hauling myself up & down the stairs on my arse.

So, if you can walk, jog, run - please do it for me, ok?

I can drive!

Another milestone today - my bf took me down to the big office complex empty parking lot, and I drove the car. It was weird to be in the driver's seat again, and definitely freeing. I had no problems in the parking lot, so we took a drive to the local farmstand and got some fresh spinach (sauteed some last week with slivered almonds and olive oil, and a splash of lemon juice, yum!). My knee felt like there were muscles trying to move around it, but it didn't hurt. I had to lift my leg/foot to get to the brake....we tried a couple of "slam on the brake" stops in the parking lot and it didn't hurt my knee, so that was a good sign.

It's looking more & more as though I might have scar tissue in the joint, as it still pinches/burns when I try to straighten my leg, and it bounces right back up when the PT tries to force it down/straight. Unfortunately my doc is on vacation for a week, so I can't talk to him about arthroscopic surgery to clean the scar tissue out.

I still can't walk yet, using the crutches everywhere. Well, except for last week at work when I was hopping around my desk to get to my files and tripped on my sandal. I came down full force on my bad leg, heard a POP! and then landed on the floor. I felt really stupid, and thankfully didn't seem to do any serious damage. We're still not sure what the popping was, perhaps scar tissue tearing. I don't seem to have any long-term problems from it, other than my hurt pride. Boy, did I feel stupid! My boss and two coworkers came running in as I rolled on the floor, clutching my knee. Duh.

Summer is coming on strong now, and I can't make plans to go camping or other active stuff until I know when I'll be walking again. I know it could be a lot worse - I have a small taste of what it is like to be disabled, and can't imagine being so permanently. I keep telling myself that I am moving forward, even if it seems unbearably slow, and I have many blessings in my life. This too shall pass.

Back to the Salt Mines

Yes, back to work today. 4 hours/day for this week, and I got a call from the insurance co. telling me my STD coverage is up this saturday, so no choice on going back full-time starting next week.

It feels like forever since I've been there. In some ways, it has been - it's been 3 months this week!!! There have been many changes, and I am not one for change. I am pretending that I am starting a new job - indeed, I have a new supervisor now - and will try to be open and accepting as much as possible.

I've learned many things these past 3 months, so I am interested to see if they "stick" once I get involved in the muck & mire of politics and work...

I need to figure out my eating situation at work since I will be there through my normal lunchtime but can't take more than a 15-minute break. Today I have natural pb/natch jelly on wheat, 2 apples, and some cashews. I am frightened to find what I have left in my snack drawer at work!!!

I've really been struggling with how slow this recovery is going. Still can't straighten the leg, still can't put more than 50 lbs. on my right foot, still can't drive. Why did I ever pray for patience?!

*sigh* wish me luck, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my work clothes still fit :-) Last time I got on the scale (last week maybe?), I was holding strong at 190. Not bad for sedentary lifestyle...

Feeeeeelings

Great post over at Body of Work. I have tears rolling down my face right now, knowing the many times I haven't been willing to feel my feelings, let them roll and rise and crest and subside. I don't wanna ride the wave, I'd rather numb it with food. It's so much easier that way. If I start crying, maybe it will never stop.

Which is ridiculous, because it always stops, and I almost always feel better afterwards, even though my eyes are swollen and red, and I'm all congested and feeling raw and vulnerable. More scary feelings associated with being vulnerable. It feels like I could spiral down into oblivion if I chase those feelings, but again, it never lasts all that long, and it's so cleansing.

So I'm crying now, and I'm not even sure *why* I am crying, and I am analytical so I need to know *why* the hell am I crying? It doesn't matter, honestly, does it? Just let it out, clear the space, make room for something better. I could guess at the reason(s) for my pain; this 3-month-plus recovery process, feeling as though I'm missing out on spring because I can't go out and walk in it, the pain of seeing my mother getting heavier and struggling with meds and not doing anything about it, the bf back to his heaviest (?) weight, like when we first met - knowing I can't change him or her, I can only work with/on myself. The angst of my daughter, almost 13, turning into a sullen, moody, one-word-answer teen - what the hell do I do now? I don't want to lose her, and it is so hard to be patient and contain my frustration, to find the loving way to be with her when it's not openly reciprocated. Having to go back to work next week after losing my supervisor of 8+ years and working with the new one, who doesn't understand why we have the processes in place that we do, feeling as though I'm returning to a big mess, so many changes, and I hate change. Not being able to work out, to do yoga, to have an outlet for this excess anxious energy. Wanting to return to massage, to finish my courses by August, get certified, and move on with my new career, half-afraid that I've forgotten so much in this 3-month absence.

Ah well, it could be any, all, some, or none of those things. Whatever the case, the feelings are still there and need to be felt so they and I can move on. *ahhhhhhh*, that's better. Thanks for listening.